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For the third night running he has come home drunk and been arsey / grumpy / snarky. Tonight he was annoyed about a particular commitment that the kids and I had. It had been planned all week so he has plenty of notice. He was invited to join in but he declined. Therefore he was in charge of his own tea tonight. He came back from the pub half drunk again and was moaning about not having and tea which our eldest said it was his own fault – he had plenty of notice. My husband dos not like that at all and snatched our child’s laptop away. He said it was clear it was 3 against 1 and that he was the big bad guy again, mr mean, mr nasty etc,, I stuck up for our child as I thought he was justified in jos remarks and he wasn’t rude at all about it. But husband did not like him standing up for himself. Then he changed tack completely after he told me how well he did on holiday with the kids ( I was itching to bring up my sons texts to me whilst they were away saying how horrible he was being, that my son was scared, that his dad was being irresponsible, but I couldn’t as that would betray my sons trust. So I kept quiet ( trying that grey rock – non emotional response ). The. He said he loved me and I couldn’t say anything. I said I cared for him but he was not happy with that and the sarcastic comments flowed as I would not hug him or tell him I love him. He said it was really unfair and my behaviour was disgusting given that he was being good and sleeping in a different room and all being civil. I said to him – you don’t see how you come across. Grumpy, arsey and drunk. Well, the use of the word drunk nearly popped his cork. He was not happy at all and said he was being unfairly judged. The bloke lives in a different planet I am sure. i felt sorry for him but hate him at the same time because of his continued poor behaviour, after everything that k have explained, is it possible to Pity someone you hate but care about ? Xx
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You can hate someone you love, and love someone you hate. Love him but hate the way he treated you. By nature spouses are the ones we want to comfort us when we are feeling hurt or scared. In our situation the people who hurt us are the same people who we feel we want comfort from. To make things worse, in the past, when arguments have blown up, we felt comforted by ‘him’ afterwards when he was sorry and in the contrition phase. Now the hurt cannot be comforted. It must be given the chance to fizzle out on its own. Only then will you feel great. Leaving an abusive relationship is more difficult than leaving a non-abusive one because victims tend to become emotionally dependent😮😮 on their abusive partners. Don’t pity him. Pity yourself and your children who have to endure his dysfunctional controlling behaviour and it will only get worse.
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Tuppance it’s like I’m reading my life when I still lived with my ex. I wish I had a £ for every time he played the victim & conviced me to give him ANOTHER chance. They know us so well, they know exactly what to say to reel us back in. I’m so glad you stood up for your son, I Remeber the time I stood between my daughter & him, he was going to get in her face to scream & shout at her. He said almost the same thing, it’s always us against him, it always has to be my way, I was the control freak, he was being shown up in front of our daughter by me stepping in. That day was the turning point for me, I knew his anger was escalating towards her & if I hadn’t stepped in that day I think he might have hit her. I left 3 weeks later. Later when we had our own place I was sucked in by his promises of change & therapy. I didn’t know anything about the cycle of abuse back then & if I’m honest when we were in the refuge I felt so guilty like I’d throw him under the bus. I gave him another chance, he never went for therapy, he never changed. His control was more covert as we didn’t live with him so it took me a while to realise how bad he was. When they feel you pulling away they will say & do anything to stop you from leaving. Yes it’s perfectly normal the way you are feeling. I still told him I loved him until a week before I left him. I still cared about him, his feelings, how he was going to manage alone etc. I was even worried he might commit suicide!! Guess what…….he’s fine! He’s playing the victim so very well. I’m sure anyone in his life has been told terrible things about me to garner their sympathy. I have moved past that to feeling very angry now. They know exactly what they’re doing, but they have conditioned us for years,to question ourselves. We don’t trust our own gut, and we should. He is playing the victim in the hope you’ll give him one more chance, they all read from the same script. Remeber why you’re leaving, don’t focus on the “nice” guy he’s a fictional character made to make you question yourself, the real him is the nasty abusive person. You & your kids deserve to be happy & free of the constant stress of life with a monster.
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Also the gray rock attitude really does work!!!! I’m not able to go no contact because of our daughter but I won’t engage if he tries to talk about anything else, instead talk about food shopping etc! He probably thinks I’ve lost my mind 😂 But his txts are getting less & less. He’s getting the message. So when you do leave keep it up 💕
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Yes it’s very possible tuppancewell and that’s what makes them so dangerous to us. Their personality types allow them to use whatever means necessary to keep you feeling responsible without a conscience getting in the way. So while we care, and want to be apart from them but need to know they are going to be alright all they care about is you supplying their needs, not that you are ok. When I tried to get away my partner made our lives a living hell and he justified this by saying he wanted us back. He still doesn’t get how awful it is that he didn’t care what it was doing to us. He used the word love….but I love you….what that really meant was I need you to do for me. I would get message after message of self pitying victim statements. Remember one night him sending me a text saying, “a yogurt for my tea again, living the dream. People are worried about me I’m loosing so much weight”. When I recieved this text my son had just had to spend his birthday sleeping in a sofa at my mums because we couldn’t go into the house as his behaviour was so out of control, he was following me, filming me. I had glandular fever, permanent lung damage from the repeated chest infections because of the extreme stress of living with him and he thought that message was totally justified. Not only that, when I’d gone to the house the next day to pick something up while he was out all the dishes were left from the meal he had infact made himself the night before. They have no off switch, they want something they use what they need to to get it. It’s so hard to keep yourself sane though and grounded in reality when you are living with someone who voices the opposite of reality at you constantly. It’s only when u separate yourself can you see it. You have started to do this mentally, the more separate you can be the more you will see. X*x
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http://www.theneurotypical.com/emotional-detachment.html
Interesting reading…….
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It took me a while to get to grips with the fact that they are liars liars liars liars. It’s so hard to accept that someone can look you in the eyes and blatantly and pathalogically lie. They are experts. Every time he engages with you. The first thing you should be thinking is liar. Believe me, all the way to court…… Lies. To family, friends, colleagues…….lies. To police, to his own solicitor….. Lies. It’s just that we would never behave that way. It’s torture to deal with a liar.
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Thankyou everyone and KIP that link is really interesting reading.
This morning is like yesterday never happened. He offered to make me tea, offered to help with jobs, asked about my health, as much as he is nicer to live with like this it does my head in. It’s like it was all in my head. I keep reading all your replies – they give me strength to believe my own judgement that this us all wrong so Thankyou so so much xxxx -
Oh yes the next day it’s all hugs n puppies! My ex was exactly the same, I would be thinking how can you be all sweet & innocent after last night?! They do it to mess with your mind. Stay strong, you’re on your way to freedom 💕
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Hi im new to this site and this is the first chat i connected with…My ex has finally gone now after (detail removed by Moderator) of trying to get him out of my home. At court he actually aproached my victim support worker and told her that she should be there for him not me…you need to drum into your own head like a daily chant that you are not wrong have done nothing to deserve this and deserve better…much love xx
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