He finally signed the divorce papers. Now what?

[tobehappy]

I am so conditioned to have to look for the ulterior motive that I am now worried why he signed! It must mean something but I don’t know what. It’s taken months and months. Why now? What’s he planning?

We have finances to sort and child arrangements, neither of which he will do anything about. Not until he gets what he wants…which will never happen. Mediation hasn’t worked as he claimed the mediator was biased.

Is this a change of tactic? What do you think?

[KIP.]

I think the divorce is just a piece of paper to him. The real control and manipulation can be gotten with the children and the finances. He probably wants to be seen as being ‘reasonable’. I’m 18 months trying to sort finances. Complete waste of time and money. Get a good lawyer and drag him to court if you can. Even then expect him to mess you about. Agree to something then change his mind. Mine has asked for totally unreasonable settlement which he knows I’d have to be mad to agree to. So it’s a stalemate until I can regroup and take him to court. I’ve been warned court is expensive if he drags things out. He will sell the shirt off his back if can make me homeless. Sick sick people.

[tobehappy]

Hi KIP,
I agree. I am in a similar situation to you I think. With the divorce signed I can now get on with things and it seems that may involve going to court. I have heard that he is saying things are getting much worse and probably isn’t going back to mediation. I laughed as absolutely nothing has changed in months. He obviously thought that by now he could have bullied me into doing what he wants. Ironically the longer things go on, the stronger I get, the more I learn and the better equipped I am to deal with him. I even think I can face him in court. How his plan has backfired!!!!!

You seem such a strong person. I hope you can keep going until you finally reach some sort of resolution. I don’t think they realise that to put up with the things we have done that we are actually some of the strongest people around. It just takes a little to find it sometimes. x

[Serenity]

I agree with KIP. The divorce is just a piece of paper. These abusers don’t respect the law or officialdom.

Just because you are divorced, it doesn’t mean that he won’t carry on trying to upset you, so you need to make sure that you have self-protective mechanisms in place and firm boundaries to keep him separate and from continuing to abuse. It can be done- you can take your power back.

[tobehappy]

Serenity, I so am taking my power back. Boundaries are in place and I have absolutely no thoughts about changing a thing. What I am doing now is working. I am recovering and finding my old self. I may need to deal with court but I understand his pattern of behaviour. Things still hurt but I get it and most of it I just ignore.

At least (usually) I feel I can cope. Occasionally I find him so absurd that I can actually laugh. Now that is a change from all those months ago.

I hope you are doing well Serenity. x

[Serenity]

I am glad you can do this- see how transparent he is and laugh, and that you are focussing on work and setting boundaries.

You’ve achieved so much in your recovery.

Knowledge is power. Every time he does anything, you’ll know the reason. You’re one step ahead of him all the way.

I am fine, thanks.

X*x

[Author]

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