He’s admitted it all

[oaktree]

I recently started to stand up for myself against my husband, he struggles with moods and temper. He is now admitting that hes been emotionally abusing me for years, without knowing it. He says it stems from low sefl esteem, struggling with mental and physical health issues. He has now been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and is medicated for that. He has asked that we go to marriage guidance counselling which I have agreed to. Sometimes he is fine, others he is aggressive and asking me for guarantees that our marriage will survive and that I love him, sometimes he is a mess, crying and shaking.
I am exhausted by it, I dont know if I am doing the right thing doing the counselling or if I am giving him false hope. I don’t know if he can change.
He also also admitted lies from very early in our relationship and a dependence on alcohol

[KIP.]

He chooses to abuse you. Mental health and physical health and low self esteem doesn’t cause abuse and women’s aid say never to go to counselling with an abuser (that’s if he actually goes) as they just manipulate the situation. He will say anything to hook you back in. You’re sadly you’re giving yourself false hope. Standing up to them provokes this kind of behaviour. Wanting your assurance that your marriage will survive while all this times he’s been choosing to abuse you. Keep a journal of the abuse. Don’t listen to a word he says. Just write down the abuse. It’s easy to talk the talk and manipulate but you need to see his behaviour for what it is. He’s now regained control so you get the honeymoon period before the abuse starts again. Do you truly want to stay in this relationship for you? He’s not your responsibility x

[KIP.]

Has he asked how you are? What you want? How you feel?

[oaktree]

I don’t want to stay in the relationship, but I find it difficult to leave someone that is ill…
He has been the driver to go to counselling, there are individual sessions so i will hopefully get my points across. he hasnt admitted anything to them, just to me. He questions me all the time, about whether he is scaring me, or if I think he is abusing me ‘right now’…..and he accuses me of having an affair all the time…how would I even do that in lockdown!
He says sorry a lot, but not really asking how I am….he just seems to feel sorry for himself

[KIP.]

Are you in touch with your local women’s aid? You don’t have to stay in any relationship you don’t want to. Especially an abusive one. Try to get some support in place and always remember abusers are liars and manipulators. He’s not your responsibility and if he’s ill you don’t have to stay there to support him. Your own health will suffer if you do.

[Empoweredhealing]

Please be careful in counseling with someone who’s abusive. Couples counseling is designed for relationships where there are communication issues or disagreement on values. Therapists are trained to see these problems as 50/50 where both people are responsible. But abuse is not a shared responsibility. And abuse is not a communication issue. Survivors are often victimized again when therapists ask them to take partial responsibility for the abuse.
Your partner is looking for you to save him from his mental illnesses and abusive mentality. The thing is you can’t. But he may convince you to waste more of your life trying.
You can save yourself! Consider looking into therapy on your own. You need support and healing. You’ll not get that by focusing on or trying to save your partner.

[gettingtired]

It’s interesting that he’s admitted being abusive to you but not the therapist. It sounds to me like he’s only doing it to further manipulate you. He probably knows this won’t work with the therapist. I’d highly recommend reading Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. He talks about men who have joined his abusers programme in the past and the way they often manipulate their version of the relationship/abuse xx

[Eggshells]

This all sounds very familiar. Mine also admitted to everything. I’m so pleased that I secretly recorded it because once he realised I was leaving anyway, he denied everything and denied that he’d admitted to anything. He also wanted to know when I was scared and when I thought he was being abusive. He used this knowledge against me to scare me even more. He was the driving force behind us going to couples counselling- he did manipulate the counsellor. Its all an act to try and convince you that he wants to change. He doesn’t want to change and he won’t.

He us an adult and his mental and physical health are his responsibility not yours. He’s put a lot of energy trying to break your mental health without a moment of concern for you. You don’t owe him anything.

[Author]

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