Help for the kids?

[Suntree]

I need help on how to help the kids who think he will come back into thier lives and make everything alright.
Currently he stopped see the kids a while back (I am not upset about this due the damage he did to them) and we have come far for the better.
Except currently my family circumstances are changing and it is bring up their loss of him and are currently grieving and wishing at the same time almost as if they see him it will take the pain of what they are feeling (the loss of a natural father) away.

The reality is when he did pop back into their lives for a his own reason for the briefest of moments a while back it caused all a lot of pain and destruction.

Is there any resources out there for children and me about the realities of absent abusive parents and how to help them?

At the moment I am telling them it is okay to feel this way. But I don’t know how to help them by letting them know that seeing him won’t take the pain away but will just make it worse.

Thanks in advance

[Serenity]

Hi Suntree,

It’s so tough, isn’t it? Our kids keep hoping, but the reality is that their fathers don’t prioritise them and don’t consider their emotions.

First thing to say is, have faith that you can be a strong enough parent to get your kids through this latest hurdle. I am really trying to get my kids to find out their ownbinterests and goals- to help them break off it psychologically from the abuse and to find some respite emotionally.

There is quite a good on-line resource called I Am A Child of Divorce which might be helpful.

Some schools run the Rainbows programme or something similar, a peer support group, where kids who have experienced all kinds of loss can meet and chat about their experience with trained facilitators. Maybe ask your school if they run something like this?

[Suntree]

Thank you.

I don’t hold much faith in the school but I will see if there is something locally.

[Serenity]

I don’t hold much faith in the school either, Suntree!

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi suntree, my children have had support from local abuse services and one had counselling through school. Neither of these has been a particular help if I’m honest. The trouble was that by the time they received this support they knew what the consequences were of ‘tellng on him’ both from their dad and from social services. They’re very careful with what they disclose now. They do find the nspcc childline forums and online counselling service helpful though as they know it’s more confidential. They also have games on the website which help them express their feelings. They tell me most things I think but not everything.
The most helpful thing I found is to get really good counselling for myself and get myself more healed, calmer and with more headspace and energy to contain their emotions. Trust in yourself and they will too. You understand them better than anyone xx

[Serenity]

I agree, my youngest wouldn’t open up to a teacher, probably because he feared the consequences of ‘grassing up’ his dad.

The Rainbows peer group course for kids who have suffered loss ( divorce, bereavement) works on the proven basis that kids are more likely to open up in a group with kids their own age on a group basis, in a safe circle environment. For kids struggling to deal with emotions alone, this has helped many kids. I don’t know if it’s worth contacting your local children’s services, Suntree, to ask if there’s anything similar.

Family Lives has an online young people’s live forum, I think, and there’s also Child Line.

I think PP is right that they look to us and learn a great deal from us. If we take care of ourselves, in turn we can look after them.

I think all of us ladies here have a wealth of experience and knowledge. Our understanding of abuse is massive! I think we have the capacity to get our kids through this.

[Suntree]

Thank you both.

[Confused123]

HI

I was lucky my school offered a male mentor to my son so he could have man to man chats, but otherwise i would say we are the best example and just love them as much as u can , tell them u love them and they just need to know we are not going to leave them. they prob after reassurance

[Suntree]

we had a chat with them to be honest I don’t know what I said, it was one of those heartfelt sort of chats that it is okay to feel the feelings they have and to acknowledge them even when they hurt. How seeing him doesn’t fix their feelings, it takes the pain away for a nano second and then the pain gets worse. I had examples to use that from other things as well.

Then we looked at what we had right now and how by looking at things aren’t in our grasp we are missing out what we do have and the joy in what we have right now. How this is a skill and most people never get to master this skill because it takes practice.

I have seen a change and a confidence starting to shine through which has to be honest taken me by surprise.
Kids are brilliant when they are given the right tools to understand their world at their level.

[Serenity]

Wow, Suntree, how inspiring you are!

What a great way to approach it. Your kids are lucky to have you x

[bunsandcakes]

Hi there, Early Help can be a great help.. they are kind of a step down from social workers and they offer a lot of classes, councelling etc for kids. Look it up and find your local branch and just call them and explain they will set up a meeting and go from there.

[Author]

Posts