Help! How do i get him out?

[Glasshalf]

Reposting as I put this in the wrong topic before and I would really like some support or hear people’s experiences.
Here’s what i wrote:

I feel a bit silly writing this because I understand that many people are in much worse situations than me. I’m planning to leave a relationship (we have young kids) where my partner is financially dependent on me. I have a good job and I own the flat we live in. He owns an unprofitable business (which i support financially on a regular basis unwillingly) and a house but that is several hours drive away but he can’t live there and still run his business.
When I asked him to leave after the worst escalation (and this is what has convinced me it’s over) he first said he wouldn’t leave our youngest child who he believes is too young and then said I would have to pay for him to have a flat elsewhere.
We managed to “reconcile” as he agreed to go to couples counselling but I can’t forgive him.
I’m not sure how to make the next step. I’d like things to be amiable but I’m aware that whatever I do this will all be my fault (he’s already told our eldest child it’s my fault the family is falling apart and if he leaves).
I really need advice. I have a lot of positives- strong friend network, and financial independence. But I’m scared of how he will react to this and above all that he simply won’t leave because he won’t have anywhere to go.
My close friend and her partner have offered to be there when i ask him to leave. As have my sister and her husband. I don’t know if that’s a good idea as I’m worried abiut what he could do to them.
Any help, please? Experience?
I really really don’t want to go to the police. Or change the locks. I know this will make coparenting an even worse nightmare. Is there any way throught the counseling I could convince him moving out is the right thing? I’m also aware I might have to give him money to leave.
It’s so surreal and I cannot believe I’m writing this.
Thank you for reading and any thoughts or experiences you can share.

[Marmalade]

Hi Glasshalf,
It really sounds like you need legal advice on your position. Try to see a solicitor who practises in family law. Some will give the first 30 minutes consultation free.
Although he is not an owner of your property, he may try to claim some rights over it if he has made contributions. If you are married then he will have additional rights as your property willbe the matrimonial home. If he looks after the children whilst you work then he could argue that he is the main carer. That may make a difference.
An occupation order is a draconian order to remove someone from a property. I can’t tell how bad your “escalation” was or if it was serious enough to potentially justify an application, but it appears it was a while ago as you have reconciled and gone to counselling since. In those circumstances it may be harder to persuade a judge that you need an emergency order as the behaviour will not be recent. A solicitor will be able to give you proper advice. They can tell you whether, in your particular circumstances, you can get an order to get him out of the property.
Good luck.

[Glasshalf]

Thank you. I’ve spoken to a solicitor but the options proposed were all severe for me as would impact the kids (change locks, get protection order). Maybe I’m just not there mentally yet.
The escalation was locking me in a room, threatening arson, waking up our (detail removed by Moderator) child to complain about me and also sleep depriving me. Told me he should have physically abused me earlier as then I wouldn’t be so difficult now.
Today, we spoke again about separation. He said he would leave in (detail removed by Moderator) months. Told me to have the courage to tell him that I want to break up. Of course this was all done aggressively and he was shouting so much our (detail removed by Moderator) came in several times to tell us she was scared.
I said (detail removed by Moderator) times that i wanted to break up. I tried to stay calm although i was crying as it feels so hard. And now tonight he’s basically told me everything is ok now. So we’re back to zero. 😢
I’m having pains in my chest from the stress of all this.

[Lost lady]

Oh glasshalf we are at a very similar stage . I asked mine to leave after losing his job following (detail removed by Moderator) at work , he’s been in and out of part time jobs our while marriage and is so angry all the time
He agreed to leave , next day said we have to stay together for the kids , then he wants out then doesn’t, now said I have to wait until he gets another job which I know from experience can be 6-12 months 😫
Solicitor said I will have to pay him more than 50% of the house value but this wouldn’t leave be enough to afford somewhere else
It’s making me Ill too and he just Seems so smug about it all x

[Eyeswideopen]

I was in same situation and also didnt want to involve anyone, police etc as was terrified it would escalate further. Are you married? If so you’ll need fo agree split of assets, maybe you wont need to pay him out of the flat as he has a house but you need to see what could be a reasonable offer.
The only thing that made my ex leave was when I started looking for rooms to rent nearby. I said fine, you dont want to leave, I’ll go. I was really ready for it, spoke to kids who are teens and said I just couldn’t stay in the house if he was unwilling to move.
He suddenly said he wanted to go to flat (surely imagining me living free while he had kids, dog and wouldn’t have a place to bring new women).
So I paid him out of the house, and even if spent loads of money on him, it was better than on solicitors etc

[Glasshalf]

Thank you for your replies. I’m so sorry for what you are going through too. It’s gut wrenching, isn’t it? @LostLady, you’re describing exactly my situation! How are you coping? Do yiu have friends / family to talk to?

We are not married. (detail removed by Moderator) he got angry because (detail removed by Moderator) I’d sent him an email providing my bank details to repay a loan that I have got out for him (he already has all the money and repayments start soon).
He threw (detail removed by Moderator) across the room in front of the children.
We then spoke calmly (detail removed by Moderator) as he says he doesn’t understand why I’m doing this to the family.
And I have to say I’m finding it really hard because of course there have been good times.
He’s now said he will leave and move to his house and take the children. The house is too far away for even a weekend visit. I will check with tge lawyer if he’s allowed to do this.
He also asked if I really didn’t think we could work it out and it took all my strength to say “no i don’t think we can”.
He doesn’t understand because he’s never hit me. Thinks it is all about this loan, which it isn’t.
I feel so sick today that I’m doing this to my family.

[Lost lady]

Hi glasshalf , hope you are ok .
I spoke to womens aid and they have advised me to speak to (detail removed by Moderator) for help with leaving just don’t know if I have the strength to do it. I feel so torn , do I tolerate his behaviour so the kids life isn’t disrupted or make a stand to be free from this horrible cycle before he breaks me 😥. I don’t really have anyone to support me , my sister is fed up with me going round in circles and never leaving and said she can’t handle it x

[Lifebegins]

Hi Glasshalf,

You are not doing anything to your family except extricating yourself from an abusive relationship and setting a good example for your children which in later years they will understand. I have left for quite a while now and my child has gotten older and knows now what their father is like and asks me why did I stay so long?!

Of course there have been good times with your partner. If it was all bad, you would have already left and it’s a common feeling we all wrestle with. But you know in your gut you’re doing the right thing. Hold onto that.

A couple of things you’ve written concerned me:

You will need to get a prohibited steps order asap if he’s threatening to take the children (I’m assuming you both have parental responsibility?) I did involve the police when I left and they told me he could take my child and there was nothing they could do about it without an order. I would suggest getting legal advice asap.

The loan in your name. Can you get the money back from him and repay it in full? I’ve been left with £000s of debt in my name which he hasn’t contributed a penny to since separation. If it’s anything like my situation, the gloves will come off once you leave him and he won’t play fair – to the contrary the abuse ramped up post separation via child contact and financial arrangements.

Amicable co-parenting is unlikely to happen. Like you I wanted to do the right thing and did everything to try and make things easier for him and my child and was really pandering to my ex just to keep the peace. If I knew then what I know now, I should’ve took a hard line at the beginning as I’ve ended up having to now, x years later, re: child contact.

Obviously you can’t go into detail on this forum about your shared care of children and finances but you sound like you have had good advice from your solicitor. It might be worth considering taking it when you’re ready. From my own experience, my financials are only recently partially sorted and still a way to go (I’ve had to self rep in the end as couldn’t go on paying endless legal fees) and the length of time and involvement needed has taken a toll on me.

Good for you deciding to leave 💪 I’ve never regretted it and although it’s been a hard slog, I’m really starting to live and enjoy life free from abuse.

You will get there. Stay strong and safe. This can be a dangerous time when they feel like they’re losing control so be vigilant. Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Glasshalf]

@lifebegins thanks for your message and the virtual hug! I needed it!
It’s useful to get your perspective.

I’ve contacted my lawyer who has given me some initial advice and I’m meeting with soon to discuss details. The lawyer has asked me to order some documents but to be honest, I’m scared he may pick them up in our letterbox rather than me so trying to figure out how to do that.
In anycase, he’s being fine again now so i don’t really understand what’s going on in his head. I know i need to stay on message but I can’t face another conversation. I’m such a coward. It takes all my energy.

For the loan, he can’t give it back as he’s used it. I’m not sure I’ll get the £00000 back but honestly that isn’t my priority now. It needs to be custody and getting him out the flat. Ensuring there’s a mutual understanding that the relationship is over.
Thanks again. I really appreciate all the advice and support on here. Xx

[Lifebegins]

No worries @Glasshalf. I totally get and remember feeling exactly the same way, the stress is unbelievable. But there is a route out of this, you just have to find the way that works best for you, your kids and your safety.

My circumstances in the end when I left were different as his behaviour escalated when I think he knew I was leaving and I was forced to go to the police (he was then removed from property by bail conditions and then a non molestation order and never returned). However, it was only just before that I had been thinking instead I would rent my own place and leave, getting myself and child sorted there temporarily and then sell family home and trying to do everything nicely as possible. But his behaviour put paid to all that. I don’t want to scare you just make you aware that with all your good intentions, things may not go as you’d hope. So no harm in considering all the options available to you now even if it’s not what the way you want to go at the minute.

Mediation is also an option which I tried, unsuccessfully, but I was desperate to try anything to resolve childcare and financials. They don’t recommend it in DA situations but you mentioned doing counselling, so maybe could work for you?

Have you spoken to any DA organisations like Womens Aid or National Domestic Abuse helpline? Both were great in giving me good advice and are very experienced in helping women in leaving safely and successfully. It can be scary calling for the first time and you don’t have to take action, it took me 6 months, but they may have options your solicitor may not consider.

I would also think worse case scenario if he doesn’t leave, is there somewhere you could go with the kids until the situation is resolved? You own the flat and are not married so I would think you will legally be able to have him removed later should it come to it, which I hope not. Good to always have a plan b ready.

If documents are coming from a bank or financial institution which you don’t want coming to the property, just call them and advise of your situation and they will usually accommodate. All the institutions/companies I’ve dealt with have been fantastically supportive.

Sending you positive thoughts ❤️ Xx

[Glasshalf]

Hi @lifebegins
It’s useful to hear your story. I brainstormed some worse case scenarios with the lawyer today, although that was primarily about childcare.
She wants me to make a report to the police and at the moment I don’t think I can do it. Right now, he’s saying he wants to resolve things amicably, so I feel this risks making everything just so much more stressful. (detail removed by moderator) And then next week, plan is to give him my lawyers contact details (though she advises i go to police first).

I do feel a bit stronger at the moment, and trying to use my time now to prepare for what’s next. I’m just so anxious about all the stress which i know it’s coming….

[Author]

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