He made contact about the kids

[she-ra]

So after feeling strong yesterday, (detail removed by Moderator) has left me feeling trapped. I am very recently out and wishing I’d done it years ago. The peace the kids and I have is amazing. I am taking back control of my home and my life and I should have known he wouldn’t stay gone for good.I have been no contact as it makes me stronger, apart from (detail removed by Moderator) visits to collect stuff from the house when we weren’t there we haven’t had to deal with him, it has been bliss. he turned up (detail removed by Moderator) and i thought we could be adults about it, how wrong I was. As soon as I wouldn’t agree with what he wanted (access to the children) the name calling, swearing and death threats started. Surprise, surprise! He is throwing everything at me: how I am passive agressive (first time he’s used this term so someone has told him it!), how it wasn’t domestic abuse, I don’t know what real domestic abuse is, how I’ve abused him, how I’m a liar, how I’m playing games with the children, how I’ve abused the children, how I’ve led him up the garden path, how I thrive on the drama and the attention of it all, how I’m punishing his mum by not letting him have the children, how he’ll take me to court for 50/50 custody, how I don’t deserve to have his children, his DNA, his genetics, how unworthy I am of him. It just went on and on, he’s really gone for the head trip today. Not feeling quite as strong as I did, stupid me, never, ever will he cross my doorstep again. This is clearly what he is telling him family and everyone else, how it was all me, how mentally unstable I am. I really cannot believe how he won’t accept any responsibility for what he’s done. He then told me if I give him £(detail removed by Moderator) he will go and have nothing to do with us, £(detail removed by Moderator) for each of the children. I am just speechless. He tells me that I can’t keep him away from his kids, then in the next breath tells me I can pay him off for them. And that’s it, that’s all they’re worth to him. Shocking, there is no amount of money in this world that would make me even consider leaving my babies. My eldest has refused to have anything to do with him, he hates him and has told him to his face he doesn’t want to see him anymore. He seems to have accepted this but is thus trying to bride the younger 3, dresses for my youngest if she goes to his mothers. I do feel bad for his mum, I don’t have an issue with her and said he could bring her to my home and she was welcome to see the children without him. He wouldn’t hear of it. Definitely saw the bully (detail removed by Moderator) – now I feel sick about having to let him see them. I told him I would text him with a time (detail removed by Moderator) to get him to leave. I feel like packing a bag and running away and never returning. Sorry lovelies just needed to vent. x*x

[she-ra]

So I googled passive aggressive traits and they’re survival skills – keeping quiet so as not to aggravate him or say the wrong thing and escalate the situation, subtle insults – nothing subtle about me telling him he’s (detail removed by Moderator)! sullen behavior – not sullen just depressed because of being abused and miserbale, stubbornness – not giving into his every request at my expense – sexually, emotionally and financially, and then you do it anyway for fear of the consequence! failure to finish tasks – not doing exactly as I’m told when I’m told.

Ha! So not so much passive aggressive – just surviving abuse on a daily basis. x

[KIP.]

Ring the police and report his threats. Get a non molestation order in place to keep him away from you and the kids. If you don’t take charge now, this is the behaviour he will subject you to for years to come. Do not listen to a word he says. It’s all lies designed to distract you from his abusive behaviour and its worked. He has you questioning your own behaviour, looking up google when the spotlight should be firmly on his behaviour and how it’s led to you fleeing for your own safety. Zero contact is the only way forward.

[she-ra]

Thank you lovely, I fear your are right. I know I shouldn’t have googled it, but he really got to me today xx

[freedomtochoose]

I think hon, preparation is now the name of the game for you.
And what they call ‘getting all your ducks in a row’.

Legally, financially and every other which way.

x

[she-ra]

Thank you FTC, I think you’re right. I saw a solicitor for a free consultation months ago, I still have her card so think I might need to ring her in the morning. I’ve started trying to cut ties with things like bills etc making sure everything is just in my name. Hopefully she’ll be able to help me. xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi she-ra could you ring his mum so she can see the children on your terms. It does my heart good to know you’re eldest wants nothing to do with him. The younger ones may follow their lead. Definately let the police know he’s threatening you. Don’t let him see the children, if he’s so concerned about money, (trying to get you to pay him off, how disgusting ) then he’ll never go near court. If it comes to it let the courts decide, he doesnt deserve any contact plus I fear he’d abuse you through them too and try to brainwash them against you. Don’t text him with a time and watch the abusive texts begin, evidence to show the police. You can do this, the longer you’re away from him and his poison the stronger you’ll get and the stronger your wee one’s will become. Love to you mo charaid IWMB 💕💕

[she-ra]

Thank you so much lovelies, I am back to feeling stronger today and where my babies concerned am most definitely ready for war. KIP you are so wise, he did completely distract me yesterday and throw it all onto me and made me doubt myself and what has happened. I have not lied and I have not made anything up and I know that and I’ve got the photos to prove it. You know the sad thing his mum was a victim of domestic abuse at the hands of his dad for years, really bad physical abuse and all his siblings. Yet none of them see it in him and believe him when he says it’s all me. Yet they’ve made allowances for him how many times have we been told ‘don’t upset him’, ‘keep quiet’, ‘do as he says’. Too many times, well no more, no more of this. The whole point of leaving was so the kids didn’t have to do this anymore, they don’t have to see it or hear it anymore. So we are safe. I am still speechless that he would offer for me to pay him off for each of the children to leave us alone. He really is something else, the lowest of the low. Packing a bag and off out for the next few days I think. xxxx

[diymum@1]

I think the fact he’s asked you to ‘pay him off’is your trump card if you go to court. Is that in a text? He’s really tripped himself up xx love Diy mum

they always do

[she-ra]

Unfortunately not my lovely all verbal face to face. So I guess my word against his. Like I said absolutely speechless that that would even occur to him, no more wobbles or feeling bad for him and guilty. Just shocking. I guess I need to try and record that officially? xx

[fizzylem]

Hey She-ra, good for you, you’re back today, try to stay focused, I know it’s hard as this is emotionally devastating and he is incredibly hard to deal with. I’d like to echo what KIP said, do act now and stop him or yes, this will go on for years. This has been my expereince and it has taken me to breaking point on a number of occassions. My biggest regret was that I didn’t involve the police from the start. It may have been verbal threats but I think reporting him anyway is the way to go. You have the house smashed up and now him asking for money for the children.

You’re now seeing the man he is and will be. Try to shelve the man you thought he was, the man you hoped. He is your enemy now and will do what he can to try and destroy you. Get a head of this and him x

[diymum@1]

id logg this anyway you can the gp can do that – so noone was there when he said this? that is a shame but it says alot and is definitely worth mentioning. this sounds devious and some times you have to be especially for the sake of the kids. could you record the next conversation – bate him?(safely of course not face to face) i would its all evidence sometimes these men need to be caught out. they will play dirty and i know this isnt a game but do what you have to do x*x love diymum

[diymum@1]

also when i reported my ex for firstly attacking me on one occasion and then smashing up the house + forcing his way in. he got an absolute discharge – he does have threatening and abusive behaviour on his record but he got away each time – i wonder has the law improved ?- this was all less than a decade ago xx

[KIP.]

What he’s doing with these verbal outbursts is fishing for weaknesses. If you’d said ok I will give you money for the kids, he would have turned it round that you were outrageously trying to buy him off. He will twist absolutely everything you say round leaving you exhausted confused and more depressed than ever. Please stick to zero contact. You have every right legally and morally to decide who you allow in your life. Any contact is toxic x

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