Hello everyone, my story in a nutshell

[danicali]

Hello everyone. I’m new on here, but not new to domestic abuse and what it does to people.

I left my ex husband in (year removed by moderator). We have one child, now aged (detail removed by moderator). Initially I had primary custody of our son. My ex managed to have primary shifted to himself (detail relating to court removed by moderator) son was made to live more with my ex – something my son never wanted but neither of us were listened to (detail relating to court removed by moderator)

(detail relating to court removed by moderator).

My ex has made me temporarily homeless (I now live in a social housing flat) by having played the system the “right” way, he has gotten away with putting me through endless forms of harassment and grief, financial hardship, he’s gotten away with telling malicious lies about me (detail removed by moderator), some of them even believed what he said without evidence, he’s made daily life purposely difficult for me on every level possible as a “normal” way of existing, I am never able to plan anything in advance, etc… 🙁

I tried for years to report all of the abuse, harassment, bullying, and at times stalking. But authorities have always said it was ever “enough” for them to do anything about. His long term partner has also assisted him with everything from day one.

I felt as though my ex has worked to try to break me or even kill me, and he very nearly did. But I am still here, touch wood, although it’s not been a happy existence apart from precious days with my son.

I now see my son only part time, it’s been incredibly painful and it’s had a huge impact on me both emotionally and physically, and also my son as well. I am shut out of so much by my ex, who has taken over everything acting as though I am not even a parent. Third parties don’t do a lot to ensure I am included, either, which of course is a form of enabling…

I’ve recently been diagnosed with (detail removed by moderator)and I’ve been pretty poorly lately because of it, and I suspect this is the result from years of extreme distress caused by everything my ex put us through and the grief of not having my son with me full time and the manner by which he was taken from my primary care (maliciously). I remember many women from my support groups had chronic health conditions and they all said they felt it was down to years of abuse from their ex partners…

Advice from people over the years was “don’t let him get to you”, and well I tried, I really tried, but I failed. I let him get to me. Now I’ve got this disease.

I’ve been to two Freedom Programmes, both of which I found very helpful, so I know a lot about abuse and what women go through when they “leave” an abusive man (leave in quotes as you never really get away least as long as you have children with them), I know how the system further hurts women by disbelieving them or treating them with utter contempt (detail removed by moderator).

Essentially, the entire system allowed for this to happen, and I don’t even know where to address that. An abusive man only gets away with what the system allows him to get away with. So what does that say about where we are as a society. It pains me greatly that so many other women go through very similar. This is truly a sort of evil pandemic 🙁

I would have liked to know less about abuse, but of course you become quite knowledgable by having lived it, don’t you…

Happy to offer support or friendship to anyone on here. x

[Serenity]

Hi Danicali,

I’ve been through some of what you have. When I read your post, it yet again confirmed that I am not going mad: your ex’s tactics are identical to my ex’s.

My youngest son is the same age as yours, and has been ordered by the court to have contact with his dad, whereas my eldest was given a choice, and barely sees his dad ( last time he did, his dad was physically threatening to him).

Every day my heart is in my mouth because I feel so worried for my youngest. My ex played the court and CAFCASS perfectly, convincing them that he was a good father ( this is a man who had wished his kids dead). Luckily, he wasn’t able to convince the court that I was unstable. But my ex’s mask had started to drop: he’s now showing irritation and emotional cruelty towards my son. I’m feeling with it carefully the best way I can.

Like you, I know that my son has a few years before legally, he can’t be forced to see his dad. I’m terrified of the damage that could be done to him during that time. My ex had already ‘chucked my son out’ one weekend, and my son was grey with anxiety and tearful for hours. Yet so know that my ex is such a good actor, of I go back to court without reel hard evidence or my son’s courageous decision to speak out, I could be at risk of losing my son due to apparent parental alienation.

How I am coping is to take one day at a time. To get all the expert and professional advice I can to feel with each hurdle as it arises.

From the people I have met since seeking help, a few stand out as real beacons of support and wisdom. I think if them as my support tribe, my council of people to help get me through. This includes women from this forum, a previous DV support worker who I meet for coffee once in a while and who I can call on, the NSPCC and Family Lives helplines, women I’ve met through Dv support groups, etc.

My ex is already starting to deliver my son home early, and hopefully this is because I’ve gone totally no contact and grey rock and I am not reacting to anything he does ( save get advice from elsewhere) and so he’s getting bored: it’s not a game anymore.

I’m happy to be a support to you, since our son’s are the same age and in similar positions, and to exchange advice and resources. All the women here are lovely and have so much insight, and you won’t ever have to feel alone.

We can do this. We can get our poor kids through it. We need to counteract our abuser’s selfish abuse by flooding our kids with love and security. Love can win in the end, but it needs confidence. We need to force ourselves to believe in the huge power of our love, as it were, for it to manifest in reality.

Abs make sure you get support for yourself and take very great care of yourself too x

[danicali]

Hello… thank you for your reply and sharing your story. it says a lot that your ex is dropping your son back early since you aren’t taking the bait anymore. Mine is so psychotic that it doesn’t matter how many times he “wins”, he never, ever, stops – even though my son says he’s ignored when he’s at his dad’s, my ex would NEVER even let my son see me a MINUTE before (detail removed by moderator), and often, he’s a few minutes late (never enough to get authorities involved, mind). Not ONCE has he ever let him come to me early, nor has he ever allowed me to have an extra hour or day with my son. So, we stop asking. We’ve both given up, for now, biding our time until my son is old enough to break away.

You say you are worried about the damage he can cause your son. Don’t worry too much. I say this because four years ago I had the same worries but my son is still the lovely boy I raised he is NOT his father in any way shape or form so keep the faith your ex may try it on, but these kids tend to grow up fast and they are resilient and they are smart, and the older they get the more they know the score. That is one thing that gets me through each day.

My ex took everything, apart from one thing. The bond between me and my son. He tried so hard to break this. He failed. Miserably.

And finally, re the parental alienation concern, again I know it’s easy to say but I wouldn’t worry too much, (detail removed by moderator)

(detail removed by moderator), my ex tried to bring our son to a private psychologist, that he funded entirely and he was the sole referee. This group was initially fooled by my ex and so shut me out of giving permission for the sessions (I can only guess what my ex told them, the usual nonsense I imagine), anyway, my son would tell me about these sessions, they were trying to perpetuate the same lies my ex had told them, to my son, and my son was just like “i don’t think so, you idiot” and had none of it. They eventually wrote a report, but it ended up being rather not flattering to my ex – and I know that his initial goal with this was to try to use this to cut out all contact arguing “alienation” and other nonsense – but it failed.

So, have some faith. In your son. Your ex might get away with loads, but when it’s down to your kid, well, the truth tends to come out… x

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi danicali and welcome. Thank you for sharing about your experience. It must be heartbreaking to have lost so much time with your son but I think you’re amazing to have stayed so strong and to kept such a positive bond going. My children have had a period where they were with my ex 50% of the time and it was very damaging, I was very lucky (detail removed by moderator) in the end, I might add that was only because it was what he wanted as he’d never wanted to be bothered with looking after them in the first place and was only dragging us all through court just to abuse us. The social worker and court would have given him whatever he wanted. (detail removed by moderator) Mine do still have contact with him though and it’s still damaging albeit to a lesser degree. My eldest is pretty wise to it all and goes less but my youngest is quite vulnerable and it affects his self-esteem a lot. I found it so heartening to hear how well your son has come through so many years of this and is still a lovely boy. You’re right, they are smart. Our ex’s will lose out on the end just by being themselves. And we will keep our children’s respect by being ourselves. I hope your health improves as every day your son grows older and your ex gets further away. Thank you xx

[Ayanna]

Thank you for sharing your story, Danicali.
You are exceptionally brave.
As soon as your son is old enough to decide where he wants to live, let him complain to the Prime Minister that he was abused by the courts and social services.
It is important that affected children also raise their voices.
Women and children are treated awfully and the more of us make ourselves heard the better.

Be very kind to yourself. Many of us end up with chronic health conditions from the stress we have to suffer.
The brain is in overdrive and responds with pain.
Abused women cost the system a huge amount of money, yet nobody is interested to support us better.
Everything is focused on the abusive men and how to make their lives nicer.
That is patriarchy. We are all victims of patriarchy.

[Nova]

Hi Danicali,
Just to say welcome, and we will all be here for you
..there’s lots of supportive ladies and we all share our experiences together, it’s real help!

I’m really saddened by your post, and can hear that you’ve got a tremendous bond with your boy, that will never be broken. That’s priceless.

Cx

[Author]

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