He says i've marginalised him

[Robin]

He told me last night that he feels like a spare part in the family – he’s not involved in anything and is only there to do the garden/house and that I do nothing, i just make a mess. All I’m intrested in are the kids and my only relationship is with them that’s my only focus and that all I want from him are cuddles and kisses like on the telly.

He’s made me feel so bad about myself. I don’t think there’s anything strange about wanting hugs and kisses fromm your partner or about putting the kids first. And I do do cleaning in the house and I try to help in the garden when I can. He was moaning about a lack of intimacy and that I’m not interested in it. When I try to tell him that it’s because of his shouting and swearing he talked over me, saying that it was all his fault was it? I feel powerless – he won’t listen. I’ve said that I need love, kindness and respect from him but hes’ not hearing me. At the weekend he asked why couldn’t I dress in skinny jeans and boots and then laughed and said I wouldn’t fit into them. He’s putting our problems on me and I think it’s him. Surely putting your kids first is normal? I won’t miss not being more involved in the garden or not cleaning enough but I do miss time with my boys (I work full time).

I don’t know what I can do to include him. He’s already said that hes’ not interested in watching son go to football/swimming etc. He just wants it to be the two of us again, doing what he wants.

[EeyoreNoMore]

This is exactly what my ex was like.

If you could shut out the world, the kids and everyone and put 100% of your focus on him it still wouldn’t be enough. It’s just part of their tactics to make you feel like you’re not good enough.

It’s no wonder we don’t want to be intimate with them when they treat us the way they don is it.

[KIP.]

I agree. My ex used to say he was so far down the pecking order he was below the dog. Self pitying (detail removed by Moderator) trying to use guilt to control. Yes it’s normal to put the kids first and he should be grateful you’re a good mother. My ex was jealous of our son and our dog. Total dysfunction. Huge tantrums from a grown man. I’m so glad those days are behind me, you deserve better.

[Robin]

Thank you both. I’m feeling better already. I have tried to include him – I’d said to him that if he doesn’t get involved with him now he’s less likely to want to spend time with him when older, he told me to stop talking b******s! And he’s told me not to ask him ever again to take him to football as he’s not interested.

He was aaying last night what’s the point in our relationship. I wasn’t brave enough to say that there wasn’t. I haven’t found somewhere to rent yet and I’m conscious that I should before I confirm that we should end it. Lots of strenght needed.

[EeyoreNoMore]

I think when they do the “what’s the point” thing they are testing us to see how much we’re buying into their BS. There was a point where the mere hint of him leaving me would mean I’d be literally begging him to stay. Towards the end my response to his comments like that changed and he knew he was losing his grip on me. Be careful hun as they become more dangerous when they realise they are losing control.

[KIP.]

Wise words. Mine went nuts. Assaulted me was arrested etc. Just make sure you have everything in place when you go. Speak to women’s aid to help you get out. Our local housing will prioritise domestic abuse victims which is great. Do not believe a word he says. Stay strong and just keep moving forward. While you are dealing with his abusive nonsense, it leaves little head space to organise an escape so don’t get drawn into his head games X they use distraction tactics too.

[Nova]

Hi Robin,
Your right he is fishing for hints and change in your pattern of behaviour, he wants re assurance that he is still in control…& your not rebelling &/or wanting to change the situation. As EeeyoreNoMore says & we all do..be v careful at this point…keep your head cool try not to let him chip away at you & keep safe.

Easier said than done, we know what that feels like, & all the BS that comes with it..about basically them…it’s always every time about their selfish little self, isn’t it! 100% focus, as long as they’re alright then fine and when they’re not alright you have to fix it…So wrong, it’s not your ‘job’ to have to sort his pitiful existence out.

Safety is your only priority you & your children.

Hugs
Cx

[Confused123]

HI HUn

YOur totally right in your thinking, what is it with these men, they have kids then dont want the responsobiltiy, well tough luck for him, u did your part be saying be more involved with kids, if his not intrested fine dont ask again, carry on searching for a place then tell him once u have found. My ex used to say same no point ion us living together, i went and said your right, he just ended up waking me dailyin sleep to say he’d throw me out if i thought there was no point in staying together, pelase get yourself place first, in mean time play the two faced game and act normal

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