Help me !

[Sadness]

Hi I’m new to this so just want to ask a few things .why is it so hard to talk about this I can talk about some of the abuse like the hiding my phone taking my car keys but I just can’t talk about him hitting me .My husbands pushes me he takes my hand and hits me with it he has put bruises on my body .je has told me to kill my self .He also has told me he would kill me .If he is hurting me and I cry he gets mad because I’m crying too loud or telling me it’s a act and then he put his hands around my mouth and nose and I couldn’t Catch my breath in between I begged him to stop he didn’t care I saw madness in his eyes .He has licked my face pull a towel off me after the shower .he has told me I’m never there for him and that it’s all my fault his the way he is .The most confusing part is when we are not arguing he is great and gentle and kind.He got him self addicted to my sons (detail removed by moderator) meds and when I realized it I was to blame I was mad to think that and I ruined his life but when I got solid proof he cried and said he wanted to die .I am a total mess he makes me feel like going to sleep and never waking up but I have 4 children who need me I need him out of the house so I can get in with my life ! He tells me I am mad and I am a lier deletes any proof I have .I need him to leave but he won’t all he is doing now is crying .I know he hates him self for what he is doing but he will never take away my memories and the fear I will now have for him he can be a great father and husband but his addictive personality has won and I just don’t have the energy for him any more .It felt good writing that down instead of thinking it over and over in my head I stil feel I’m making excuses for him but I know deep down he only cares about him self 🙁 What my plan would be if I get the strength is an emergency barring order change locks in house and go away for a couple of weeks with kids so we don’t have to see the aftermath I do feel he will kill him self if I do that but maybe he has just gotten in to my head !!

[KIP.]

Hi, he sounds very typical of a controlling abuser. Threats of suicide are a very common tactic to exert more control. Please contact your local women’s aid. They can help you every step of the way. With planning a safe exit, advice on non molestation orders or exclusion orders etc. These men are most dangerous when we try to end the relationship or soon afterwards somplease do not let him know of your plans. He sounds extremely dangerous although we minimise their behaviour as a way of coping. Google the cycle of abuse. Gaslighting. Cognitive dissonance. Trauma bonding. Abuse always gets worse. Abusers drain our energy like emotional vampires. He is not your responsibility and he chooses to behave this way. He knows exactly what he is doing and the damage he causes. He simply doesn’t care. Keep posting. We are here to help you through this awful stage x

[Autumnique]

Hi sadness I can relate to all of this. The more I cried when he was hurting me the more angry he got and screamed victim at me. The rage in his eyes was like he was possessed. I eventually had to kick him out get the locks changed etc but WA and the police helped me.3 weeks in and I’m. Starting to love my life again. Yes atm I’m always looking over my shoulder going to work etc even putting the bin out.. But I am so much happier. Please ring WA. I emailed them at first I knew I’d have to wait for a response but I felt a light at the end of the tunnel. Please keep posting. You are not alone this forum is a great support xx

[Sadness]

Thank you for response .i really thought he would get help but I just can’t keep waiting I feel memories are turning in to nightmares I’m a very happy person and little things make me so excited but it’s all been sucked out I’m terrified of occasions and I’m terrified of what I will find out next about what his up to .I told him it was over and that sets him right off and I have told him to leave but I know he will never leave this is so hard why can’t we break up like a normal couple !!il will be honest I do care about what he will do when I do leave for good as he can’t cope with anything .I have (detail removed by moderator) children with specially needs and they need 100% of my attention .This has been bad for (detail removed by moderator) and taking my sons meds has made it worse but I do think with out any drugs he is still a monster deep down and triggers are conflict can’t deal with it he calls me fat ugly useless but he doesn’t mean any of it afterwards but what I say I do mean so he can be angry about that .I am a very private person and this is my first time speaking about it I rang the gurds oonce and they basically told me there was nothing they can do so I will never ring them again until I have a protection order I lost faith in the guards now .I wish he would be a decent person and just leave and not put us through this !is it just me but does the nice person he is sometimes confuse you .I mean as in he would do anything for me and the kids clean cook washing play with kids but it only happens when we have a heated argument ??

[Autumnique]

Sadness alot of the time my ex was lovely bought me everything, cooked for me etc but this can also be a sign of abuse smothering you with love etc. But then the little digs”why have you got a matching bra and pants set on”whose it for etc etc. Why have you taken the dogs without me who had you planned to meet etc… Screaming in my face when he was in one of his rages. Mine also didn’t happen all the time. But once is enough. On one occasion he battered me so bad I feared for my life. Started to isolate me from friends and family. Became jealous of my own kids and dogs. It was getting worse. I really am so happy now. I have always been a kind happy person I felt it was all being drained out of me. We need to be true to ourselves xx

[Sadness]

I know I think I’m still living in hope I do feel he will push me over the edge and i will have a breakdown there is only so much of poor me I can take I can’t stand a selfish person and I can here him crying up in his room and I know all he thinks I’m his head is why is

[Iwantmeback]

Hi sadness, it’s a horrible feeling when we actually realise our other half(OH)is an abuser. Once our eyes are opened they can no longer unsee what he says and does. We fell in love with an image, one they put out to trap us. They suck the life out of us just like vampires. They steal our self respect, our self esteem, our Love and kindness to others.
You and your children deserve so much better. I’m still with my OH, many ladies on here have got away. Have you spoken to any one at WA yet. They truly are amazing , they’ll listen to you and more importantly, they’ll believe you. My OH is so jealous when i spend even 30 minutes with my family, he’s so insecure but it’s driven a huge chasm between us. I don’t love him at all, his rages terrify me, I never knew what the red mist was, I’ve seen it in him now. Its terrifying.
We are all private people, brought up to not wash our dirty washing in public, keep quiet so the neighbours dont hear us arguing.
WA have their own solicitors who specialise in DA and can get an interim exclusion order which will get him out of your home, have you spoken to your doctor about how hes affecting your health. We know exactly what you’re going through, it’s hell on earth,it’s never ending but that’s what they want us to think. Once we open up, that’s when hope starts to burn again within us. I won’t lie, it’s the hardest longest journey you’ll ever undertake, but we can do it. We are here fir each and every one of us who needs an ear and some hope for a peaceful future. We are with you every step of the way and there is also outside help available. We can guide you at every turn. You have a secret weapon now….US. together we will beat abuse💜💜

IWMB 💕💕

[Sadness]

Is she doing this to me .All I want is for him to leave me alone and get on with my life and make happy memories I feel now I took the good times for granted 🙁 my children wouldn’t care if he was around or not because when we fight he stays in his room only comes down to give out and shout so I have been a single parent for the last year.I think he really thinks this is going to be ok in time and that I’ll forgice him and take him back The only reason I’m still in house is because it’s my house too and my children’s why should we go how do these humans exists !!I just feel I need a break I have blocked him from texting me so I can’t get message after message saying poor me how can you do this bla bla bla i make sore I’m in a room with someone .je is a compulsive lier and really believe that people will think I’m lieing I think he was happy that fake abuse claim happend in big brother I could see it in him !!I have a a recording of him telling me if I drove his car he will kill me and loads of useless stuff and a recording of him calling me a fat f**k over and over again would that be enough evidence ?im no good taking to someone as I have never spoken loudly about it so to even go and apply for a barring order will be so so hard

[Autumnique]

Sadness my ex is a compulsive liar I fell for him thinking he was a totally different person he lied about his Job, his past etc even has Id etc to support his lies.. Even his mom dying, him being married for numerous years all lies. I’ve had zero contact now for (detail removed by moderator) weeks so I’m getting stronger every day but still don’t want to bump into him. A few days ago I was told he was having imaginary arguments with me by phone threatening me with solicitors the people who observed this noticed his phone was actually switched off and as I said I’ve not spoken to him. Some of these men just seem to be insane. Yes he cried when I left him but I remembered all the times he made me cry and I realised he’s just crying for himself not me. The only contact I’ve had is he posted me a letter declaring his undying love but then there were digs in it trying to blame me for everything… In his eyes he’s done nothing wrong I’m to blame and I’ve obviously met someone else thats why I don’t want him. Totally untrue… But I’m do happy in out of it xx

[Sadness]

Thank you Autumnique I just need to take it all in and sort my head out before I make my mind up I’m going to speak to a councilor and maybe understand why I have stayed and why I am not strong enough to keep my word that it’s over .I haven’t told him I love him on (detail removed by moderator) years and I only have sex with him to prevent a argument I took off my wedding rings (detail removed by moderator) in hope he thought I was serious and would seek help but he didn’t when I think back he has abused me from day 1 but sent long emails about how sorry he was and bought me stuff !now he doesn’t even care when he hurts me he tells me when I’m crying that his glad I’m crying now I feel like he feels he hasn’t said sorry all this year and this year has been the worst !!i believe he is so caught up on how he feels that he blames his depression and anxiety for his behaviors but I know that is not the case .He now thinks I’m brainwashed because I have enough and he can see a change in me and is threatening to hurt my friend now thinking it’s her but I haven’t told anyone about the full abuse only some of the mental and emotional abuse .I feel sick and I feel drained and look a state my 4 kids have barely left the house over Christmas this is meant to be happy times for them they can see my sadness in my eyes and I’m snappy with them and it’s not there fault !

[KIP.]

You’re going to need help. Contact womens aid. Ring the helpline number on here. You can do this.

[Sadness]

I’m here writing down what he has done to me and I actualy can’t believe it I can’t believe I have left this man do this to me! Poking/locking me in to room /breaking my phones /throwing stuff/begging me not to leave him at the early stages /lieing /smoking drugs /catching me by the throat /telling me I’m fat Ugly useless fake smelly useless mother. No good wife I’m mentally abusing him (so he says ).im mad /I’m bipolar /his the way he is because of me/I have ruined his life /he is going to end up alone because of me /pulls my hair grabs my head all the time /squeezes his head in to mine telling me with madness in his eyes how much he hates me and will make me pay /has told me he was glad my baby died/it’s always my fault I’m to blame for everything /he has called my friends names calling them fat/gay money grabber /caught me by the throat /pulled me along ground while my son watch /threw me in to the ground (detail removed by Moderator) my kids saw and were screaming when they saw my nose bleed /grabbed me by the throat so many times /grabbed my mouth /pushed me against (detail removed by Moderator) so hard I had bruises along one side of my body /when I scream when I’m scared or hurt he gets madder /he covered my mouth because I was crying to loud and then covered my nose I couldn’t Breath he new that and kept doing it I was begging him to stop /he takes my car keys /he takes me phone he hides my hair straightener /he breaks my makeup pulls straps off bags /he tells me I’m to blame for all of this too that he hates me he wishes I was dead he has told me to kill my self .He has told me he would burn house down /he has threatened suicide so many times I have lost count with even sitting in attic while we were all down stairs knowing kids could see him / he has told me he will make my life hell /he tells me I’m a lier and that what I say is lies (I wish it was )/taking his sons meds /lieing about it for (detail removed by Moderator) making me look at him not allowing me to move when he is angry making me answer him when I don’t want to talk /spitting at me / throwing coke getting the kids /putting holes on walls /breaking hotpress door /fist through (detail removed by Moderator) /told his son he hates him and that he caused argument that he was slow /he has kicked my face /stood in bathroom while I was showering and would not leave /grabbed my belly fat calling me fat /when I promised him sex one night and then was too tired he got angry shouting telling me he wanted to hen sex with his friends wife because I’m useless so I felt I had to have sex to calm him and cried through it /block me from internet /block me from my emails /change my Facebook account details /ring my phone on find my phone over and over again /block internet /tell me that he won’t be home from work but then comes home plays games /he will tell me after he did something that it didn’t happen that I’m mad /he tells me I’m bipolar /because I don’t want him getting drunk every weekend cranky with the kids I’m controlling / he goes mad if he thinks I’m telling any one / when we argue he won’t stop I’m beg to leave house and go to work but he can’t if I go in to bathroom and lock door he screams and bangs so I have to open it he takes my phone makes me give him code then say there reading my messages deleting recordings I had of him for proof of his abuse /he has told me I’m more than 1 occasion I wasn’t aloud leave the house that it will all end today /he has also said to me that he is glad I’m crying and he wants me to feel the way he feels /he has often imitated me when crying and told me to shut the f**k up that it’s all drama / he locked me in my sons room and wouldn’t leave me out until I talked to him but all he wanted me to say was it was my fault to he rubbed his body against mine I had a panick attack and he got mad told me it was all fake .

[KIP.]

Good for you for getting it out. I bet there’s lots more too. Time to plan a safe exit with the help of women’s aid and the police if need be. Abusing you in front of the children is child abuse.

[Sadness]

It’s made me feel worse and upset and stupid but glad I did it because it has opened my eyes even more:-(

[KIP.]

It’s going to happen more and more as you begin to accept the abuse you and your children have suffered. With every new revelation that someone you loved and thought loved you in return but was actually choosing to abuse you. It’s a real painful rollercoaster ride to recovery. That’s why we live in denial for so long. If you can, ask yourself how each of these incidents made you feel at the time. Our self esteem, self confidence, security, safety, self belief and even reality are all chipped away. Leaving us traumatised and confused. Too confused to work out what is really happening x

[Author]

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