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So an incident happened not long ago, my friend was worried as I’d sent her a message about an incident &
I’d stopped responding so she called the police as she was worried. Police turned up & arrested him again (second time in not very long at all) he’s been let out on bail again although this time it’s gone straight to Crown Prosecution. They’ve said it doesn’t matter that I don’t want to put in a complaint or make a statement because it’s happening more frequently & escalating & it’s gone to them & is now out of my hands.
I don’t want anything to happen to him although I think he’ll be convinced it will. I just wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation and what is likely to be the outcome?
I haven’t heard anything back from the police, they took ‘evidence’ from the house & they have the message I sent to my friend. I also couldn’t find his phone so I think they may have taken that too.
I just want things to go back to normal. I can’t manage without him financially & I’m worried I will be completely alone & in debt without him. I can’t afford the house & all the bills by myself, it’s giving me massive anxiety.
He has kids from previous relationships too & I don’t want them to be affected because of all of this.
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It’s out of your hands now, darling. And it has to be, really, because you might never feel ready to press charges.
Bottom line, he’s breaking the law and it’s everybody’s law, not just yours. You can’t tell anyone it’s all okay by you because it isn’t just about you. It’s much bigger.
You are needing some support and advice about finances, aren’t you? Financial dependence can’t be allowed to force you to endure the abuse. Have you tried the helpline?
Do keep updating so we can help. There will be someone who has trodden this path and can talk you through, I’m sure.
Flower x
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His kids are already affected because of his behaviour. As are you and your friend, who absolutely did the right thing. I tried to protect my abuser for decades and he slowly destroyed my friendships and my mental health. Can you contact your local women’s aid and perhaps citizens advice about possible debt and housing. The police and courts took the process out of my hands because I wasn’t in any fit state to defend myself I was so traumatised. Whatever the outcome, long term it will be better for you. It’s better to deal with the bonds of abuse sooner rather than later when we are just shells of people. If you’re asking about possible sentences, unless it’s extremely violent and repetitive I wouldn’t expect much punishment from the courts. Speak to victim support too x maybe this break is what you need to gather your thoughts and sort out the finances. Being dependent on them is how they keep us trapped x
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Yeah I know what you’re saying & it’s probably right I wouldn’t ever want to & it wouldn’t be fair to people who do have the courage & don’t want to get hurt anymore to have to keep suffering.
I just dread the thought of having to face up to it all & deal with everything alone.
I have no family where I am & everyone else is just becoming increasingly frustrated that I go back to him every time.Just the thought of having to pack up the house, find somewhere else & deal with all the emotional stress is just breaking me.
No I haven’t tried the helpline to be fair, I do work at the minute so I don’t think really there’d be much help I’d be able to get anyway. Everything just seems so overwhelming at the minute.
Sorry to moan!
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Sometimes a sympathetic ear that can explain your options really helps. I would still call WA, even if you have a job, they know these things inside out and if they can’t help, they will know who can. It is incredibly overwhelming but there is a way through it. I never thought I’d survive it, but I am in a much better place now than I was just some months ago. It’s hard and it will hurt but then it will start to get better and that all-consuming anxiety can even disappear – for days at a time!
It is often very difficult for those who have not been in our shoes to understand how hard it is to leave. It sounds like you may be trauma bonded to him. I went back to my ex many times, too. But your true friends will see you and stand by you and help you if you do decide to keep rolling with this process that has now started.
And remember, him being arrested is not your fault and it is not something that you need to fix. His very own behaviour is the reason he was arrested, his repeated behaviour is the very reason why this is now proceeding without a statement from you. It’s not your fault, only he is to blame for the position he is finding himself in.
Keep posting as much as you need to x
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KIP that sounds dreadful what you went through & AlwaysSorry it sounds as though you’ve been through a hell of ordeal too! So glad both of you are feeling better about your situations without your abusers. It would be lovely for crippling anxiety & constant worrying about everything to disappear, like its been said I just feel like a shell of who I used to be. I feel so weak atm & just permanently bewildered by everything.
I will try giving WA a call though it sounds like a much better idea than trying to figure it all out alone & just going round in circles. It’s worse because we’re on a joint tenancy & still have another (detail removed by moderator) months left on the contract. If anything does happen to him I’m just dreading how I’ll be able to sort everything by myself.Yeah, they make jokes about the abuse to try & make light of it, which I laugh off most days but it hurts when they’re saying they are just bored of hearing it. I’m not discussing hardly anything & don’t they think it’s boring living the life but like you say they just think it’s so easy to just leave. It isn’t..
But yes you are right about true friends, really does show you who’s properly there for you & you have to be so thankful to have those people!I know ultimately it’s his own actions which have landed him in this position again I just feel to blame. Even when I was sitting in hospital not so long ago I was feeling bad for him & thinking how this might impact his life when I’m the one left with the scars. I just would like any information from the police but it feels as though as they are avoiding making contact as strange as it sounds.
Thank you all btw for the replies!
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The police will be gathering evidence. As youre not prepared to assist or give a statement I don’t know how much they can tell you as they may see you as a hostile witness and might pass on information to the perpetrator. Your friend who reported the incident may have a better chance at getting some uptodate information from the police. I can imagine she’s really scared. It would be good if you could support her in some way x I know it’s overwhelming but lean on the people who are trying to help x keep trying the helpline. Women’s aid are a fantastic organisation x
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I was in a similar situation but it was me who spoke to the police. I had previously told them about an incident that happened in (detail removed by moderator) and they didn’t go forward with it and apparently I signed a statement to say I didn’t want it taken forward at the time and it would have been difficult to prove as it was all done in a car. So fast forward to (detail removed by moderator) and he grabbed my throat and the way he treated me the next day was terrible and with no respect so I went back to the police and only wanted to ask if something could go down on his record (as he has a previous conviction) and they have me an incident card no question. I was completely distraught and did everything I could to stop it as they said they would have to interview him even though there was no evidence. I refused to make a statement and still they interviewed him and took 9 weeks to do it and the day they did it they called me by accident looking for him and then asked me for his mobile number. Then afterwards the officer called me to tell me how much he loved me and that he wasn’t angry with me!!!! W*F? It really depends on who you get with the police and that’s what my women’s aid worker said. Some have practically no training at all. I would not go back to them as it made my stress levels go through the roof on top of an already very sensitive and difficult situation. Anyway, they did nothing and all he said was no comment. Now his parents are asking for stuff back from the house from me after all the support I’ve given him over the months it feels like I am in the wrong here and when I see him now he just scuttles off and won’t even look at me…
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Yeah I do understand that they may want to be keeping me out of the loop for that reason it just seems so strange when it’s effecting our lives & I just feel powerless. God knows how much he must be panicking.
Yes I know she was being a good friend when she reported what she did, she has her own things going on so I won’t be involving her anymore in this whole mess.
I will definitely give WA a call, I just feel as though I’ll freeze up & not really speak.And d**n Peacethroughhealing, that sounds incredibly frustrating. It must’ve been so difficult for them to just dismiss you & not listen when you needed them to. You’re non longer with him then? Definitely sounds a case of it depends on who you get! You are definitely right about how much more stressful them being involved makes everything! The only thing that gave me a bit of respite this time round was I knew he wasn’t going to be allowed near me again for another month when he was released but I felt more at peace with it, I think because I knew it was coming. They all were trying to be so nice but having 10 officers in your house all at once just to arrest 1 person & talk to you was overwhelming, now I just have no control & it’s awful!
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He must have done some terrible things for 10 officers to be at your house. The only good thing to come out of the police being involved is that he scuttles off whenever he sees me now and has stopped trying to get in touch. The trouble is he works in the same building as me and I missed him a lot when I was on holiday so I broke no contact a few days ago. He only got in touch with me recently to respond (when it suited him) so I know he is just at it controlling things. I was all ready to make a statement to the police but they ballsed it up again and failed to come out to me that morning and by the time I heard from them I had lost my nerve and couldn’t do it. The domestic abuse unit weren’t involved and they would only be if I reported everything (which was done in private) so it was a separate division that dealt with the particular incident I had talked about when he grabbed my throat and an officer with very little experience in domestic abuse. I’ve been told I should have made a complaint to the police but I have no energy left and don’t want to be involved with them again or have anything to do with them.
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