He has packed a bag and walked out – what is my next action?

[Tuppance]

Hi
He came back from the pub ( I picked him up to be fair ) and as soon as he got in he started in our littlest. He wanted to watch tv on the set she was watching and she refused to budge. She is very strong willed. He was cross because I was in a different room ironing and our eldest was doing his homework. We were just all busy. He grabbed our youngest and pushed her back on the sofa. Finger in her face ‘(detail removed by Moderator)‘(detail removed by Moderator)‘ he shouted at her. He said to our boy that he was taking them both to school tomorrow and would be speaking to her teache. I want mum to take me, my boy said. No, I will take you, hubby said. I like it when mum takes me, said son. Thanks, you have made this really easy for me. He went and packed a case, grabbed a phone charger and walked out. So, do I use this to facilitate my departure ? I am not quite ready, paperwork wise. I am not scared of him. It’s typical of him to be wounded but it is as a result of his own behaviour. The kids are not bothered that he has walked out.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank God he’s made it so easy for you what a disgusting vile man. Stay came be alert he could come back at any time. Get on the phone to women’s aid as soon as you can! Try to do it away from the house in case he comes back and hears you on the phone. Console your children because they will be upset and hurt by his behaviour and his words. What a nasty man. Book an appointment to see a solicitor soon you need to be prepared whatever he does next. Stay colorant and aware and keep an eye on the kids as much as you can. You need to speak to the helpline tomorrow ideally but please be safe xxxxx

[Anonymous]

Tuppance I would lock the doors & make sure he can’t get back in. You’ll never get a better opportunity to do it. That is almost identical to the way my ex used to be with our daughter. I stayed way longer than I should have & you know the results that’s had on my daughter. I really think now is the time to do it. It’s a blessing in disguise, make the move while you can.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Yes and get a dashboard cam if you can for your car. Tell your kids to ring 999 if they are anything suspicious. Always keep your phone on charge and near you take a charger with you in your handbag at all times. Keep yourself prepared anywhere you go whether it’s the shops, to put petrol in, to work, taking the kids to and from school. Keep your wits about you ok? Promise me you will xxxx

[Serenity]

With what I know now, I would say even if you don’t think he means it as a permanent thing, pretend you believe him and use this to get out of the horrid relationship.

My ex came back from work one day and saw my son and I cuddled up on the sofa, with me helping him with his homework. The look of pure jealousy and hatred at our normal mother- child bond was so very obvious. The next day, he had gone, saying he’d dumped me and was reshuffling his life.

Looking back, I don’t know if he meant it or not, or just meant to scare and hurt me. He wanted to punish me. A psychologist might even say that he was punishing me for loving my kids whereas his mother wasn’t there to love him. But all so know is, I had reached my fill of his jealousy, bullying and cruelty.

At the time, I couldn’t even see him properly fur who he was- as clinically evil as I know he is now. I just had a horrible feeling around him. He showed just how bad he really was after the separation- then I realised that I had truly lived with a monster all these years.

This might just be your ticket to freedom.

[Tuppance]

Thankyou – yes I will be on guard now. I feel a bit weird about it to be honest. I need to secure some money – I think he will try some sneaky stuff now. I have my family not too far though and only a call away. I can’t change the locks and I can’t explain why in here – I haven’t texted him but our boy now wants to know where he is big if I text him he will think I care. Xxxx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

No contact no contact no contact. I cannot tell you how important no contact is. He wants you to run after him please don’t otherwise you will get trapped. Just say to your son that he’s gone to stay with a friend to cool down for a while and that daddy is ok. If you can’t change the locks keep the key in the door to prevent him coming back in. Do not open the door and do not let the kids do it. Keep the windows closed so it looks like no one is home. You must tell your family what’s happened ok? Stay with them for a few days a week if you can and really think twice about returning any of his calls and texts. These men are not rational they are manipulative and play mind games x*x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Protect yourself financially if you need to. Create a new bank account if needs be only in your name! You do what you need to protect yourself. Look after number 1 you come first and if you don’t take care of yourself you can not take care of your kids. This will feel weird it’s a huge shock you never expected it. Keep taking deep breaths deep breaths. X*x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Tuppance, my thoughts on this are, if you make your mind up you are going to take advantage of him leaving, then don’t follow that up with any contact. My ex stormed out all of the time, I regret now i’m more level headed how I acted when he did that. He ALWAYS stormed out due to him being blatantly rude, disrespectful or abusing and me expressing unhappiness because of these things. He would storm out, give me the silent treatment for weeks and then I would have to beg him & say sorry for him to ‘consider’returning. I reiterate, when HE had treated ME like s**t! What happened in these storming out sessions, i would write to him, email him, text him trying so hard to work it out. Apologize for any wrong doing I had done (normally not much), and I would send him several contacts this way just trying to work it out. If this happened to me again and a man stormed out after treated me awfully i have told myself that I would never contact, chase, plead or beg. I would just say ok bye. And then NC forever. X*X

[Ayanna]

Call a locksmith and change the locks so that he cannot get back in.

[Savingmyself]

Aw that’s horrid what he has done to his little girl and making his son think it’s his fault he left
That is abusing them
Do not contact him he wants you to chase him . Please keep him away from you all.
Big hugs x*x

[KIP.]

He will be back. Hes doing this to see your reaction. Is he drink driving then? If you dont text he will use that to throw in your face anyway. You cant win. Stick to your plan n concentrate on getting out x

[Tuppance]

My boy wants to k ow where his dad is. Asked me to calm him – I said why do r yoghurt from your phone so he has called and called. Finally his dad picks up and he is so smashed – I can hear it ( loud speaker ). My boy wants to k ow he is safe and keeps asking him where he is – he refuses to say so j have now had to text hi. To ask him to tell his so . They have school tomorrow. He is constantly trying to face time his dad so he can see him. he has just got through and passed me the phone. So I have had to speak to him. He has hung up on me and now hung up on his son. He is refusing to let his boy k ow where he is. Ok. So he is hurting, because I have had enough, but he acts like this with the kids? So frustrating .

[Tuppance]

Sorry to keep posting – so he texted me a sarcastic thanks, following the abrupt ending of his call with our boy. I texted him back that he needs to go to bed and drink water. The alcohol isn’t helping. Now we have worked out where he is he wants me to get him. The thing is our boy doesn’t know everything. My husband is telling me this behaviour of his is my fault because I have called time but I am here too. I am not going off the rails all the time. My boy isn’t talking to me now because I refuse to put him and his little sister in the car to go to X to drag him home. I can’t win – not sure how to handle this.

[Serenity]

Hi Tuppance,

They are kids and have mere children’s understanding of the situation. They will feel pulled because he is piling on the pity, guilt and indulging in the poor me act. We bring our kids up to be kind and empathetic, but then we find that they have too much sympathy for their abusive parent.

Your partner is downright selfish for upsetting the kids before school. Most abusers choose a time which is most crucial to act out their dramas, so the attention is refocused upon them.

Stand your ground. Like a scratched record, tell your kids it is a school night and they need to be in bed. Downplay the situation to them. Don’t allow him to get the kids upset too. Your son’s reaction is common in a child who is being manipulated- don’t internalise it.

Hugs X

[Tuppance]

So I texted my mum – no
Answer but she knows everything to date and had been a great support. So I text my brother to see if mum has her phone near her, he told me to not put on her because she looks tired. So I apologised to him. Then said sorry to mum – that it will be ok and I will sort it out as it’s all my own Making. She just texted me a brief ‘ OK, love you’. My brother tells me the kids have too much influence and control. So everywhere I turn I am either alone or doing a c**p job. I can’t do any of this anymore. I am c**p and a burden. Time to call it a day. Thanks for all your support. I will try not to bother everyone anymore. Everyone is so kind but s’pose only so much of my moaning can be put up with. Take care everyone. Good luck x

[Savingmyself]

Hi Hun
Please don’t ever feel like that . You are doing the best you can under pressure
When you are in a relationship with an abuser they keep you off balance and you don’t know what end is up
So please post on here as much as you need we are all in the same boat and all need the support of each other. So please don’t worry about that . This is your safe haven and will help you move forward from abuse
Hope you get some rest and post how your going tomorrow
Big hugs x*x

[Anonymous]

Oh tuppance im so sorry I wasn’t awake to support you last night. I’m sorry but I think what your brother did was terrible. He kicked you when you were down, he should be supporting you not telling you off in your hour of need. My mam has been my rock through all of this, no matter how old you get you should always be able to count on her support. Never mind……..you have us 💞 You are not c**p, you are an amazing mother & you’re doing all you can to get out of this abusive relationship. As for your husband……..he couldn’t be more like my ex if he tried!!! The pity party, the guilt, the emotional call to your son. He has done this to get to you. My ex was abusive to our daughter as a way of controlling me…it hurt me way more if he verbally assaulted her than if he had beaten me up. He is playing mind games with the kids to get to you, they are disgusting & don’t care who they hurt to get what they want. You stick to your guns, leave this monster your kids will thank you when they realise how much better life is when they don’t live with him. My daughter had turned a corner now, she came in the other day & said I really really love you mam. It’s been hard work getting here, but I promise you tuppance it’s so worth it. Please don’t feel like you’re alone, you are not a burden we are here foe you. I hope you’re ok this morning? Xx

[Tuppance]

I just want to disappear. My boy hates me this morning for not driving last night and dragging his dad home. I did offer to pick him up but he never replied. I am making the kids go to school even though they are tired. I feel that I need to be strong and maintain their routines. So the rejection k feared all along has started but I am thinking , now it has started perhaps I should be strong enough to see it though and rid myself of this sad, manipulative bully of a husband. X*x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Tuppance, your husband is manipulating you and your kids, getting under their skin and influencing their thoughts with power & control games. I really love these links, my ex was a master of manipulation where I thought I was responsible for everything. Mental abuse is dangerous please take care:

Manipulated by HG Tudor
No Contact like a Boss
30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships

http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-n*********s-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/6/?utm_source=manipulativearcissists&utm_medium=fb&utm_campaign=ad

[Serenity]

Dear Tuppance,

So many of us have been through exactly what you are going through, and can sympathise.

I will give you the advice I was given. Play the long game. It’s hard, but your kids will take it out on you. Part of this is that they trust and love you, ironically. They know they can’t vent their hurt on you and you won’t stop loving them.

I remember going to my GP when I was in a similar situation to you. I was in a state. She told me that love is more powerful than anything- any power games, anything. It will win in the end.

My kids took their anger out on me, blamed me, etc in certain moments. It was so hard to keep strong. My DV worker told me that I needed to be like a graceful swan: calm on the outside, even if I was paddling like mad under the surface, because I needed to make my kids think that I was too strong to become my ex’s puppet.

Many ladies on here have questioned why their kids have sided with the abuser, and one response was that the children’s fear of the abuser is (temporarily) more powerful than their love for you. That is, they are scared of the fall-out if they don’t stand up for the abuser, whether they fear retribution from their father, or whether their father is playing the victim and making the children feel sorry and responsible for them ( unhealthy).

Regarding your brother’s reaction: it seems to be a very common thing on this forum that women have experienced their family’s lack
of understanding and empathy when they are at their lowest, and that instead they have been judged and even abused further by their own families- kicked when down. This makes me think there is a real link between our experience of our original families and our falling into abusive relationships. Don’t confuse in your brother any further: just turn to supportive people who understand. You can’t afford to expose yourself to any of your family’s unkindness.

Please don’t feel bad about posting here. I have been on this forum for quite a while, asking for support. All the ladies here want to help: they have been through your pain and want to help.

Big hugs X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Tuppence we are here with you. Family and friends sometimes do not know what to say or the he’s afraid of saying something wrong. To ate not c**p the only piece of c**p around here is that partner of yours!!! You remember that ok? The kids are bound to feel confused, upset and anxious they probably didn’t even sleep properly last night but hold your head up high keep breathing deeply and remember your long term goals. Your kids maybe blaming you now but they do not understand the extent of their dad’s behaviour so they can’t understand now but believe me they will thank you in the long run. We are here stood with you side by side I promise don’t give up. I won’t let you x*x

[Tuppance]

Thankyou Thankyou so very much all of you. He has texted me a lengthy apology followed by kisses. I have just told him we need to talk, when the kids are at school tomorrow. He is accepting some blame but still refers to my coldness and false family environment. I won’t disappear from here – this forum – you have all overwhelmed me with your support. A millions thank you S to you all. Xxxxx

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Tuppance, I just want to let you know the longer you are in the toxic relationship and the more you bend, twist and distort your personality to fit, the deeper the psychological damage and the longer it takes to recover. X*X

I noticed red flags from the second date. I should have got rid of him during the first few months when his obsessiveness was worrying me. Instead I stayed for quite a while longer. Back then I didn’t have these psychological issues and he did not dominate my life. Instead he has hooks in me due to the toxic scenarios and these are not easy to unhook.

[Tuppance]

Good morning
He called last night, drunk again, saying he felt so awful and asked if he could come home and I said no, not tonight. I wasn’t being mean just practical as I was trying to settle the kids down for bed. He turned up this morning to see the kids and has just rung me asking me not to move out. That he wants to speak to my doctor about my illness. He wants to know if it is all to do with him. He wants us to try to make our marriage work. He is putting too much pressure on me – I can’t be rude and do no contact as we have two beautiful children but I just want him to leave me alone so I can process and deal with my emotions and this whole sorry situation. I don’t know how to handle this. I feel sorry for him but if we were to have any chance then I need to have my space.

[Tuppance]

I don’t like hurting him. He hasn’t got many genuine friends. He is lost and lonely. It’s making me feel sorry for him but I am also angry with him.

[KIP.]

Tuppance, they use the ‘poor me’ card to get your sympathy and regain control. Watch what happens if this tactic doesnt work. He will once again show you the real him. Self serving and nasty. This is your chance to take control. Feeling sorry for him is not going to help you. Its giving him the power back. No contact is not ‘rude’. Its self preservation. Truely, if you let this go on you will prolong the pain and agony which is abuse. Its the classic cycle you are stuck in. They push and pull our emotions. I know its difficult but hes doing and saying everything my ex did. Next he will offer to get help for himself. Then when you think there is hope, he will pull the rug from under you again. Each time making it harder to get out. He chooses to behave this way. He will never change but you can x

[Serenity]

If he were a good person, he could never have hurt you like he has.

They want to reel you in again by making you feel sorry for them, then they ‘slap’ you all over again- not least because they’ve lost respect for you because you put up with their abuse.

These abusers prey on kindness.

If he has no friends etc, it is his responsibility to work out why and to do some self-reflection.

We have all got hurt because we wanted to rescue our abusers, who very often seemed so hard done by. The truth is, manipulation is as natural to them as breathing.

It is hard for you to fathom this, because you aren’t made like him. But this is the bitter truth. 💛

[Author]

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