Help and advise needed.

[Llama12]

So my partner of nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years has been on and off abusive for (detail removed by Moderator) of them. It has been emotional abuse and was physical but stopped for (detail removed by Moderator). Most recently the physical abuse has started again and (detail removed by Moderator) ago I said I didnt want to be with him anymore and he threw things at me and pushed me onto the floor and put his hands over my mouth and shouted in my face. He has said hurtful things about my family and hurtful things towards me which I cannot forget. I know I should leave but we own a house together and he has always said it will be difficult if we split and I know he will not co operate with solicitors etc and will want the house. I am scared to leave the house because I own half and I would want what I am entitled to to start a new life but I know he will make this extremely difficult for me. I do not have family nearby as they all live far so living here is good for work and I will need to look at a new location for work if I moved out. I am really stuck and scared with what to do. His (detail removed by Moderator) are aware of the previous abuse and have told him it is wrong etc and his parents have said I can always come to them for support or to tell them if it happens again. Do you think I should tell his parents? I just want him to accept that this isn’t a healthy relationship and just let me move on with my life but I do not want to lose out on what I am owed with the house nor do I want to leave my
Home. We are meant to be going on holiday together (detail removed by Moderator) and since (detail removed by Moderator) we have not spoken and he has been going about his life as normal and we have not said a single word to eachother. Can anyone advise me on how best to deal with this situation? I feel so stuck.

[Allornothing]

Hi Llama12, sorry to hear you are going through this. Have you ever said to him that you will call the police? I know it can be difficult, but it is good if you can try and go about it the right way. Pushing you to the floor is abuse and he needs to learn that it isn’t acceptable and like most, probably thinks he can do what he wants. If he is physical and the police get involved and therefore it is on record, this may help in getting him out of the house although I certainly don’t know the law about this. NCDV can put you in touch with legal teams who can advise you, just so you have the knowledge for now. Often building the knowledge and educating ourselves gives us something to focus on – you need to feel empowered, rather than him having the control. Sending you lots of love xx

[Llama12]

Thank you. I have said before I would tell the police but he says they won’t believe me and gives this attitude back towards it. I just want to leave amicably and move on but he just will not be mature about it.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Llama12, I wish it was different but you will not get any rationality or responsibility from your partner regarding an amicable split… in a healthy relationship it is difficult and painful but to leave an abuser is off the scale as he will try to remain in control and will not be going anywhere in his mind as these men do not think they have done anything wrong and will blame everyone else.

Have you thought about speaking to a solicitor for a free 30 min meeting, quite a few Law firms do this… I googled DA solictors in ny local area.

For him to physically hurt you in such a violent way must have been terrifying.. it is also illegal and the police would arrest him if you reported him. If you do ring the police do not warn your partner, he will talk you out of it or may

I am so sorry you are in this situation with him… would his family Support you and he could move in with them for a while as they know he is abusive and violent from his past.. would they support you or him so as to avoid police?

Stay safe x
HFH ❤️

[Eggshells]

Hi @Llama12

I wish I had answers that you would like to hear. Unfortunately, I don’t.

I’ve been around the forum for a good few years now and have heard about supportive inlaws before. Honestly, when push comes to shove, they tend to choose their sons, even when they know their son is wrong. I honestly dont think that they are best placed to support you.

And your partner does already know that this is not a healthy relationship. There’s a book called “Why does he do that”. It clearly demonstrates that not only do these men know their behaviour is wrong but they actually orchestrate what they do to engender your fear of their behaviour. It ensures that you behave in the way they want you to behave because you have learnt to fear their response if you don’t. His violence is designed to contol you. And he knows it is wrong but it serves him well so he’ll keep on doing it. That wont change.

If there is a recent report of violence to the police, this could help you to secure orders such as occupation and non-molestation orders. These could get him out of the house whilst you divorce him.

But, I would advise you to leave before he has the oppotunity to be violent again. Take legal advise ASAP. Yes, he will make it as difficult and as exprnsive for you as he possibly can but your safety is far more important than money or bricks and mortar.

[Toon]

Hi Llama12
When I started reading this I thought I’d written it myself!! O many similar things. Am stuck to ,one thing I’d say is get police if you feel scared , no excuses to scare you. X
Good luck

[MissIndependant]

I have not long left my partner and found a furnished rental with my Son, I don’t think I would have done it without the added bonus so definitely look for that option. I used to always make excuses like I’ll wait until my kids leave school or I’ll wait until after Xmas because I have family coming round. There is never the right time and you just have to go with your gut. (detail removed by moderator) I’m still in a position where my partner is harassing me daily by text and watching my every move. It has never been physical but he would nudge me and be in my face interrogating me so I was worried it would eventually escalate. A few of my friends have told me to report the harassment to the police but I am too nice and worried about him getting into trouble. However we have to think about our own welfare and safety, so I know the time will come. You will know when you are ready to leave when you have finally had enough. It took me a good few years with the cycle of emotional abuse and him always reeling me back in. There is lots of support out there and I recommend counselling too to help you put things into perspective. I was asked ‘if your friend treated you that way, would they still be your friend?!’ Of course not, so why do we let them control us, I am still trying to work that out. I wish you good luck whatever decision you make.

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