Heart breaking

[Hop1]

Several months ago I finally admitted to myself that I was in an abusive relationship. After support via women’s aid chat I confided in my family. I had a small baby and we moved in with my brother for a short while and while I was there my husband agreed to do everything he could to change and make things right. So I moved home. Fast-forward to today and nothing has really changed. Things did get better at first, but gradually have been getting bad again. It’s not as bad as it was, but I have decided that I’m not prepared to stay in this relationship. My baby and I deserve better. So I plan to leave soon. I have a date and I have a friend who is helping me. The thing is, I do love my husband very much. And he keeps hugging me and telling me he loves me. And he keeps talking about our future and how excited he is for what we have planned. I feel like such a bad person that I’m about to turn our lives upside down. I’m about to break his heart. My heart is already broken. I’m really finding it hard to keep it together while I wait for the moment to come. He’s not actually a bad person, he needs to do a lot of work on himself. I do, too. Don’t we all. The abuse is low level controlling behaviour and gas lighting. Some physical aggression, but not since I moved out temporarily. I think I’m doing the right thing. But it really hurts my heart.

[minimeerkat]

this can be such a painful & confusing experience so i do hope you still have the support of your local da service – its so good that your family are there for you
and there is always counselling to consider in the future if you feel it will help at all
as you are sadly discovering, they can convince you they will change especially if you wish to end the relationship & because you love them you naturally give them more chances. but if there are any changes they dont seem to last which is a reality that can be very difficult to accept
i think we can all say that perhaps there were wonderful sides to our partners making us feel loved, safe & secure, but when any abusive behaviour surfaces it causes such fear & confusion
somehow we always feel the guilty party when the truth is any guilt belongs to an abusive partner
if & when you move out to keep both you & your baby safe it sends a very strong message that you will not tolerate being treated badly
you say your husband still has to do a lot of work on himself, well if he loves his family & is determined to become a better person he will get all the help & support he needs to be able to do this – even if you are not living alongside one another
sending a big hug & try to stay strong x

[DesperateHousewife101]

Gosh I know, it’s so tough. I am very much at the beginning stages of recognising the abuse in my relationship and have had a hard time because it is so at odds with the other side of my husband who is loving and giving. I feel awful just considering him an abuser when I think of all the good stuff. I don’t know where and how I’m going from here but the thought of getting back to myself is helpful. I just don’t think I’ll get there if my husband has anything to do with it, as sad as it makes me to say that.
Sending you love and strength.

[Bananaboat]

We can suffer from FOG – fear, obligation and guilt when deciding to leave. Throw in the cognitive dissonance and your brain going ‘it’s not so bad, he’s just tired, he loves you you can work this out’ , a dash of addiction to the chemicals released during the highs & lows and boy it’s not wonder you feel like this. Any break up is hard with doubts about ‘us this the right thing’ but with all this extra stuff on top you have to be kind to yourself. Focus on what you’d like to feel when you come home (no eggshells or fear), how you’d like your birthday or Christmas to feel like and it helps x

[Hop1]

Thank you for this. It’s really helpful. (and all the replies) I appreciate it.

I’m really struggling again today. He keeps telling me I’m the best thing to ever happen to him and keeps talking about our plans. And I cried into a pillow until I fell asleep last night. I’m so torn between my heart and my head. I know this is the right decision. But then it hurts so much it’s making me question it.

[Bananaboat]

Sending you a big hug, it’s a really confusing time. They also have a sixth sense for when to lay on the good stuff and keep us confused. Another thing that helped me was rereading old texts especially ones when arguing and I spotted I got the same apology, same promises every time, almost like a script of him saying what I wanted to hear. They rarely mean what they say or follow through (maybe short term) on anything they say they’ll change. Like my ex would say he’d cut down drinking/drugs/mates but it would last a week or two at best and got shorter over time. Remind yourself of the promises he’s made about the future too – they have a trick called ‘future faking’ where they promise to marry you, go to your favourite place abroad, book a day out with you & the kids, retire and we’ll do x/y/z – that kind of thing but again none of these things actually happen. This is why you have to look at actions not words but it’s really hard to do and can hurt xx

 

also be selfish – you might be the best thing for him but is he the best thing for you. Are you happy? A wise person on here said to me once in ‘normal relationships’ one or the other party might decide it’s over and that hurts, the other party might try to convince them to stay but will ultimately accept your decision. In abusive relationships you lose that choice and you feel like you can’t leave or have to stay to keep them happy. Again as people pleasers it can be really hard for us to say or even know what we want but your partner should be willing to listen and compromise but that’s never really there in our relationships

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