He used to hit his former girlfriends as well

[Sad sunflower]

Hello ladies,

I haven’t been able to come to the forum for a while as I have been very busy at work, something that has distracted me from the horrible consequences of the abuse I still have to deal with.

Anyway, a few days ago I found out from one of my ex’s friends that he used to hit his former girlfriends as well. Was I surprised? Yes and no. I remember someone at the forum advised me to try and find out if he had been reported to the police by his ex girlfriends because they were sure I wasn’t the first one to be abused by this man. I didn’t do it as I was so sure I was his first and only victim. I remember one of the last times we talked in person, he told me I was the one that triggered the abuse, that none of his former girlfriends turned him into an abusive man. He swore there was something about me that made him hit me and that he only had had “normal” fights with his former girlfriends, he swore he never ever hit them. And I was stupid enough to believe him and feel so guilty and ashamed.

Now I don’t know how to process this. I am upset that his friend never spoke about this before (detail removed by moderator). As soon as he found out me and my ex broke up he knew it was because he hit me. He knew the abuse was coming and never ever spoke up. That upsets me a lot. At the same time, I feel like I was in ever greater danger than I thought. I mean, if he used to hit his former girlfriends regularly, he was probably going to do the same to me. He even once told me that his ex girlfriend had an abortion because she didn’t love him anymore and didn’t want to bear his child. I felt so sorry for him, but now I am suspecting it all had to do with the abuse, maybe even he hit her so hard that made her miscarriage, I don’t know, I keep having all these crazy thoughts.

Why in the world did he lie to me? Why did he tell me he had never hit anyone before? I feel so betrayed. Deep inside I still believed it was somehow my fault, that I had turned a perfect and nice man into an abusive monster. Now I know he had always been abusive but that doesn’t make me feel any less guilty. His friend also told me he’s been drinking a lot and even though I blocked his number and never ever answer calls from unknown numbers, I have this feeling that he will soon try to contact me or show up outside (detail removed by moderator) or my home. Am I paranoid? Last night I couldn’t sleep imagining he would come to (detail removed by moderator) and trying to figure out ways to escape from him should that happen.

In addition, my boss is on holiday this week and I am in charge of the entire (detail removed by moderator). That is just exhausting! I have to deal with (detail removed by moderator) and I feel like I can’t cope. I am considering sharing my abuse story with human resources so maybe I could receive some support. I feel like I need time for myself, but at the same time I try to fill my schedule with a thousand things to do, I guess in order to avoid dealing with my feelings. I have also been trying to support my best friend through a horrible breakup and I feel like right now everything is too much.

[KIP.]

You can still report the abuse to the police. Especially if there are other victims. His friend has maybe told his exes and it hasn’t gone well. Your abuser would have just made up some story about how it was all lies. And you would probably have believed he was the victim of some injustice. He wanted you to take the blame for his violence so that he didn’t have to take the blame. That’s how abusers get away with heir abuse. They are liars and manipulators. You have every right to feel on edge. Trust your gut. Abusers find it hard to let victims go because they thrive on our pain. Speak to human resource. Look up the disability act. If your mental health affects your daily life that I believe you have the right to extra help and time to process things. I believe it’s better out in the open. As long as they are understanding. Ring the helpline on here first for advice x

[Poodlepower]

My partner told me that his previous girlfriend tricked him into moving to (detail removed by moderator) with her, then when she had him “trapped” she told him she didn’t love him and kept him a virtual prisoner in a tiny attic room. He said he suffered “Stockhome Syndrome”and that once he had to slap her because she was “strangling” him. I just can’t imagine him being her “victim” . He often trapped me in rooms the way he claimed she did to him. He once told me to get in contact with her to ask her what he was like with her. That was odd, as I hadn’t asked about the relationship.
I suspect he was abusive towards her too. He told me she used to try and contact him and get him to speak to her, although I never saw any evidence of that.

I think they “get in quick” with their version of events 1st, just in case we find out what really happened. Plus it makes us feel sorry for them abs makes us think the abuse is our fault.

[Iwon]

You should be so proud of yourself. I knew my exes ex girlfriend years before we got together and she told me he threw her down the stairs fractured her skull and smashed up her phones. I actually thought I so Don t Believe it. I thought (remember this was years before we got together) and said that’s not true. You may have finished the relationship but it’s bad to tell lies about him hitting You! I feel ashamed now and wanted to say sorry one day.

I remember thinking he is dull boring and a gambling addict but he isn’t abusive.

I understand why he didn’t tell you. He knew you loved him and would n’t believe it because you loved him. I think the fact he came out and told you it all as soon as you split up is great.

I look bCkxat his ex and I didn’t believe her and no one believes me about his abuse when we split up. It must be lovely to be validatedx

[Lilo]

I completely understand what your story here because my husband does exactly the same. He keeps on playing victim, saying he was betrayed by his exes, that they were cheating on him, had sex with many guys behind his back, etc etc. And even told me to contact his exes and ask them how good he was when he was not drunk. Just few weeks before we got married and had another big fight i decided to contact his ex and she told me that it is true that he is good when he is not drunk, but problem is he deliberately makes himself drunk most of the time. Of course i didn’t ask whether she cheated on him or not coz it would be improper. But i thought that if i become just a normal loving and faithful wife then all those abuse won’t happen. Because he kept on saying that it will be different when we actually live together, that he went ceazy coz he’s so tortured by the distance between us, etc etc. But now i found out that it is actually much worse when i live together with him, coz i have no family and friends in this country to support or help me when i really need it. It’s just so sad 🙁

[Poodlepower]

I think “normal” people struggle to believe that someone could be so abusive. A man within my community was arrested and jailed for child sexual abuse and the whole community thought he was wrongly imprisoned. His victim was his girlfriends child and he said she lied out of spite. He was even given a “welcome home” party by the community while his poor ex had to leave the area. It was only when he was rearrested for grooming another local child that people accepted his guilt.
I guess when a man seems like a nice guy on the outside people just can’t imagine how horrible the can be in private.

[KIP.]

They are in denial about all their previous relationships. I remember a post on here where the police contacted her because her ex had been arrested for assaulting his current girlfriend and he had given the police her name as a reference for his good behaviour but he had terribly abused her too. They actually believe their reinvented version of events. Scary.

[Lilo]

Yah I think it is a denial because like my husband, he just never take the responsibility that he actually has control whether to get drunk or not. Instead, he chooses to blame me for his choice. I am really struggling to understand this behavior. How can a man who call himself ‘very intelligent, an intellectual, and smart person’ would blame others for the decision he made?? I’m very confused coz I never meet such a messed up person before in my life. Even accusing me of being unfaithful, calling me prostitute, planning to kill him, etc etc when i don’t have a clue where all those thoughts came from. And worse, refuses to accept any explanation from me coz it is impossible that his thoughts are wrong.
Sorry that i pour out my feelings here. I’m just feeling ao ashamed that I can’t even talk about this problem with my closest friends, coz then i will feel like I’m a loser and fail person.

[KIP.]

Google Gaslighting. Abusers leave us feeling confused. Their behaviour is just not rational. They lie and twist everything. There is absolutely no point in arguing with them. When they’re losing an argument they simply change the goal posts. Leaving us even more confused. It’s crazy making behaviour. They also ruin our self confidence and self esteem. That’s why you feel like a failure. But you are certainly not x

[Patti]

I’ve just found out my ex used to beat his ex’s up.all the time I was with him he and his family said his wife left due to affairs…i learnt now he beat her.i left as I caught him with another woman and he strangled me when I said I was leaving.im so angry when I pressed charges he never went to court as no witnesses even though I had finger marks…so angry his family defend him making me feel I’m the bad one

[SunshineAngel]

My ex has told me stories about his exes and I always found them a bit bizarre.
He told me an elaborate story about his ex that she has assaulted him and kept him prisoner for weeks, torturing him.
He told me another story about an ex calling the police over his sending her a couple of text messages.
He told me his other ex aborted his child without telling him.
I felt so bad for him.
Now I’m thinking that this all makes sense because I think that he abused these women.
I don’t know how to feel about the story about his ex abusing him. Did he make it all up? Was it actually the other way around? Did she hurt him trying to defend herself? Was she being abusive to him and made him an abuser because of that? I don’t know what to believe, and I think about it quite a lot.

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