He doesn’t want to accept it’s over

[Fallenofftheradar]

My ex keeps messaging me about reconciling. At first he was mixing it up with messages in which he was being horrible. But now he’s just playing the good guy and all about reconciliation. I’ve been ignoring him aside from messaging him about arranging to get his things back to him (there’s quite a lot including furniture)

But he ignores that and just tries to talk about how much he misses me, how good we had it, that we can’t throw away our relationship and when I’m ready to talk to him again we can work on it.

Now the latest is that he’s let me know that he has bought me a book (detail removed by Moderator) that will be delivered to me. I mean, I feel like I’m an expert already on the subject, because I’ve listened to every podcast available on the subject when trying to deal with him and the insane fights he would start. Of course nothing I did worked anyway as he just needed x hours to blow off steam and nothing I ever said or did changed that.

I feel this book is simultaneously a dig at me, as if I’m the one who is dealing with (detail removed by Moderator), and a sign that he’s not accepted the fact we are done (which has been communicated clearly by the way, but he seems to have convinced himself I didn’t mean it).

I need to clearly break up with him again since he seems to have forgotten I did already, but I’m just so anxious and I can’t deal with his constant reaching out with all this.

(BTW he previously accused me of being abusive to him for ignoring him, but in this situation I surely have every right not to respond? – I just don’t feel I am strong enough to at the moment)

[EvenSerpentsShine]

If you want to step away a bit from continually being blamed for everything you do, consider  just taking someone else’s advice about how to respond to a controlling, manipulative, abusive person after you’ve ended the relationship.

If you just look it up on the internet, YouTube, etc you will find advice about the best way to do it.

in this way you can simply follow the advice of people who’ve been there before you or are experts in the field. When he inevitably blames you ( which, let’s be honest, he will do no matter what you do), you can honestly distance yourself from that.
The advice out there tends to suggest that we should go complete no contact.

I would suggest you do that, as evidence from victims suggests that this is the quickest way to recover and move forward.

If you have to keep contact in order to get his belongings back to him (is that REALLY your responsibility? Surely he can just come and get them with a van at any time, p.s. don’t be there alone when he comes) then keep answers short, factual, and polite and don’t enter into any other kind of conversation.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ps. Sometimes it is worth keeping their text/email etc messages just so that you can see clearly the cycles of abuse playing out. Seems like you can see it already, starting with lovebombing and charm and trying to get you back, and now quite quickly morphing into blaming you (the book). The nastiness should follow fairly soon shouldn’t it!

Sympathise with this completely, but do find it can be quite useful to have it in black and white, as long as you can stand it emotionally! Leave it longer and longer between reading the messages….somehow dosen’t have quite the same impact when the abuse is 3 days old and he’s already moved onto something else!

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Sorry for slightly hurried responses, I’ve written long posts and been timed out so many times I just try and rattle them off now! Hope you get what I mean about this though!
If you do what someone else has advised, you don’t have to take responsibility for it. When he attacks you for your “behaviour” then, the  arrows miss.

[Fallenofftheradar]

Thank you so much for your responses, they don’t seem rushed at all, it’s really helpful to read, just to keep my sanity in a sense and to reassure myself it’s ok to just not respond to him at all. Hopefully this phase shall pass too and my anxiety with it.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I think it is the best thing not to get lured into arguments that you can’t win. I do believe in my case they were just a cover for insulting me and attacking me verbally and emotionally.
For me, it went against everything I had ever believed about how I was meant to behave, it’s just not acceptable to ignore people or not respond when someone asks you a question. it’s rude and uncivilized. My abuser played on that completely. He used my own internal rule book about how I should behave to abuse me.
I am just coming to realize that this internal rule book doesn’t exist for him, he doesn’t have it, even though he knows how to mimic it and act like he has it, actually when it suits him the ‘rule book’ is put aside and he does exactly what he wants.
The ‘rules’  about how to treat people are just a tool for him. To be used when it suits him and cast aside when it suits him.

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