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He lost it with me (Detail removed by Moderator)…and asulted me. The only difference (Detail removed by Moderator) is I went to police and I had recorded it all… and he kicked me threatened to smash my car.. kill me and break my neck.. I am so scared they will let him out and he will come back here.. the house is rented and in his name and I though he will come back and throw me out… they wanted me to go to refuge or a hotel for the night incase he comes back….as the custody officer will interview him and may release him (Detail removed by Moderator)…
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I’m very sorry to hear this Ssss, well done for going to the police. I agree that it doesn’t sound like you’re safe, is there anywhere you can go to get away from him, somewhere he can’t find you? Then get help to get your own place. I don’t want to scare you but if he has threatened to kill you then that is a very bad sign especially if he is already assaulting you like he has. Definitely put your safety first, these men see us as objects and lack empathy.
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I’ve been told to stay away from home too. Please take their recommendations seriously although it’s annoying to say the least. They are concerned for your safety. Please do not go home (Detail removed by Moderator).
You have done the right thing. Well done. I expect you are busy sorting things out. It’s a nightmare.
My ex husband is going to be interviewed soon and again they have made it clear that I must not come home.
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When my partner was arrested for assaulting me he was released on bail with bail conditions that he didn’t contact me or come anywhere near me.
My experience with the police is that they’re pretty good at putting the victim’s safety at the top of their priorities.
I wouldn’t go home though. I called the police about mine on (Detail removed by Moderator) but took him back in, by (Detail removed by Moderator) his abuse had escalated dramatically and he too threatened to kill me. I think because he saw that at last I WAS prepared to involve the police. I had hoped he’d see it as his last chance to change his behaviour, but unfortunately he chose to escalate the abuse.
Thinking of you x
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Well done for calling the police. I know how hard that can be but you cannot deal with an abuser on your own. Ring Rights for Women for legal advice. You may be able to get an exclusion order to keep him out the home. It’s your home too even though his name is on the rental agreement. Even if it buys you some time. Make sure you leave the keys in the locks to prevent him getting in and ask the police to insist on bail conditions. This is your chance to get out. Victim Support are great help. There is a helpline number on here too. These men are huge cowards. That’s why they bully women. Make sure you tell the authorities everything at this stage. The more they know the more they can help.
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Thankyou for all you support.. my head is spinning now… (Detail removed by Moderator)…with conditions to stay away… he’s staying at his ……. house.. he came to house to collect things with police… he got charged (Detail removed by Moderator).. I wonder how long this will last that he has to stay away for..my head is just spinning with it all… I have got no support I haven’t even told the kids… we’ve been out all day as it was planned and it took my mind off it all.. but we got back and kids are in bed and then it starts going round in my head… like what the h… has happened.. what have I done… me not him… I feel guilty sorry for what I’ve done… yes stupid I know..
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I called the police on mine for the first time (Detail removed by Moderator) but they didnt turn up that took so much strength from me at that time as its been years and Ive never rang them, I to felt guilt about it as if they had turned up I would of pressed charges but as the days passed I was glad I didnt as I felt bad for HIM! Its ludicrous really its their fault not ours and I know how hard calling the police was for you because it was for me after all this time. He might kill you one day only takes one punch in the wrong place think of yourself dont minimise Ive done it myself but we musnt your kids need their mother. Dont give him any remorse or sympathy you cant go around attacking people esp people your meant to love remember that please dont feel bad X
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They didn’t turn up… that’s bad after you called them…I always worry about him… it’s our nature I guess… but what you said is right… one punch in wrong place and that’s it for us.. game over and where would that leave the kids…. yes he doesn’t care what he’s doing or who he’s hurting when his fists are flying around….
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Ring victim support. They can help you with explaining bail conditions and how to keep them in place etc. Also ring Rights for Women about an exclusion order. Once bail is lifted, usually after sentencing if it gets that far. You may need to protect yourself through the civil courts. Don’t waste your energy feeling sorry for him. I know you gave him chance after chance. You did nothing wrong. Abuse always gets worse. Well done for holding him accountable. Nasty bullies.
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Hi Ssss,
Well done for contacting the police, it must have taken a lot courage to report him for the abuse towards you. It is natural to feel a range of emotions so try to be kind to yourself. The only person responsible for what has happened is him.
If you need to talk then the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) is available. The Helpline Workers can listen and talk things through with you. Lean on the support available.
Keep posting to us when you can.
Take care,
Lisa
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Please don’t let him manipulate you to return through guilt. They all use guilt. They choose us because we are kind and caring women, used to putting others needs before our own, and unfortunately that makes us easier to manipulate. Feeling sorry for him means you are putting his needs before your own. I felt terrible, sorry, guilty too for ages and kept having to remind myself this person was violent and had threatened to hurt me, just like your partner. If you can keep that in mind it will help you get through the worst of it until you start to see him more clearly. If he hadn’t done anything wrong, the police would not be interested in him. All that is happening is that he is finally facing the consequences for his actions, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, although I felt the same so I understand how it feels.
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He has to be on bail until (Detail removed by Moderator) and that can take months.
Arrange a new flat for yourself and the kids in the meantime and keep the address a secret.
Or go into a refuge and take it from there.
Perpetrators frequently break bail conditions.
It is better you disappear while you can.
Have you spoken to Women’s Aid in the meantime?Please do not feel guilty. You did the right thing. I hope he ends up in jail.
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I feel the guilt too…I gave him many chances, telling him that the next time id call the police. I always felt sorry for him, thought he’d be terrified of police involvement, but it really did get to the point where I was feeling on the edge of a complete breakdown myself. I asked him to leave many times, but he wouldn’t even discuss it and would become abusive and violent. I offered to support him in finding a new place to live but his
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Sorry, went before I finished typing!
….response was always avoidance, anger or just a refusal to discuss. I remember considering suicide just to get away from him.Anyway, he assaulted me again, dragging me to the floor, screaming abuse, bit my face…I got away, went to true police and made a statement.
He was arrested , charged, released on bail and then committed suicide in a horrific, violent manner.
The guilt is horrendous. Apparently there is a suicide note,the police have it. I’m terrified I’ll be made to read it, I’m pretty sure it’ll be full of blame for me. He always said if he killed indeed everyone would know it was my fault.
The coroner wants to interview me now and I’m scared he’ll put this letter in front of me.
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Sunshine r f what you said about the guilt if he hadn’t done anything wrong the police wouldn’t be interested in him… I’ve got to hold on to that… yes ayanna I am trying to get my head around it all and am starting to do things out.. I’ve got a bit of breathing space.. I thought he would have pleaded guilty.. but he has gone not guilty.. which means a trial poodle p that sounds horrific I’m sure they won’t make you read the letter.. I hope they don’t anyway
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sending you a hug and some virtual strength Ssss and poodle power he was abusive and cruel right to the end, please be kind to yourself , allow yourself time to heal from the horrific time you have had. what happened is quite common with these abusers, harming others, threatening to harm themselves, threatening our friends and family, pets , everything and anything to keep us doing what they want , or what they think they want at the time as god knows it keeps changing ,not caring the damage to us because if they did , they woukdn’t Do what they do and when the power shifts and we start to see them for what they are -using that final act to abuse and hurt right to the end. He did this to himself, you hold your head up high and if you don’t want to hear or read his final probably false words you shouldn’t Have too. There should be guidance online for you regarding this , sending you a big virtual hug too poodlepower
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