He wants nightly access

[browneyedgirl]

I have just asked husband to leave. He is upstairs saying goodnight to the kids and reading them a story. He has rung (detail removed by moderator) and will pack his bags when youngest 2 settled. It took over an hour to convince him he had to leave. He only relented when I was on hold to (detail removed by moderator).

He wants access each night to get to his paperwork as he says he has a (detail removed by moderator) to do. He is more worried about that than the kids. He tried every which way to convince me to let him stay from sleeping on sofa to just sleeping at his Mum’s and having meals and doing his paperwork at the house.

I now need to ring my Mother and destroy our plans for tomorrow. She said a few days ago I eed to try harder at our marriage, accept his faults including when he loses his temper and shouts at me or kids and worse still (like this morning) hit our son who had Aspergers.

Hope he now goes without a fuss. What next?

[KIP.]

Enough is enough. Don’t be scared to call the police. You must log the assault on your son. At least tell your GP. I hope he goes quietly but he will use any excuse to keep coming back. Ring the helpline or contact your local women’s aid. You have every right to feel safe in your own home❤️

[lover of no contact]

How can a parent think its ok for another person (your husband) to lose their temper and shout and scream at their child (You).

And how can a grandparent think its ok for a grown man to hit their grandchild?

What your mum is saying to you is wrong. She is siding with the abuser.

[Serenity]

Brown-Eyed Girl,

He is using the access to paperwork thing as a means to continue to be there and control you.

He might be putting on the efficious act of caring greatly about this paperwork, over and above the children etc, but what he cares about most of all is continued contact and control of you.

If he sees you at a certain point each day, he can keep tabs on you. He can control the situation. He can check what you’re up to, use fear tactics to try to weaken you if you end up doing something he doesn’t like ( such as filing for divorce, etc ); he can play friendly to keep you sweet. He can just simply enjoy playing with your mind and feelings if he has contact with you!

My ex did the same. He was cruel and unkind,made me sick with fear and nerves. He tried the excuse of needing to come back for a shower to have continued access to me ; he told me he would come back and check on the new boiler once a month, to keep it working efficiently…all this whilst trying to fleece me and siphon off money, and after making my children and I feel less than human because of years of control and abuse. Complete gall, nerve and entitlement. And now I can see, transparent motives.

At the time his apparent clinical attitude made me feel stunned and worthless. How could he operate so coldly, etc? But now I can see it for what it was. These abusers don’t allow themselves normal emotions. They deal with things by becoming clinical and using other ta tics to mould and control your actions, and to keep you mentally and emotionally affected by them.

He has no need to come to the house. He can take all his paperwork with him. He can redirect his mail. He has controlled you for too long: dint allow him to continue to call the shots. You want him out. Well, that means out. That doesn’t mean a daily reappearance. Any contact with the kids ( if that’s what you want ) can be agreed and can take place outside the home.

As for your mother, your mother seems to affect you as mine has done. Domineering and opinionated women,mono don’t hold back in giving their opinion, even when it isn’t wanted. Never putting your experience at the heart of the matter.

I have recently managed to stand up to my mum and sister, after years if their judgements and control. My mum had acquiesced, and is trying harder, but my duster doesn’t accept that she is anything less than perfect ( she is like this generally ) and I can’t change that.

You can’t change others or their opinions. You can only live according to your Own truth. These controlling parents make you feel like a frightened child who needs their permissiin or approval for anything you do. My counsellor made me see this. But in fact, you are your own person with your own set of truths, ideas and values, and you have a right to live your life in freedom according to these truths, without being judged or without family members trying to dictate to you what you should do, or trying to encourage you to stay in an abusive situation. Your mother might want to still have that power and control over you that she ad when you were growing up, but unfortunately for her you are now an adult and can make your own choices, without being made to feel bad about it. She needs to realise this, as mine needs to!

[newlife2015]

No contact is the only way forward in ny opinion (although I didn’t see this at the time) – my ex used the children to see me daily after I moved out and that resulted in his arrest ultimately as they use the contact to continue the abuse and their control. Keep strong x

[betterdays]

Hi browneyed girl I used to have my ex leaving his outdoor dogs in my garden so he could keep tabs on me took me 2 years to get them out. It’s all part of the plan. I too have 3 autistic sons youngest who’s to the ex has aspergers well his dad used to swear at him scare him and once had a fist fight with him it’s not healthy being around them. X

[Author]

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