Help Please

[Wanttobemeagain]

Hi all,

First time of ever posting anything like this so here goes…..

(detail removed by moderator) ago I met what I thought seemed like a fantastic man in the first place he was caring, kind and we went out on days out eg walking etc.
(detail removed by moderator) we was taking it in turns to go to keep others houses, meals out, movies and wine in etc.
He sold his house although I said why doesn’t he rent it out he wasn’t into that because it was (detail removed by moderator) and he didn’t want to be bothered running backwards and forwards. He sold the house, and brought a new vehicle, kept so much of the money himself and put what he wanted towards the house we are in now.
I sold my own house and we brought a house together well I own well over three quarters of the house, but we have a mortgage in joint names. Got engaged and that’s when things started to go downhill. I asked my young nieces if they would be bridesmaids at our wedding, they was so excited and so was i. when they went home my boyfriend really teared into me why had I asked them to be bridesmaids etc. when I look back at things now there have been lots of things I should of known/seen/taken notes of I haven’t be able to have/buy what I want in our house, he’s had everything he’s wanted, he has all the say!
He used to shout a lot at me and if I wanted anything for the house it was always that won’t go there or it won’t look right there always belittling me.
I’m now always walking on egg shells, I’m so anxious and depressed all the time even my parents have noticed a big difference in me, I can’t concentrate at work my head is so fuzzy and I literally can’t think for myself. I’ve lost a lot of weight. I don’t say anything to him because I’m just belittled or it causes an argument and I don’t feel like I can stick up for myself as he has knocked my confidence that much.
All his meals are cooked, clothes washed yet he treats me like he does.
I’m getting sarcastic remarks, saying things to me then saying that he hasn’t said them, he’s never once said I looked nice in all the years we’ve been together, never brought me anything special I paid for (detail removed by moderator), never had a thanks.
I don’t really know that much about his past, when I’ve asked he’s not really said much about it, when he has spoken about ex-girlfriends etc. its always been their fault why they’ve split up.
Hes doesn’t really have much to do with his family. I found out that he owes his sister a lot of money and expected me to pay it off.

Hes very nice one minute then horrible the next but the damage has been done I want him out of the house, but I know he won’t go just like that, I’m scared also because of the coronavirus and I know he will turn mentally abusive again to me and will be horrible to live with.
To everyone else he’s the perfect gentleman never loses his cool, temper etc, but at home behind closed doors he a different man, don’t get me wrong he’s never hit me.
Please could someone help/give me some advice on what to do.
Thanks

[Chestnut]

Hi, I only posted for the first time today but relate to a lot of what you are saying, the eggshells, the belittling, it keeps you on edge and is a horrible undercurrent that is always there. It has made me very anxious, but on the plus I am very good at yoga now.I found the Lundy Bancroft book mentioned on here just incredible, it really clarified a lot it could be worth a read. I got on amazon and downloaded kindle app on my phone so I could read it privately. It reduced my anxiety a lot as I realised it was nothing to do with me, it was really good! I am still trying to work out a lot myself but think there are lots of people on here much more wise and have good advice. It is very difficult with lockdown, I hope it gets better for you. It took a long time for me to have guts to post anything as mental stuff is very difficult to explain, I think you have taken a huge step!

[Escapee]

Hi and welcome to this wonderful space 🙂

The emotional and psychological abuse within an abusive relationship is insidious and crazy making.

I think we’d all agree that when you try to explain what has happened, it sounds like you’re making something out of nothing and this leads to us doubting ourselves. However it is very real and very damaging. Keeping a journal helps to remind you of all the things that have happened and helps to keep that self doubt away. For me, it’s reading others posts that keeps me strong as many of our stories are so similar (gaslighting, constant criticism, name calling, sulking, temper tantrums and nothing ever being good enough).

Experience has taught me that they won’t/can’t change, relationship counselling is positively dangerous as it gives them ammunition to twist and often they come across as the good one – they’re so good at putting on the nice guy act – leaving you feeling even worse. The abuse you have described messes with your head, causes high levels of anxiety and stress, and finally it will wreck you physically as well.

Read as much as you can to educate yourselves and ask away on here or just poor your heart out. Nobody on here will judge, you’ll just get love, compassion, validation, support and advice from those that have been, or are, where you are. We are so lucky on here to have some amazingly wise and supportive women.

A big welcome to you both 🙂

[Author]

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