He has someone new

[Peacethroughhealing]

I’ve broken my heart over him (detail removed by moderator) now, crying, not eating, not sleeping and in turmoil. I helped save his life and then he became more and more abusive. Gaslighting, manipulating. He said it was my fault. I was out with my friend recently and I saw him with someone. He was taking her somewhere he used to take me. I was physically sick. Deep down I thought he was still in love with me. After all the help I gave him. I feel numb and empty. It ruined my night and I can’t get the vision of them out of my head. So I have submitted a domestic abuse form and I am going all the way. I was so conflicted but I’m not anymore and I am going to ruin him if I can. I’ve spoken to my HR person about him too so they are aware. I think I’ve tried to protect him until now. Then I saw him with someone else and that was the final straw for me. No holds are barred now. He used me and gaslighted me and I’ve been in a fog. I wanted something done now but I have to bide my time, I know that.

[maddog]

I did all sorts of things to protect my ex. Looking back it horrifies me.

Well done for reaching out. It’s a massive step to recognise domestic abuse and nobody wants to think it’s happening to them.

My ex is with someone new. Poor woman. I hope it doesn’t take her as long as it took me for the scales to fall off her eyes! There were so many times early on with my ex that his words didn’t fit his actions, so many times of blatant entitlement. He was more like a carnival float of red flags and still I wanted to believe him.

Keep reaching out and take all the hands that are able to hold you.

[Peacethroughhealing]

Thanks maddog. I feel broken all over again. I was beginning to pick myself up. I did go to the police two earlier this year but I was in a complete fog and adored him so I didn’t go through with it all and make statements. I don’t want him to get away with it now and am putting plans in place. The frustrating thing is that I want something done now and it doesn’t work that way. All the months I suffered but not being able to go through with taking things further with the police. I’ve wasted so much time. I’ve now spoken to my work about him too. I helped save his life and he doesn’t deserve to be walking around with someone new and being healthy and well. I supported him when he was at deaths door and went through all the s**t of that for him to meet someone else. He’s a liar and an idiot. I hope I get closure.

[Peacethroughhealing]

I want to find out her name and use Clare’s Law.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure you can Claire’s Law for someone else.

I know its hard to see that he has moved on, but at least it has given you the chance to see things as they really were.

[Peacethroughhealing]

I won’t stop Justholdingon. I have given him so much and wasted (detail removed by moderator) I’ll over him. I am stronger now and can see through the fog. He will say he’s moved on because I drove him to it. He tried to kill us back in (detail removed by moderator) and I stayed with him! If it’s a partner you can get the police to contact the person re Clares Law to inform them. I want it to be the same with my work as to lose his job would destroy him but I will have to make a statement for that process to start in work.

[Anonymous]

Good luck. It is not going to be easy.

[fizzylem]

Hi PTH, so sad to read this, when you have been doing well more recently. It’s really not been that much time has it since you two ended and he’s picked up with a new supply – another sign of how cold and callous he can be.

It’s Christmas, which can feel like an emotional time, especially the first one after the seperation. For me it was just about getting through it, I only tried to give my child a good time and did nothing else, just didnt have it.

When we find out he’s with someone else it’s a blow to the heart, but the initial hit is the worst part, now you can adjust to the idea and think about what it means to you. I pity the woman my ex is with now as we know what’s around the corner dont we. I also know hand on heart that I do not want this life.

I would suggest you give yourself a bit of time to get used to the idea of him with someone else first and for a while before you do anything else and get past Christmas and NY – the pain this brings also brings insight, affirmations and closure.

Claire’s law is for those who want to make a statement to police and for those in a new relationship who request to know if there is any DA information on this new man.

I did the same as you, fooled myself into thinking I meant more to him. I can see I did this to help me get through for a while, the problem with this is when you find out this isnt the case, when reality hits, like here, because it hits hard and you didnt see it coming either, it showed me that I was living in denial, that I had created this illusion to avoid letting go, it felt like to accept he didn’t care also meant accepting he never really loved me – which is a hard pill to swallow, and yet it was also much needed. After a lot of soul searching this led me to discover the value in always being true to myself – probably one of my favorite and most helpful life lessons ever. I’ll never not be true to myself again now and this also tells me that because of this things will probably always be alright.

Hang on in there and grieve, let it all out, call the samaritians if you need an emotional outpour – they’re great for this. You don’t want this a*****e in your life anyway, use this as the time that you now fully feel signed up to this decision and why exactly that is. Hugs lady, its horrid anytime of year but Christmas is probably the worst. Be sure to give yourself what you need xx

[Peacethroughhealing]

Thank you fizzylem. I will not let this go now, I am finding the strength after feeling so weak for months. I have nothing to lose and I will go as far as I can to see him brought to task over all of his actions. The best thing would be if I can get him dismissed from the company as that would break him as it’s his life. If anything it will make it easier to speak to the police and my work about everything. I am going to write all that I can remember down for when I speak to them and also make a complaint after the way the police handled things back earlier in the year. Maybe nothing will come of it justholdingon but I have to do my best now. He could have destroyed me after everything I did for him so now it’s time to repay the favour. I am with my family and the pets today. I will get through this, he will not break me as he nearly did this year.

[fizzylem]

Sounds like a good idea to wtite it all down. If you haven’t already, I would suggest you get a support worker from the local WA service, talk it through with her, shape your statement with her and get her to come with you.

You need to show the patterns in his behaviour; you’ve already told them about an assualt haven’t you? But sounds like you’ll need to revisit this.

Have you read up on the law? Read the Rights for women pages, call them, discuss it with them.

You could also get a free 30mins – hour with a solicitor – which isn’t long, so being prepped with the right questions would be good.

The CPS page on coercive control and controlling behaviour is also useful.

It’s an emotional time PTH, make sure you do your homework and prep before you go; you are at risk of being viewed as malicious is you make an emotional complaint – could be viewed as a reaction to this recent news and thus not taken seriously which you want to avoid dont you. The police can refuse to take a statement – it’s a collaborative process.

Maybe list all of the things he’s done on one paper – the facts – and the incidents.

Then list the effects / impact this has had on you on in another doc.

Give the examples of his coercive and controlling behaviour on another – if you have evidence then gather this if you feel able although this is not essential at this stage – but it will help bring clarity by doing this and help you to verbalise what you say.

You are angry, and have every right to feel this way, but try to be mindful that anger can lead us into making poor decisions and it also creates delusional thoughts so very easily – so obviously you want to avoid this and make sure you build your case on the facts using the law to guide you.

Look into what can be done, the information so you make informed decsions / a response – to avoid making a reaction from your emotions – an uniformed reaction as this can lead to disapointment, feeling let down and hopelessness.

Might also be an idea to get some counselling so you can work through the angry feelings.

There’s no rush here, gather what you need. You’ve made alot of progress with work over the last few months haven’t you and you have their support which is great x

[Dancemama]

I feel your pain after near a decade together I was discarded for someone new unbeknowns to me. He was having an affair.
It hurt so so much but I cut him off limited contact. He stayed with her for a year then discarded her and was on dating app weeks later looking for a relationship a friend saw him!
Always needing a supply.
It hurts when You know they’re with simeoneekse however things I have learnt
They never heal and move on, they have victims for supply of their (detail removed by moderator) tendencies.
Feel sorry for the new victim you know the pain and hurt he caused you hell do the same to her, however it’s not your purpose to let her know.
Your purpose is to heal yourself and give your energy and self care to YOURSELF
The best revenge is no revenge and leading a happy peaceful (detail removed by moderator) free life without him
Don’t stoop to his level
Hold your head high and put the work into healing yourself and NOT bringing him down
It maybe a short term gratification however that’s all it will be. Your long term happiness is working on yourself

X

[Author]

Posts