He’s begging for every chance

[Lionking]

He wants to join an abusers program. He is willing to speak to anyone. He knows its from his dad and his childhood. His mother is currently trying to leave his father and he’s helping her. The abuse has been psychological and emotional and is deep rooted in his family/conditioning.

What do I do?

Does anyone deserve a chance?

[minimeerkat]

bless your heart, only you know what is going to be the right thing for you to do here
i suppose a lot of it may depend upon exactly how much love or trust has been destroyed, & therefore whether you actually feel safe enough to be vulnerable with this person again
i know many abusers say they want or need help & sometimes it is only said to manipulate us further. but then its always possible that this person could genuinely want to help himself become a better person
it would probably take quite some time though to see authentic changes if he was to access help & support for his problems. so its important that you arent rushed or pressured into doing anything you are not ready for – if he is genuine, he will appreciate this & accept that you will need time
it might be really helpful to have some very strong boundaries in place if you do decide to give him another chance – his actual attitude & behaviour from now on will hopefully tell you everything you need to know x

[minimeerkat]

p.s also be aware that as much as he may wish to change, sadly some behaviours & beliefs are so very deeply ingrained that the person cannot actually be helped. sometimes there might appear to be some small improvements which can only be temporary. and if these small improvements do turn out to be more permanent, its whether they are actually enough for you to feel safe x

[Lisa]

Hi Lionking,

Understandably you are reaching out on this, as it’s a difficult situation to navigate.

Minimeerkat’s thoughtful reply provides really helpful points to consider. Ultimately, as mentioned, this has to be your decision, as you know him and your circumstances better than anyone. Statistically, we know though, that abusive partners tend not to change. There may be, as minimeercat explained, a brief time where the perpetrator seems to demonstrate more positive behaviour, but all too often, old patterns begin to emerge. It’s worth adding as well, that your abusive partner needs to be wanting to change, not as a reaction to feeling he may lose you, but as a real and genuine concern for his own behaviour.

Perhaps it would be useful for you to engage in The Freedom Programme. It is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK. More information about the Programme can be found on their website.

Your local domestic abuse service may be able to provide some on-to-one or group support which may bring clarity for you, so don’t hesitate to ask.

Keep posting here as well. And trust your gut. Hopefully more women will come through, sharing their experiences of an abusive partner promising to change.

Take care,

Lisa

[Good friendsarelikeangels]

My partner is also showing alot of remorse and love and it seems genuine. Since I, as directly as I could, told him what has gone on in our relationship is, i believe to be domestic abuse inc. sexual violence and rape. He said he’s horrified what he’s done, for me, and feels sick the impact of it. He says he doesn’t want to lose me and is willing to look at his stuff. He said he wants to do it for him but for us too. I’ve seen he make positive changes in his behaviour in other areas before now so I do believe it’s possible. But I feel like what the other lady mentioned, I don’t know if too much harm had been done now. I’m think im more confused than i realise. Damage has been done that I need to work through myself for me, I struggle to see how that’s possible while were together. I feel so sad about having to part ways though. I know it sounds cliche but it’s not all bad. He and we have positive parts too.
I’ve contacted a local rasac centre to refer myself for counselling. Ive joined this forum for support.
He’s never hit me. I honestly do believe he loves me. I can’t say 100% I don’t want to be with him anymore. Or maybe I just don’t have the courage at the moment to decide.
I think I’ll probs join a freedom program too. To help me get more clarity. I trust in time, if I’m looking at the truth I’ll see what’s right more easily. I hope so. I took a few days away from home this week at my mums and it really helped me see things clearer. I came home and told him why I can’t see us staying together. I’ve never challenged it/ him before that directly. I’ve always gone round the houses. Never had the courage incase it backfires and always doubt, am i imagining it, blowing it out of proportion? This time I’d contacted rasac and domestic abuse/ women’s aid phone line and chat and felt more sure of what was/ had gone on was abuse. I’m not sure how much I minimise it due to its nature not being as violent and awful as some I hear about.
He is going to contact perpetrator helpline for help himself. He said he determined to change how he is. Maybe I just don’t trust him with myself anymore too. With my feelings and thoughts etc. In which case however sad it makes me feel at the moment, I don’t want to keep putting myself through this torture.

[Lionking]

Thank you all for your amazing replies. I’m taking everything into account. I’m not in the UK but will look for something like the freedom programme in my locality so thanks for that.

So far my partner has fully accepted his abuse. He also sees it in his parents and has wept at the thought that his mum experienced this for (removed by moderator) years. He has applied for an abusers programme (removed by moderator) and is willing to engage fully with them. He has accepted our relationship is over and is looking for somewhere to live more permanently but nearby to our kids. He has asked me to keep him informed of any behaviours that make me feel uncomfortable. He has expressed a wish to fix all of it regardless of its effect on our relationship, but because he wants to be a better person. He says he sees the effects of the abuse on our children and he is so happy that this has all happened because now he can break the cycle of abuse.

In the meantime, I’m not holding my breath and will begin work on myself and concentrate on that regardless of any “progress” he makes. I have a lot of healing to do and know that my childhood, while not to blame, made me the perfect candidate for an abusive relationship – I ended up living with my n**********c mother (removed by moderator) after most people leave home. I also went straight from living with my mother to living with my partner: something which my partner brought up and said how sorry he was about it.

Thank you all for reading and responding x

[Author]

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