Hello I’m new and really need some advice, is this abuse?

[Confusedgirl]

Hi guys..
I’ve been married to my husband for (detail removed by moderator) and we have only been together (detail removed by moderator) years.
I have 2 sons, he has a daughter and we have a son together.
His ex has massive mental health issues and she has had her daughter taken off her in (detail removed by moderator) due to emotional and physical abuse, she is living with us and social workers are on involved.

Our marriage has gone from good to bad since we got married, we argue ALOT and I’m ashamed say we had some physical fights, he grabbed my face really hard and I kicked him to get off, he kicked me back. He screams in my face when we argue, and he says things like –

Your a f****** s***
Your a c***
Your ugly and the only good thing about you is your body
Your mentally Ill
Your a ice queen
Your heads gone
I disrespect him because of the clothes I wear

(detail removed by moderator) weeks ago we had a huge arguement and the kids were there (I’m so ashamed of that) he pushed me, I slapped him, he was shouting my kids were lil f’ers, I shouted back he only cared about his daughter (this is true tho)
I called the police and me and the boys went to a refuge for (detail removed by moderator) days and I went home as he was full of sorry. Social services rang and said it was fine as if was a one off and just not to let if happen again. Then Friday my health visitor came and said she wasn’t happy, she talked about safeguarding my boys, and said she would be speaking to social services 🙁 i explained to her they knew all about it and were understanding as we have been under a lot of stress due to his daughter being taken off her mum..

I’m petrified I will lose my boys? The police have never ever been called before and they were ahoy when they arrived that all was ok as I was just Leaving.. Can anybody help me with that?

Also is the above abuse? I’m
So confused. He’s says it’s all my fault, I have caused a few arguements by saying I’m unhappy and then he resorts to the name calling..

(detail removed by moderator) days ago we argued and I told him not to come into bed thinking he could just have sex and it will all be ok (he always does that) and he shouted
“It’s ok because will just f’ing rape you”
I didn’t hear off him the next day, no apology for saying it, said he didn’t mean it and it was my fault because I pushed him to say it..

I’m so confused 🙁 xxxx

[Falling Skys]

Hi confusedgirl

Welcome to the group and hugs xx

You are being abused in so many levels it’s not surprising your confused.

I can’t write all I like to because of I’m working at the moment.

You need to contact woman aid and talk.

We have all fought back when provoked. Don’t blame yourself it’s him.

I’m sure that you get some wonderful advice from the other ladies. But I will pop on later when safe, I just want you to know we care. Above all keep posting

FS xx

[SilkyHalide]

Hugs
Please phone the helpline they will help you make some sense out of this.
You don’t deserve this. This is abuse.

[Confusedgirl]

Thankyou so much for replying 🙂 it means the world to me.
I’m seeing a counsellor and he states I’m in a abusive marriage and my husband is co dependant on me and it’s not real love.
He is otherwise almost infatuated with me, constant texts declaring his love, our love, soul mate quotes etc. If I’m in a bad mood he says I don’t love him etc 🙁
It’s only when we argue that it ends up getting nasty and the abuse starts..
I’m not this person, the person who hits, who says mean things. My counsellor says he’s dragging me into his bad energies and I’m mirroring him.
I know I’m to blame sometimes, causing arguments over nothing, it’s just I feel so miserable and like I can’t stand to be around him.
His ex says he’s a control freak and they both have a toxic and abusive relationship, social services said if they were still together his daughter would of been put in care..
I can see now how they worked, they are both as bad as each other.
What he was like with her is now what he’s like with me (tho not as extreme,yet)

I’m so worried about my children getting removed off me, even tho it’s been the 1st ever incident that the Health visitor knows about 🙁

I just don’t know what to so anymore.. He’s says he will get help for his temper and anger but I don’t know if it’s to late now x*x

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

It is abuse please call womens aid and ask for support and guidance, dont worry if social services get involved they are there to protect u and make sure he doesnt hurt u,u dont want to be with some one like this so if s service encourage u to leave it is a good thing to protect u all, they always apologize after we leave but then are back to tricks when we go back, be strong and get guidance to get out again

[Ayanna]

Can you go back to the refuge or arrange to live somewhere else? He is definitely not the right person for you and your children. The health visitor is right and I think you should ask for help to get away from him. Maybe he can be removed from the home permanently and live somewhere else? The children should not grow up in such a situation. That is very damaging for them.
Call woman’s aid as already suggested and also speak to the health visitor to help you and the children. Social services will only consider taking the children when they see you do not change anything for the better. The goal is to keep the children with the mother. Please do what is right and stay safe. xx

[Confusedgirl]

If pushed I think he would leave the house with his daughter, and look to rent somewhere else..

He’s begging to make it work (I’ve asked him for space) that he will get counselling and he will prove himself to me.

I’m devastated 😢 I love this man with all my heart, the last (detail removed by moderator) months I don’t know what’s happened to us. Or how we got to this. Looking back he has always been a bit controlling and needy but nothing at all that would make me think this would happen.

I agree completely it’s unhealthy for the children to be around this, or even when they are in bed, and we think they don’t hear they probably do 😢

Part of me wants to believe it’s a bad patch, it’s a blip in our marriage but then my hearts telling me why would a man that apparently worships you threaten you with rape? 😢

I feel so down about it all, If he moves out I think it will give me Clarity..

Do they ever change? Can this really just be a bad patch? X*x

[Falling Skys]

Hi

Mine promise to change, undying love, he nothing without me he would say. In reality I have be raped, locked in, controlled ridiculed, he has turned the children against me. I gave him over three decades to change and sad to say the only thing that changed way different ways to abuse me.

I love him, but I don’t think they know the true meaning of love.

Can they change I don’t think so.

Good luck and stay safe.

FS xx

[Ayanna]

How can any of you love someone that hurts you?

[Starmoon]

I’d be really concerned about the situation with his ex. Have you been able to speak with her.. Would she openly talk to you without it causing trouble?
I’m making huge assumptions but was she really that mentally unstable when they met and decided to have a child together?
I’m with the mental health team myself and show traits of border line personality disorder… This is all as a result of years of being with an abusive man. Before I met him I was totally stable. A single mum to my beautiful daughter, self employed with my own business, a good social life. Now I’m almost scared to leave the house threw fear of upsetting people or getting it wrong. I’m slowly learning with help that I’m normal and it is him who’s not. What you have said is abuse- even if you do start arguments…. Even if you started them all (which you don’t) he’s still responsible for how he reacts to it. Violence is never acceptable!
He sounds very similar to my perp. And I can relate to you too.

[Serenity]

Ayanna,

We have stayed with men who abuse us and think we love them because of traumatic bonding. Plus they dismantle our confidence and self-belief so that we are brainwashed into thinking that the problems are our fault, that we should try harder and that that we can’t exist without them, as they make us feel we owe everything to them and that we can’t survive alone.

It is only when we teach that lightbulb moment that we realise we need to get out and realise it’s not our fault, but the questions and the self-blame don’t go away overnight xxxx

[Serenity]

Confused girl,

The abuse and the projection of blame onto you by your abuser sounds dreadful, and it will ruin your health and wellbeing being anywhere near this man.

I am glad you are getting help from a counsellor. I think the more help, advice and support you get, the better it will be for you but it will also look very good for you, that you have been proactive in extracting yourself from this situation and tried to get back on your feet. It will show you are resourceful and determined to overcome all of this, and will look very good in yet,s of your being assessed as a good Vader for your children. As the other ladies say, don’t worry, many have reacted against abuse, but he is the actual perpetrator, you reacting to it. You have been through so much, and I admire you for sounding so strong despite suffering dreadful abuse and put-downs. Keep strong X

[Serenity]

PS unfortunately, they don’t change. They may be nice for a short while, but it is a repeated cycle that worsens over time.

I know it is heart-wrenching. I know you wish it could be different. I have been there. The problem isn’t you- he will be like this with anyone he is with, it is the only way he can operate.

Apparently, barely any abusers change- like 0.1%- and this is after many years of intensive psychotherapy.

[Serenity]

Typing errors!

Sorry Confused girl- I meant it will look good in terms of you being assessed as a good carer for your children.

[Confusedgirl]

Thanks starmoon 😊

I have met his ex, the woman has hounded me since we met, she’s called me and my children awful names, tried To get me sacked from my job, if I see her out an about she will ring social services (because her daughters under them) and make up complete lies 😢 she’s been diagnosed with bipolar and multiple personality disorder, but to me she seems a massive n********t, the woman is literally insane and extremely dangerous… BUT I can only imagine how they were together, they used to fight and then make up, split up, nag each other to get back and the whole process would start over again..
I’m not allowed anywhere near her, the police have advised me against it because of what she’s been doing.. I don’t understand why he was with her in the 1st place but I think in reality they were made for each other, they both seem to love the toxic environment..

He’s full of apologises 😢 he left but then last night said he would have to sleep in his van after a night shift as he has nowhere to go, I felt terrible so he’s sleeping in his daughters bed (he’s still there now)
I’ve told him I want space and some time alone but he says he has nowhere to go 😢
He’s constantly ringing in tears, texting me saying he’s been a idiot etc.. But my hearts been ripped out and I can’t look at him the same anymore, I don’t want him here, but I don’t want him and his daughter on the streets either, it’s so difficult 😢 xxxxx

[Author]

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