He wants joint custody, but I don’t.

[Anonymous]

I have agreed verbally just to keep the peace while I get my head around it all. Well, not really agreed, but just not said no. He wants joint custody and have them for a week each. Please understand that I have never been a night without my babies unless I have been out and they go to my parents as he wouldn’t even look after them for one night alone while i go to a bday party or something (I have probably asked my parents to have them 10 nights in (detail removed by moderator)years and some of those nights I’ve gone back to theirs as they’re easier to get to from the city because we are further out). Now that we are talking about separating he wants joint custody. Why?? Are you kidding me? Just the other day I asked him to look after the children while I went shopping and he said “no” because they’re hard work. So how can he possibly have them for a whole week (our (age removed by moderator)year old won’t even settle for day naps with him, so how on earth will he cope with bed times). He has no rules or boundaries. He lets then do whatvtheybwabt while he watched TV and plays his mobile games! He never brushes their teeth. He doesn’t wash himself for a week, let alone the kids. I don’t know what to do. Because although he has said he wants this, he has also said any holidays are taken together as a family unit as he doesn’t want either of us missing out on the kids holidays. How can I complain? Him taking them away for three weeks on holidays scare the hell out of me!!

I don’t know. I’m so scared I’m going to lose my children to him as he twists things and has out oldest wrapped around his little finger and vice versa.

Any advice? X

[KIP.]

He is using the kids to control you and this is what abusers do. What you say sounds reasonable to me and I’m sure a court would see your point. Please seek legal advice. Most family solicitors offer initial free advice. Normal couples separate then move on with separate lives. To suggest you should holiday as a family unit is what abusers do to maintain control over you. Are you in touch with your local women’s aid? They will deal with this scenario all the time and will know how to help. My ex always threatened to take my son if I ever left him. It seems they all use the kids. Once you know legally where you stand (don’t tell him what you’re doing), it will put your mind at ease. Dont agree to anything. It just gives him more ammunition. Speak to the helpline on here. He’s just going to bully and threaten to keep control of you X

[SaharaD]

A court is unlikely to recommend joint custody in children under 5. He might have joint parental responsibility but he probably will not be the main residential carer/parent.

I suggest contacting:

Rights of Women: http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

CAFCASS: https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/contact-us.aspx

Coram Childrens Legal Centre:http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/index.php?page=contact_us

Possibly social services who do parenting assessments. However be careful with social services as they will assess both of you. They assess the home, the children (psychologist and social worker reports) and your parenting.

You can explain your concerns in a report/statement to the court.

It’s crucial to get it right now. The short term pain (upset routine, talking to strangers) of having your children assessed will be better managed than the long term pain(years of psychological damage) of letting their father parent them atrociously by getting what he wants.

[Ayanna]

The family court even agrees to joint custody for babies that need breast feeding. They are that inhuman, cruel and merciless.
The only thing to do is to fight.

The judges in the family court side with abusers. Do not have any illusions that they may see what is going on or so …
And social services are blind to child abuse when the abuser manipulates them well enough. Too many children lost their lives due to incompetent professionals. The only way through this is a hard legal battle, not stepping back not even one inch.

[Serenity]

Don’t agree to it. Fight for the majority of contact. He is an abuser who is just trying to get control. You have your kids’ interests at heart. Your role as mother is massively important- don’t let him minimise it and negate it in your mind. He will try to do this: my ex showed my kids much neglect, impatience and and cruelty for years, and yet arrogantly claimed we were going to have 50-50 contact t rights. He also later suggested that I move out and leave him to live with the kids in our house- kids he had no patience for. He will try to make out your role as a mother isn’t as important as it is. This is because he is jealous of the bond with you and your babies.

An added dimension to this which may not have crossed your mind is that, if you had 50/50 contact, he would not have to pay you child maintenance and you’d have less rights in keeping the family home. If he’s money-minded, this could be his scheme. Don’t let him fool you and leave you and your kids penniless or adrift from a secure home. These abusers don’t care, even about their own children- they only care about winning, and seeing you lose and struggle gives them a sick high. If he’s a higher earner than you, he has responsibilities to face up to.

My ex didn’t get his way. The family court a knowledged my importance as a mother. Contact t is 4:1 to me with my youngest, abdcthough my ex tried to cajole my eldest ( who he’d always been cruel to) to live with him, mybekdest never sees him now.

Don’t let his apparent certainty, confidence and arrogance and sense of entitlement scare you and make you fearful that he will have his way. These abusers are over-confident and live in cloud cuckoo land.

[Lisa]

Hi Bambieyes,

Please do phone the helpline and get some advice and support from them. As the brilliant advice here has already suggested, it is likely he is wanting joint custody merely to maintain the power and control over you and he probably only wants to come on holiday with you as he wants to try ensure that you don’t go with anyone else or have too much fun without you. Please speak to the helpline and start moving your life forward in a positive way without him holding you back. You and the children deserve to be happy and free from his control and abuse.

Please keep posting to let us know how you get on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Anonymous]

Thank you all so much for your support and valuable information. I will keep all of this in mind. I am currently looking for a house and got everything I need set up… Just waiting for payments. So I’m determined to do this, yet he’s still holding on… Asking what I want for Xmas yet he’s not bought me an xmas or birthday present for the last (detail removed by moderator) years. All very confusing. But I’m sticking to my guns. I will keep you all updated.

Thank you all so much again!! I really do appreciate your support!!

Xox

[Woodys]

Omg……this is my exact story too. I am trying to do what is best for the children…..he has been so discrete it makes it difficult! I am at the moderation part if this doesn’t work…(detail removed by Moderator)…which is really scary! I moved out of the family home also.. With the children. I have realised since how controlling he has been and how isolated I was and how I was not me! Good luck…hang in there and keep going.

[Anonymous]

Oh, wow, Woodys. How are you getting on? Hope you’re all ok and everything is going well. Good luck!! Keep going too!! Xx

[Author]

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