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(timeframe removed by Moderator) ago, I was in bed as I wasn’t feeling well and my fiance came home from a work event.
he saw I had a hot drink and asked if I was okay, I said I had a sore throat. He then put his right hand around my neck so his thumb on the right of throat and his four fingers on the left. Not as if he was checking if tonsils were raised. He didn’t squeeze I really didn’t like it, so I gently pushed his hand off, he asked why I did that and I said I felt uncomfortable with his hand around my neck.
he then put his hands up in exasperation and said that he was just trying to massage my throat and that he can’t do anything right and I’m not picking. He then was muttering to himself and kicked our (object removed by Moderator).
I was very confused and frightened, when I ask why he did that, he said he was joking. I can’t remember exactly what he said but he said something about what I was saying was a load of s**t?
I am so worried I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
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Hi Littlelemon1234,
You have a right to decide what is done to your body and to move someone else’s hand off of you if you feel uncomfortable. How he reacted to this is completely unacceptable. That’s aside from the fact that what he did was put his hand around your neck, which is an aggressive and dominating action, especially so in the context of domestic abuse. It is frightening and it’s not a normal thing to do when someone says their throat hurts. You’re not making a big deal out of nothing. You were uncomfortable and moved his hand away because of it. Had a non-abusive partner done something that made you uncomfortable and you expressed this, they would listen, apologise, and reassure you that they wouldn’t do it again. Putting a hand around someone’s throat is never a joke. Abusers do often minimise their behaviour as being a joke though, which is part of making women question themselves and feel like they are at fault.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
You’re right to make a big deal of this. I mean, even if ‘massaging’ a sore throat was a thing (which it isn’t) you knew that wasn’t what he was actually doing. Everything he did that night was scary. Putting his hands on you, getting angry, dismissing your feelings, blaming you for over-reacting, pretending to be joking, kicking something and using abusive language.
Was this a one-off or part of a pattern of behaviour?
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This act itself was one off. I haven’t experienced this with him before.
however that being said there are other patterns in our relationship which I am concerned about. I’ll just listen below:
– if I say how I feel sometimes it gets flipped back onto me and I end up apologising. or I’m being told that I’m looking for problems.
– we had gotten engaged, but I have felt something in my gut telling me not to go through with it. so we put the planning on pause at the moment, but I felt like there was a really big rush and he wanted to decide a lot of things.
– I’m often told that I’m overreacting and that I can’t take a joke. he also often criticises where I’m from (we’re both from the same part of a nation that come from different country within that nation).
-has sworn at me, but then blamed it on his culture saying that they were all like that. And that I’m asking him for a lot to ask him to stop swearing at me.
– he also uses my past against me (I was in one abusive relationship before, and I did have some issues in my childhood as well). so he says that I always see things through certain lens
– we had a incident where I was asleep and he started to perform a sexual act on me which I didn’t consent to. he has said sorry, but it hasn’t really felt genuine.
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Hi Littlelemon1234,
Thank you for sharing with us about what you have experienced in your relationship. You have described different types of abusive behaviour from him, none of these behaviours are acceptable from him. It is common for abusive people to turn things around to blame the other person to shift any responsibility- you haven’t done anything to cause his abusive behaviour, he is choosing to act this way rather than behave in a supportive respectful manner in the relationship.
Have you had any contact with your local domestic abuse service before? The local service can often offer ongoing emotional and practical support to explore your options and help with making a plan based on what you want to happen. You can find details of your local service here.
Keep posting to us when you can, we are here for you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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