He is being quiet again

[Footballfan1]

It makes me feel on edge.
He has been leaving me alone, I’m not used to it.
He’s normally trying something on but I haven’t heard anything from him.
I’m worried he is planning on doing something.
X

[Lisa]

Hi Footballfan1,

It’s often really unsettling when there’s a change in the pattern of behaviour, it’s no surprise that you’re feeling the way you are. It could be that this is a tactic in itself that he’s using to keep you on edge if other things he’s been trying aren’t getting him the response he wants.

Keep reaching out for support and take care,
Lisa

[Watersprite]

Is it because that was the pattern in your relationship – the calm before the storm? Knowing what was going to happen next. I was afraid of when he went quiet for the same reasons. The pattern continues after I left. Keep up your safety planning but but by bit it will become a normal and beautiful thing x

[Footballfan1]

Thanks for replies,
He was up to something.
I overheard him on the phone to my child, so I heard his plan.
He has also suddenly starting texting me all sorts of things, trying to say everyone knows its been me that’s been abusive to him.
He also said I won’t get away with what I’ve done, and he sent a veiled sort of threat.
He deleted some of his messages but I managed to screenshot them all before he deleted.
X

[Footballfan1]

I do get worried because of the pattern in the old relationship, but also, it’s been happening after our breakup too.
I’m just more aware of the calm before the storm when they happen now.
Before, when we were together, I didn’t even notice the cycle of calm then escalation.
It’s only since we split that I notice it. X

[StrongLife]

I understand this. Waiting for something to happen and getting prepared / safety plan is no fun.

Sorry this has happened

[Footballfan1]

Thanks Stronglife,
He has started turning up at the house unexpectedly again.
I think I need to report it to the police.
He tried to get in 1 of the days.
I swear, if I didn’t always lock my doors, he would have gotten back in by now .

[Hereforhelp]

Footballfan1, good idea to report to police as he is upping it again… mine has done the same after a silent spell… I have reported each time he contacts me to the police, so that they see his patterns as well, it is their job to step in and keep us safe was my thinking plus I really don’t know what to expect next from mine as he can be very unpredictable 🤔 it is horrible to carry that anxiety around on my own (I felt better once reported, an officer came over and advised me to keep reporting no matter how insignificant I may think his message is I still forward it to the police).
Take care ❤️

[Footballfan1]

Thanks Hereforhelp,

What you said makes sense.
I will report it.
I think the Christmas period being nearly upon us will trigger him.
Like you said, they are unpredictable, you can’t predict what they will do next.

My mum said it will be upsetting for him, seeing other happy families and seeing our decorations up.
It’s upsetting for me and the kids too though!

[Hereforhelp]

That must be difficult Footballfan1, having your mum pity your ex… I guess she doesn’t understand DA?

I feel anxious around this time as I know him, he will use Christmas to contact me, there’s no need for him to contact as our children are teenagers so he could post whatever he thought they might like… but no, he will have to contact Me to get at me… I want him out my life and to not have to carry anxiety for any future anniversaries… that would be nice, that and divorce finalised
❤️

[Footballfan1]

Hi Hereforhelp,

My mum knows everything that has happened, but I think he put on a nice act for a couple of weeks to get her to persuade me to allow contact with the kids.
I gave in, and he escalated again.
I don’t know why she feels sorry for him when he refuses to adhere to any boundaries I put in place.

I understand your anxiety, it’s truly awful.
They want to be a part of our lives forever.
It’s sick. X

[Iwantmeback]

Thank for highlighting this Footballfan1. Mine goes silent when I stand up to him, when I tell him I don’t want to see him, that we’re divorced and I want to be left alone, which he does for a while but never goes more than a week. He’s now ill and I’ve been as supportive as I can but it’s getting too much now, I’m seeing and hearing his sh..ty behaviour again, yet I’m feeling guilty for having stood up for myself. I’ve never reported him in the nearly (detail removed by Moderator) decades we were together. Yet now there’s been instances of stalking but because he’s ill I feel I can’t report him. So I’m sitting in my home waiting on the phone going or even my door, as like others, if he doesn’t get a hold of me he’ll just turn up, citing how worried he is about me or that he’s felt even worse.
I know I’m stronger, I know why I feel bad about standing up to him, for me the best thing to do is to tell others how you feel and do something to distract you from thinking of them. Also facing those feelings also helps your body to re-regulate, so you’re initial reaction isn’t anxiety.
Best wishes and be safe,
IWMB 💞💞

[Footballfan1]

Thank you I wantmeback,
That’s very wise advice.
I feel for you going through this, your ex is ill but that’s not your fault.
Plus remember that he was horrible before he was ill.
Your right, you are strong.
Stay safe.

[Author]

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