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I found out yesterday that my nasty malicious manipulating mentally unstable and many other negative behaviours (that I sure many on here have experienced and have the mental and physical scars) ex died in December last year. It’s (detail removed by moderator) since I left him on that crazy valentines night when I ran out in to the cold dark countryside and hid all night in a neighbor’s delapidate car footwell in my underwear until I found the courage to ask for help. He almost killed me when I ended our (detail removed by moderator) engagement (incidentally he proposed in an isolated wood in the winter while operating a chainsaw, how could a girl refuse such an offer?). When selling my house that he had paid nothing towards, he walked away with half. He also managed to steal the kitchen units and the front door the day before completion. That was the most house work he had ever done on the property. He hounded me for (detail removed by moderator) months. I ve moved several times so that I could successfully rebuild my life. To reduce the threat to parents and brother and pets who he was also harassing and threatening to hurt I moved to an area where I had no support network and had to start from scratch twice. Even once I had left the area he would still drive half way across the country to turn up and threaten my parents who would often find him in their outbuildings or house having broken in. All of this was reported to the police and yes they were useless. Many reasons why but it’s pointless to discuss.
In the (detail removed by moderator) since I left escaped, I have rebuilt myself. Started a life with my high school sweet heart who I ve always loved. We have a happy healthy child together. I have continued to develop my professional career and managed to work throughout all that he threw at me. (detail removed by moderator) of looking over my shoulder, wondering when he will find me? Has he found me and is he waiting to hurt me or my partner or tiny vulnerable innocent my child.
And yesterday I found out the coward had died. I m not sure how but there’s no mention of a tragic accident or a battle with a terminal condition so I assume that his death was in his own hands.
His friends and family say in a news article that he is very much missed. That he was a wonderful kind and loving person who was always the life and soul of everyone’s party. That he was a wonderful athlete. In fact they miss him so much that his friends are organising and holding some events in his name. How little they know of the daily mental and physical attacks he launched on me while I was with him.
How do I feel? It’s mixed. Guilty, relieved, angry, happy, sad, free. So many emotions. I know many of you would wish and hope for this moment of freedom. I have but I didn’t expect it to happen in my mid (detail removed by moderator). I have booked some counselling for next week. I have told a couple of trusted friends. Saying it out loud, it sounds terrible but real. Is this so? Can I really cross the road with my child without checking the face of drivers just in case it’s him? Can I really visit my friends without fear that he will find out? Yes. Yes I can. The burden has been lifted and NOW I have the opportunity to really live my life, show the world what I m made and its a huge responsibility. It’s scary (although admittedly not as scary as some situations I ve faced). I have the chance all survivors dream of. I’m alive, on the other side of that experience and have life without fear from a person. I still have the scars and they will always remain. But the guilt that for me to have this chance only came because he died. Someone died. A human died. Not a pheasant or rabbit in the road. A person. Now I have this new burden that he’s put on me, that I have to carry and manage. Not him. He opted out. Coward.
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i beg you not to feel guilty. you don’t have to feel anything but awesome relief that he’s gone. You have been through so much at his hands, and clearly you wouldn’t wish him dead and he once was a huge part of your life, bbut you have, as you say, remade your life now. If he had moved to another country you might feel huge relief, but nothing like knowing you would never ever run into him again. The freedom that brings is amazing. Please try to enjoy your freedom without fear, without guilt. He hasn’t put this on you, you can choose to carry this unnecessarily or not, this ones up to you.
its also to be expected that you feel anger and guilt from his departure, and it will take time, this is all part of moving on from him.
warmest wishes
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It could have been you in the paper, killed by your abuser. Don’t waste another minute feeling guilty. All along he chose to behave this way. He never was your responsibility. Don’t let him scar you again. And yes, I’d embrace news like that. Mine still comes to the bottom of my street and acts like he never raped me hundreds of times or drove me to contemplate suicide. Enjoy this closure.
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Kip. Thank you for your support. I really do understand where you are coming from. I hope that you stay strong and battle on.
I have been thinking about what you and karmasister have said. You are both right. So today every time I feel guilty I think of what you both said and remember his behaviour and breath deep because I can.
I hope that one day you are both able to do the same.
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thats great to hear Spring… mine didn’t die and still haunts my world! I completely agree with KIP about celebrating your freedom without guilt, he’s gone from your life fora while and now forever. I know I would feel sad at ex’s death, and perhaps more besides i don’t know, but at least i would feel free. You are alive and like KIP said, it could’ve been you in that paper. grasp that freedom with everything you have and enjoy xx KS
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