He said he didn’t mean to hurt me

[LizSKY]

After stupidly taking him back this year because he promised he would change, the first (detail removed by moderator) were great. Then slowly he’s gone back to his old ways. The other day I asked him if he had been messaging other women on social media as I’d been told by someone he had. Of course he denied it, but then turned it round on me and grabbed my phone. I asked for it back and tried you take it back from him (I don’t have anything to hide). As I did he put his hand out and hit my face. As I went to go through the door he trapped my arm, I said he was hurting it but he carried on pushing the door. When he eventually calmed down  (detail removed by moderator) he said was only putting his arm out and didn’t mean to catch me and that I was the one pushing the door so that was my own fault.

I am in the process of trying to organise everything for him/or me to leave. He has been physical before but never really hurt me. This time he has and I worry that now it will only get worse. I feel so stupid for letting him back into our lives.

[survivorandproud]

Hi LizSKY,

Unfortunately an abuser will say sorry when they know they are losing you. Going back is validation in their eyes of their behaviour, and it will get worse and worse. We all continue to ignore these signs and try and see the best in our partner, however, this enables more control and abuse. Don’t ever call yourself stupid, these men are very clever at manipulating us into thinking they will change, or they are sorry, or they are suicidal. Make plans to leave, it will seem difficult at first but have a safe place to go and someone you can trust. If not, contact your local helpline. You will feel an overload of emotions and still feel that trauma bond with your partner, but just remind yourself their only intent is to control your life. You only live this life once, do not waste it. Good luck and stay strong x

[maddog]

You are not stupid, LizSKY. We have the wool pulled so firmly over our eyes that we cannot see out. You are in fact doing really well to begin to recognise his behaviour for what it is. Please do not try and leave on your own. These abusers have a lifetime of practice in lying, manipulating, gaslighting etc. They are masters of their practice and we cannot beat them on our own.

If his intention was not to cause you harm, what on earth was it? It is a big fat lie to pass the blame onto you and make it your fault. He is minimising his behaviour. You would be perfectly within your rights to report him to the police for assault.

Please make contact with Women’s Aid and start safety planning. You are already making progress and hold yourself high on that one.

[she-ra]

Hi Lizsky,

I’ve just seen this, not been on in a while, as I haven’t had the strength to face the truth. I am so sorry to hear you were hurt, sending you bug hugs. I finally managed to phone the helpline to talk about options about leaving. I hope you are ok and are making plans. I completely agree with the ladies he intentions were clear and of course the blame gets passed to you, I have had very similar incidents like slamming the front door repeatedly on my ankle so I could barely walk for days, but it was my fault, I left my foot there. They are absolutely outrageous and I wish the best for you. You’re not stupid, you’re human with a good heart and want to see the best in people and hope they will change, we all do. They will never change. Keep us posted. Hope you’re ok xxxxx

[Twisted Sister]

You’re really not stupid, you didn’t accept him back on the basis he would carry on as before, by have a fresh chance to be different, only he’s not he’s just him, the same abuse which is escalating.

It’s assault, completely unprovoked assault. Who leaves their arm ina door so that it will hurt, the police won’t swallow that!

Go safely, make your plans quietly and carefully not to let him know what to might have in mind. Keep posting but make sure to do it safely doing private browsing and covering your tracks on line so he can’t see.

Warmest wishes ts

[Author]

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