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Does anyone find this confusing? He’s been great with the kids, he’s done loads around the house, he’s helped give my elderly parents lifts and I’ll be off for one night away soon with friends while he stays with the children. He says I don’t appreciate him and he does so much for me. He says I act like he’s a “monster” and my punishment of him (after he’s verbally abused me) does not fit the crime in relation to all the good things he does for me. He says I only see the bad stuff and punish him but don’t see anything nice.
Everything is so calm and it’s easy to convince myself that everything is normal…until it is not. He’s been on his best behaviour for months now. It is hard to believe in these good moments that he can be so nasty and cruel. He is two different people. It is a massive mind £&!@
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It’s so hard when they do that. I left my husband almost (detail removed by Moderator) months ago. We text from time to time because we’re still sorting out bank accounts etc. He has sent so many nice messages saying hope I’m happy etc which makes me so upset because I feel guilty & wonder was it all in my head. Then maybe a day or two later he’ll message me and make a snide remark or a passive aggressive comment.
Mine even decorated the (detail removed by Moderator) & bought new furniture. This was when we hadn’t spoke for (detail removed by Moderator) months. He told (detail removed by Moderator) that he’d decorated for me & even used the colours I liked. No apology, no say in the furniture. They do it to mess with our heads.
Sending strength to you. It’s so hard & I still struggle especially at weekends ❤️ -
If he was bad all the time you’d leave wouldn’t you. Or it would feel easier and more justified to leave.
Unfortunately for us, they can’t maintain the nice all the time, so his masks slips and you say it’s not ok/it’s over, his tantrum ends and he pops the mask back on. Throw in some gaslighting ‘it’s not that bad, you’re making it into an issue’, a splash of cognitive dissonance ‘it’s ok, he loves me, it wasn’t that bad, it won’t happen again, he’s been nice for ages’ with a sprinkle of breadcrumbs around future plans or promising you a great time and ta-da you’re confused but stay put, because you don’t want to make a mistake. I hope he doesn’t ruin your night away as that’s a real classic trick. But what you’re feeling is normal, they create muddiness and mind f£&£Kery on purpose and ultimately we want that nice version, to be loved and have a happy family. Sadly, that nasty version isn’t going away and once the trust has been broken, it doesn’t get fixed x
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Yes totally confusing and seems to be the norm with these men.
Telling you that you treat him badly gives him an excuse to do it back in his eyes, that its an eye for an eye kind of thing, plus it makes you try harder to be nicer to him as you would never want to be considered a nasty person, so this works perfectrly for him.
I have had the best months recently, and can describe the recent months for me as being on a absolute high, the perfect ‘in love’ feeling and then boom! he;s back and is very short lived these days but it hurts more as things are so good and then when hes so very nasty its a real shock.
I think in my situation I was ending our marriage on and off as I kept building myself up to get him out of my life and then the trauma bond hit me and we got back together, this hasmt happened for a while now.
He now knows he needs to be nicer to keep things together, but as Bananaboat says he cannot maintain it.
Yes its a absolute headf@£k
I was contemplating preparing to split this weekend as things have been so awful and as he stayed out all night drinking, only let me know as I had found out he wasn.t coming home from the kids and text him first. Not how you treat someone youve been with for over 20 years plus he’s drimking heavy again and is using weed heavily (reason for the argument)
I hope your break away goes smoothly and you enjoy yourself xx
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Yes it’s super confusing. I’ve called for a break on sex because of coercion in my relationship and because my husband had been particularly unkind to me and threatened to leave if I didn’t change.
Since then he’s been much more agreeable but in some ways I wonder if it’s just because he wants to have sex – he has not been very respectful of the boundary and has been intermittently trying to have sex with me.There’s nothing really wrong in our relationship at the moment, at least not surface level. We’ve been holding hands, he’s been more affectionate and been saying nice things to me, paying me compliments. But I don’t really believe him. Because of this peaceful interlude I’m doubting myself, wondering why I’m here in this forum, if I’ve just imagined it all.
Even though there’s peace now I’m waiting for the bomb to drop because I can’t reciprocate at the same level. In some ways I’d prefer him to be openly angry at me but then the kids would feel the impact. Instead I go along with it, keeping the peace but staying at arm’s length because I feel like a fraud.
The peace is great but it comes at a cost.
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