He went through my phone

[Stuck here]

He went through my phone (detail removed by moderator), burst in on my while I was in the shower screaming at my to pack my bags and leave.

You’d think maybe he’d found evidence of me cheating or something? Nope, had been having a rant to a friend, made plans to see a friend and one other minor thing. There’s no trust apparently, how could he ever trust me again. I’m a liar, I’m never doing what I say I am and I sneak around. I do this because if I make plans with a friend it’s not just “oh that’s nice” it’s a full scale interrogation. It’s easier to just not mention it.

He always wants to know my plans for days off work and needs to know where I am and what I’m doing.

He says how can he trust me now that’s he’s found all this on my phone.

A friend I told about this said he’s projecting and checking my phone for evidenxe if cheating and accusing me of it because it’s probably what he’s doing.

I’m torn between apologising for making plans behind his back and sharing stuff with a friend but also feeling so violated that he’s done this.

[Catjam]

Hi, I had this all the time so one day I turned off all notifications and put a passcode on my phone. It was the start of my finding the strength to leave. I knew I had done nothing wrong but was constantly having to justify myself and explain tiny details on my phone.
He went mad because of this change, telling me I must be hiding something so I just used to say very calmly that going through my phone was an invasion of my privacy. He then started hiding his phone. But anytime I got a message he still needed to ask who it was, what they wanted. His phone would ping like mad and I would never ask him.
You don’t have to explain or justify anything because they claim to never believe you anyway.
I appreciate it takes a lot to do this, I was terrified the first time he realised he could no longer get into my phone. I made the code something he could never guess too. Even then I used to still put it on silent so I didn’t have to explain who was texting.
Take care xx

[Living Warrior]

I had this too, had issues where he would grab me by my hair and shout and yell because i had made plans to take my son  (detail removed by moderator), while he was at work.

these “men” and i use this term loosely. They get off on the “Power” the perceive they have, they basically live by the “old” rules of the women cooks, cleans, has children and thats our lives! They have not changed with the times where we have the same rights as them, so they use every ounce of their being to try and take it from us in private.

I would be careful, never do anything that could “set him off” as it is not safe to do so while you are still living together. You shouldnt have to explain and justify what you are doing, but be wary, this continues to happen he may start to think he is losing the grip on you, and then things excalate when they panic.

I have experience of this, and have heard many stories of the same instance, we think we are asserting our power and this will help.. yet this just maddens them more and things get worse. I learnt this on the power to change programme by womens aid, Never assert yourself to an abuser- this is dangerous.

I hope you find the strength, and courage, and you stay safe.
get in touch with your local womens aid and support services. They can help make a safety plan for you while you are still living together, they will also help if you decide to leave.
good luck and safe journey

[ISOPeace]

This post reminded me of the times my ex would hide my phone as punishment…. it was only (detail removed by moderator) ago, how did I forget?! I guess it shows how we block things out to cope.

Anyway, I agree with Living Warrior that standing up to an abuser can be very dangerous, because they see it as a sign they’re losing control. I also agree with Catjam that it does help you find strength. It’s a really horrible dilemma. In my experience, distancing/being less compliant made me feel a lot stronger, but it did also result in the abuse escalating. My ex wasn’t physically violent and I was confident that the risk of violence was very low for various reasons. But he did things like use my anxiety triggers as threats and punishments, so I did often back down when I felt like I wasn’t strong enough for the punishment. I would say that only you can decide whether it’s safe enough to stand up to him. It’s totally ok if you don’t think you can. I’m sure it’s not the only way to gain strength.

Your friend could be right about his projecting. But also, accusing you of cheating could just be another way of making you feel attacked and needing to defend yourself. This keeps you on guard, worried and guessing so you stay “in your place”. What he’s doing is a terrible violation of your boundaries. He’s trying to make you think he’s in control of everything, so there’s no point putting up a fight.

Abusers constantly force us into corners, where any way out seems impossible/unthinkable. You have done nothing wrong and there is nothing to apologise for. But it you want to apologise to make your life easier, that’s ok. Normal relationship advice doesn’t help when there’s abuse. It’s not a case of ‘if you let him get away with it this time he’ll do it again’ because he will do it again anyway. You can’t stop an abuser being abusive so it’s far better to use your energy looking after you. Sending love xxxx

[Living Warrior]

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php check this out, it gives an explanation about “rules of the game” and what happens when they think their tactics are not working.

use caution though as it may be triggering or upsetting 🙂 but it helped me, when i was struggling with similar situations and feelings

[Author]

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