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Some time ago I met a man of my life. I fell in love so badly that I decided to finish my marriage which at the time was in a very bad state even if I had a child with me ex husband. The new man was so excited, wild and I felt he understands me more than anybody else in this world. He promised me a lot, he kept saying I’m the most important person in his life, his whole world. He also got on well with my child so I thought that’s the one! He moved with me less than (detail removed by moderator) after we met. Our beginning was beautiful. We were so happy, so much in love. He was very helpful and charming. After a month of living together he started to drink heavily. He mentioned before that he had some alcohol problems in the past but it’s over. Also he mentioned he was addicted to drugs for few years but I wasn’t bothered by that at all. It wasn’t a problem for me that he didn’t work and was on benefits. I thought well it’s ok, money are not the most important things in our lives. We have each other, we love each other and this is the most important thing! Things started to be bad after he was drinking for few days in a row. He became depressed and extremely edgy. I didn’t know how to approach him. I remember that time he started to be aggressive towards my child. There were situations when he slapped it in the head or shake violently. She was extremely scared but at the same time she loved him more than her own father. One morning we had a bad argument, he was angry, shouting very loud. I was scared so much and I stand up for my child. He pushed me hard to the cupboard doors in front of her. She war terrified. later on we were in the car and he was screaming and driving very fast. When he stopped the car he went to talk to my child, he was threatening her, I saw fear in her eyes. Such situations happened many times. Drinking, depression, screaming , anger, pushing etc. But I still believed in him, in us. I loved him so much! And I felt he loved me. When he was angry he used to name me really badly. I felt like a piece of sh….t!!! I was pretending in front of my parents everything was ok but it wasn’t. I felt tense when we have been together. Especially when he was drunk. I remember Christmas time …I wanted to be special time for us. He damaged everything, drinking everyday, lying depressed in a bad, being aggressive toward us. it was a nightmare. I told him to move out few times…and few times I asked him to come back. Why I was coming back to him? I don’t really understand that!
Eventually I moved in with him. We were happy at the beginning. We had our small life, everything was perfect. My daughter left for some holidays to her grandparents so we could spend time only 2 of us.
After some time things started to be very bad. Drinking, drugs, depression, anger … again and again. I was so fed up with his behaviour, so tired. And he wasn’t working still. I was waking up very early in the morning and he didn’t respect that by sitting long hours, watching videos and being very loud in the night. As a result I was extremely tired everyday.
One day I came back home after work. We were planning to do things together but I found him lying in a bed. I smell alcohol and he didn’t want to get up. I wanted to make him suffer just as I was suffering during nights. I played loud music, I started to clap my hands to wake him up, I pulled his leg and then I got so angry so I named him. I also said that I won’t be living like that and I have enough. he suddenly stood up and started to beat me up…he was hitting my face, I fell on the floor, he was pushing his hand to my face so that I couldn’t breathe, he was pulling my hair or I should say he was dragging me by my hair across the room so that I was not able to run away, he then was choking me while I was standing, at the end he pushed me so badly I fell on the floor again and then he punched my head few times when the last time was very very hard. I could hear ‘bang’ and I thought I’m gonna die! Basically I thought I will day and leave my daughter alone! I saw devil in his eyes. I will never forget this! I was able to run away without my shoes on. I run to the neighbours and I called the police. They took him and put into custody. After that I took my stuff and moved out to my friend. I was in pieces. Plus physically I was so much in pain, my head was so much in pain.
Next days were a nightmare. he was calling me, screaming, crying, begging for forgiveness and so on. He even said he will kill himself. Somebody called the ambulance, I was there as well but the police didn.t let me to see him. I could hear he was telling bad things about me to police, naming me etc. We saw each other several times after all this happened. Every time he was manipulating me, he said I attacked him, I provoked him etc. Before me he hit 3 of his girlfriends…
I was so naïve.
It’s been few months since this happened and I feel I’m in pieces still. Some part of me still misses him and loves him but I will never ever get back to him in my life.
I’m very happy I found this forum because it helps me to understand it was not my fault.
I keep asking myself how is it possible a man who you felt loves you so much ine day can turn in such monster…..??? It hurts so much… -
Hey there. Welcome to the forum. Your story is so familiar to lots on here. There is a helpline number on here which is great. Recovery is a rollercoaster ride but you were great before him and you will be great again. I hope you are in touch with your local women’s aid? I’m glad you realise that none his behaviour is your fault. Abusers use blame and guilt to try to control us. There was a ‘red mist’ that came over my ex when he assaulted me. I knew by the look in his eyes that he just didn’t care about the consequences of his actions. No contact and time are the best remedy. Be kind to yourself in the meantime as you’ve been through a terrible trauma x
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KIP. thank you so much! Actually I just realised not long ago that I do need some help. I thought I can help myself by being occupied all the time but it doesn’t help. There are times when I just cry a lot.
I have a friend who knows everything so when I feel I’m weaker I just call him.
And yes, my abuser saw everything in red when he attacked me. This is what he said. Plus he felt pressurised by me and too much responsibilities…
When I talked to him after this happened he said he didn’t hit me and punch me…he said he just shaked me and pull my hair but I remember everything clearly!!! These memories are haunting me, everything is so vivid… -
Hi sensitive,
What a terrible experience you had with this man, I am so glad you are now free and safe and the police recognised what was going on. My ex also used to downplay and lie about his abuse, it’s a very common tactic they use to get you to question your perception of things (gaslighting).
There are some great books such as ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft and ‘Living with the dominator’ which might help you make more sense of everything.
Well done for being strong and brave and seeking help and welcome to the forum. 🙂
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SunshineRainflower thank you so much!!!
It was very tough experience being with him but I was blind by love.
There was much more alarming situations befire actual beat up took place, when I was scared of him, of the way he looked at me…
I just can’t believe I let this guy tur my life upside down!!!! -
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I haven’t received any counselling yet, still on a waiting list… I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and because of that I’m on medications. I started taking them during this relationship because I got pregnant and we both decided to terminate the pregnancy. This had a terrible impact on my mental health.
I think if not my meds I would be completely devastated by now. They keep me alive, help me to carry on, go to work etc. -
I had the same experience with my ex in terms of him looking at me strange, in fact so much of his behaviour was so strange but it contrasted with the person I thought he was (his mask) that I was always able to find a way to rationalise it, until it got too strange and then he started to scare me and threaten me and then I realised he was not the person I thought he was, in fact terrifyingly he was the opposite (a violent misogynist). The early signs are always there but if you don’t know what to look for they are hard to spot. There is a good thread on red flags on the forum which should come up in a search. One of them is a very fast moving relationship where they convince you very early on that you are soul mates.
I felt and still feel at times the same way that I couldn’t believe I let this guy rock up and cause absolute chaos in my world. I trusted him after just a few dates, I realise now that I am too trusting and need to take time to get to know people better before assuming they are good. But these men are master manipulators, many are n*********s and socio/psychopaths with no remorse, conscience or empathy so they lie and cheat comfortably. It’s just not what normal people expect so we can’t imagine they can really be that bad, it’s such an eye opener into the human condition. I too felt like I saw pure evil in my ex’s eyes, like a demon. It’s very scary.
The wonderful thing about awful experiences like this is that they give us a huge opportunity for learning and growth that people who have never experienced it won’t have. There are lots of great resources and information out there to make sense of it all plus this forum, counselling, support groups etc.
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It happened to me that my abusive boyfriend were insisted on moving in together after literally 4 weeks after we met. He used to say I’m his soul mate and we will always be together.
As you said for a normal ppl we dont expect things like that, we believe in what they say, we think we are blessed and we hit a jackpot.
But after a while we start to see things …They are perfect in manipulation. They know exactly which button to push.
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