7th February 2016 at 8:27 pm #9274
Well he’s got me now !!
I have to do what he says as he is blackmailing me
We are moving home 😢
He is being so so nice at the mo and he is moving into a flat this week.
He doesn’t want me to get any orders out as has promised things will be ok if I move home.
Feeling so sick at the thought of leaving the refuge , but can t tell anyone 😢
So hard part of me feels like I’m giving myself back to him and the other half thinks he is being genuine and really cares about me and our little girl.
Got to get things sorted to head back this week!
This lovely safe feeling was so amazing while we had it
I’ve failed 😢😢
7th February 2016 at 8:41 pm #9277Falling SkysParticipant
Don’t listen to him, talk to your support worker he’s head working you.
Don’t doubt your gut filling.
7th February 2016 at 8:51 pm #9280lover of no contactParticipant
Remember ‘the bleach incident’. How he used bleach to hurt you. You can’t go back, you can’t leave your little girl with him, if you go back and he hurts you for good.
He’s blackmailing you to scare you into ‘becoming his victim again’.
Blackmailing is an easy tactic for him as its only words he has to utter to scare you. Threats are easy to make for the abuser, much harder to carry out.
You can’t control his behaviour (threats etc) but you yourself do have choices. You can choose do not do want he wants but ring Women’s Aid instead and tell them how he’s blackmailing you. They probably will have heard it all before as our abusers all have similar patterns, they aren’t very original in their abuse tactics.
Always do the opposite to what the abuser wants, that is my rule of thumb. My abuser never wants whats best for me, in fact he only wants to hurt, harm, worry and upset me and eventually destroy me mentally and maybe (as in your case with the bleach) physically.
7th February 2016 at 9:06 pm #9284
Are you going to let him bribe you to make you do as he wants that is just more abuse from him
He is not able to say he does not want an order as it is not up to him at all
If you just disappear from the refuge what will happen is that they will be very worried about you and your child and will have to inform police and social services and that will not look good around doing the right thing for your child
You can not keep talking to him as he you know he gets in your head and twists you all up in knots again
What ever he is holding over your head can you talk to your worker about it ?
Your life and safety is more precious than what ever you think the worse he can do with his bribery . Holding you to ransom to make you return is not being caring or genuine it is more abuse
You know who he is an abuser and what he has done to you abuse and that is the real real him
Hope you can stay strong and keep you both safe
Big hugs x*x
7th February 2016 at 9:14 pm #9286
Call the helpline now if you need to talk to someone about what is going on for you to help you think clearly 0808 2000 247
7th February 2016 at 9:52 pm #9293
He’s known you a lot longer than us moon so he knows your weak spot,
Now I can tell you for sure only ABUSER’S use their partner’s biggest fear or worse old mistake etc against them, so we might not know him at all but we know what he is.
You don’t have to do what he says at all moon,
since leaving you are now in charge of what you do and don’t do. I know after time of being with someone as demanding as he sounds, his words are in your head and carry such weight by habit,fear, knowledge of what has gone before etc but stop and think calmly here with us a while.
Is the different building you all live together in should he get his demands here met going to make the slightest difference to his behaviour?
I don’t see how it can moon, other than to later blame or punish you for ” making you all have to move” in the first place.
Have you been given the ” we will all move again and start a fresh” empty promise? Because you can’t start a fresh moon, all you can do is take big steps back in the progress you have made, and the big steps back could cost you so dearly.
Of course he doesn’t want any orders against him,
It’s out then -what he is, and people are aware- abusers can only continue to abuse like he is if they can keep you silent.
Those feeling you have, it’s your instincts, your body’s natural response to the situation you now face, don’t dismiss your instincts, they are there to keep you safe and right now they are warning you tgey sense danger.
Finally moon, please don’t just up and leave without telling your support worker and your IDVA.
No one is going to make you stay there if you don’t want to but they may help you to realise you don’t want to or aren’t ready to go back yet.
Moon, you haven’t failed, not at all and I’m glad you have felt and been safer for the three weeks you have, you can now see there is another option for you from what you fled, I hope.
Finally – what ever he is holding against you, however bad-( and I doubt it is as damming as he is making it out to be) will lose it’s power when no longer secret. I don’t care what he has to blackmail you with moon I would say, so what, it’s in the past and right now your present and future, and that of your daughter is what you are concentrating on,
Hang in there moon,
Three weeks is fantastic but you are not strong enough and recovered enough yet,
Returning with no protection orders is not a sensible option moon,
X x x
7th February 2016 at 9:53 pm #9294
I will not just leave the refuge , I have to convince them that it’s my choice to return.
He wants me to get legal advice against ss as he says I’m an adult and they are bullying me into getting orders when I don’t want to!
I feel like I can’t tell anyone how he is blackmailing me as am both scared and ashamed 😢😢
We were doing so well and have survive all the other tactics he has tried until now !
I’ve promised him we will return in nx 2 wks and he said that’s fine to wait
Ps will try helpline now thank you x
7th February 2016 at 10:08 pm #9297
The only reality here is He’s the one bullying you right now.
and be very wary about him setting you up to go to battle against social services.
What’s happening there with them, I bet they are impressed with your current safeguarding- why let his jeopadise that.
Yep, he’s counting on you feeling too embarrassed and scared for what he is blackmailing you on to be spoken to anyone, that’s how this works,
You can see what he’s doing moon,
Hang in there tight, 2 weeks longer is two weeks stronger
X x x
7th February 2016 at 10:11 pm #9298
Thank you for your reply I think we posted at the same time 😀
I’ve been here (removed by moderator) now … Amazing feeling well it was ….
I have to get things in place tomor and now speak to Him each day to confirm this !
He is so in my head at mo – thinks of we can wait 6months until ss out way and dust to settle everything will be ok/ he has made me miss him and also made me cry by saying things !!
It’s not past things he is blackmailing me with its very recent and also blackmailing me about repercussions if I don’t follow all this through.
I really don’t know what to do.
I did get out really early Friday morning with my little girl just upped and left but the refuge manager came in mega early that day and we bumped into her ! Ggrr and she emailed ss with concerns.
Just feel like I have to move back and get on with it – he is still has the power and control over me !!!
7th February 2016 at 10:14 pm #9300
What ever it is it will not be something new that one of us or more have not been involved in or forced to do
Nothing he has over you is that bad nothing and he is not going to carry out the threat as he is most likely involved too
He can’t post pictures of you online as he will be I trouble
And him using blackmail I think is a crime on his part too
Please take a big step back he has proven he does not love care or respect you trust that to be the truth
Big hugs x*x
7th February 2016 at 10:22 pm #9301
Hi saving myself
You have no idea how much I needed that virtual big hug right now.
I am a rubbish liar and feel I have to lie to respond to his demands!
His blackmail is bad Hun 😢 That’s why I am doing what I am told …. Again !!
7th February 2016 at 10:33 pm #9303
What ever it is he holds over you, is probably not as damming and damaging as what will happen if you don’t stand firm and keep both you and your daughter safely away from him, that the truth of it.
When you really don’t know what to do – you do nothing and stay put there,
Watch how the nice and reasonable and genuinely caring suddenly switches back to Mr nasty when he doesn’t get his own way.
More recent, anything prior to leaving is the past and if it’s since
Well you have coped so well despite going through hell,
So don’t be sucked in,
The main thing is you have taken your daughter away where you are safe from harm and she can relax and enjoy being a chikd without having to worry about her mum being hurt.
4 weeks, even more impressive, please don’t let it be in vain.
X x x
7th February 2016 at 10:35 pm #9304
Aw Moon Hun
In your head it’s will much feel worse than it really is
I could be blackmailed by stuff I have done but you know if it came down to the safety of my life and being exposed I would choose my life
And I don’t believe he will carry out his threat
Big big Big hugs x*x
7th February 2016 at 10:46 pm #9306
Random question …..
Does anyone know what would happen to my little girl if anything happens to me ???
I haven’t got a will xx
7th February 2016 at 11:07 pm #9307godschildParticipant
If he is threatening repurcusions if you don’t do as he says, he will not be changed if you move back to be with him. You have done so well by staying away for this time. There must be someone you can confide in with what he is using to blackmail you with. stay where you are and get the help you need, you cant think of moving back to someone who is threatening you like this.
You have your Daugther to think of You need to keep straight and honest with everyone , especialy SS, do you have to have contact with him at all, is it illegal what you have done if not he has nothing on you that you cant work through.
8th February 2016 at 12:00 am #9309Winterblues2Participant
Without a will she will be with her father unless the courts have solid reasons to believe that this in not in her interests. Otherwise she would be with your parents or family.
Please don not go back moon, we are all genuinely concerned for your safety as you clearly are too.
Whatever he has on you is not worth your life. X
8th February 2016 at 9:50 am #9317
All I’m saying is don’t risk it.
Don’t go against social services on abuse.
They will take your daughter. They can take her without going to court. Its called emergency safeguarding. They Will just turn up on your doorstep without warning and take her and put her in foster care.
Then you will have to go to court to get her back.
I know many women this has happened to.
Please please stay in the refuge and stop contact with him. He is getting into your head and manipulating you with fears and lies.
The shame you feel for the blackmail is nothing compared to the pain of having your daughter taken away because you went home and didn’t follow social services guidance. Please put your daughter first before your shame and his demands.
8th February 2016 at 10:27 am #9321Confused123Participant
Blackmailing u about what hun? he clearly has not changed already putting u under pressure under his terms, please speak your support advisor about how she can help you, never forget this is the man that hurt u with bleach, he thinks by moving out and getting a new place u will move in, dont , dont move in without occupancy order and a non mol issued , he knows that by saying u can have house which u so need u will come back, my ex family said same i can move bk in and he will move out, my body gave me a gut instinct warning it was a trick, do not ignore your gut instinct. you will get the house eventually but on your terms what advise has s services given u
8th February 2016 at 10:53 am #9327AyannaParticipant
What can he really do, Moon????
We are often afraid and worry about things that are not worth worrying in the end. If you have concerns he has you in any way legally and that he could ruin your life, call Rights of Women. Use their callback function in order to get through to them. They are free lawyers who can advise you and might be able to eliminate your concerns.
8th February 2016 at 4:39 pm #9351SerenityParticipant
Fear tactics and bullying.
They think they can control you and get you to do exactly as they want by doing this.
Ignore him. Log everything, ask for all the help you can and get your power back.
“There is nothing to fear except fear itself.”
Fear paralyses us and keeps us stuck and prevents us from going after things which are within our rights.
Abusers scare us, but we must fight against that fear.
Under it all, they are weak cowards, and they step up the abuse when they feel their power slipping away.
You are a stronger person than him x
8th February 2016 at 4:43 pm #9353
Hi Moon Talk to us. We’ve all been through it. Please let us help and support you.
It’s not worth going back. If he really cared about you and your daughter he would back off and leave you alone to get sorted with independence and alcohol recovery and apply for contact with his child throught social services and the court.
Please don’t give in to him.
9th February 2016 at 9:40 am #9365
I’m am trying so talk to you all tl and without all your help and support – I don’t know how I would have survived this horrible rollercoaster.
I am supposed to be sorting everything to get us back, but I am a rubbish liar and struggling to convince everyone this is what I want ! 😢
Had a whole night without a drink last night , first time In ages !!😀
Had a rubbish sleep though nightmares and cold sweats and little girl is also having nightmares 😢
Feel I need to deal with this before I return.
But we have got to be back next week
He won’t be there so I will not breaking any agreement with ss as long as he doesn’t come back.
Omg I just don’t know what to do xx
9th February 2016 at 9:57 am #9369Doglover99Participant
This is just a quick message but reading all the above, please please Moon don’t go back. We are all worried for your and your daughter’s safety and it seems so are you. Nothing can be as bad as your daughter growing up with her abusive father or in foster homes if something happens to you. Trust your gut instinct and don’t listen to anything he says. If he’s blackmailing you, that’s a criminal offence regardless of what you may have done. I’m sure it’s not anywhere near as bad as what he’s making it out to be. Don’t listen to him, block him, ask for help at the refuge and from your social workers. They know something is wrong already probably since you say you’re not a good liar. Your gut tells you not to go back, trust yourself and stay at the refuge where you feel safe and where there are people who will listen and help you.
Why do you say you need to go back next week? Because he says so? You do what YOU want to do, what YOU think is the right thing for you and your daughter. If in doubt, speak to the people around you. They will be able to see the situation the way it is and guide you through it. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to!!!
Keep posting. We are all here to support you.
9th February 2016 at 10:09 am #9372godschildParticipant
Don’t go back moon, tell everyone what he is doing to you in blackmailing you, your little girl could be at risk of being taken by SS if yo go against them , she is more important that anything to you, what is it he is blackmailing you for, is it illegal, get advise, if yo want to share what it is I swear I am cofindential if you want to PM me, it will go no further, I dont even know your real name or who your are if you want to see what i think, only trying to support you its awful being blackmailed , you can share anything xxxx
9th February 2016 at 4:56 pm #9388
You haven’t told us what he is using against you to make you go back.
Who said that you are supposed to sort it? Don’t listen to him! I really cannot impress upon you more not to lie. Don’t lie to the refuge or social services. It will only come back and hurt you worse and your daughter.
Well done for not drinking. What you felt is the withdrawal from alcohol combined with the effects of the abuse. It’s normal and it will pass if you stay away from him.
You can implicitly break the agreement with social services if he still is on the tenancy/mortgage, he still has keys, you haven’t changed the locks and you don’t have the orders in place.
Please please don’t mess with social services. So many women I have met have had their children taken because they maintained contact with the abuser/perpetrator all is takes is one more incident and they will take her.
Please please stay in the refuge and if you have to return let them sort it out. They can get the locks changed and security increased at your home.
Don’t go back home without things in place.
9th February 2016 at 5:23 pm #9389White RoseParticipant
You’ve been doing really great away from him – just look at the progress you’ve made and the difference in your daughter. You obviously love her to bits and want to keep her safe but if you go back to him who’s to say he won’t hurt her as he’s hurt you? Think about what would happen to her if anything happened to you.
This “blackmail” may feel like blackmail and may be really scary but actually it’s an abuser you’re dealing with and we all know how they twist the truth and lie to terrify us. I bet it’s all rubbish – it’s more of his abuse so don’t fall for it.
You really must put your safety and that of your daughter first. PLEASE, PLEASE talk to someone who can see through your fears and support you to stay strong. Someone at the refuge would be good as they have got to know you, or social services, or the police if he is harassing you.
Several ladies have said social services will take your chid into foster care if you put her at risk – they are absolutely right. Don’t let yourself get into that situation as it will be lot harder to get out of and will take time to get her back, plus it will be so distressing for her to be away from her mummy.
Keep strong and don’t let him abuse you any more – you deserve so much more from life than danger and pain and threats xx
9th February 2016 at 7:22 pm #9395
I love my little girl more than life itself, and your right life has been hard but so good to be safe since we left – hard to always feel safe though if that makes sense because of him!
I know that I’m walking away for a lot and the thought of leaving is making me have that big old knot back in my stomach.
But I feel like I have to return 😢
Lisa am I allowed to say how he is blackmailing me??
Just feel like there is no one I can honestly explain to as am so scared of repercussions
9th February 2016 at 9:13 pm #9405LisaMain Moderator
It’s hard for me to say if you can or can’t post this information without knowing what it is.
If you would like to private message me I can then let you know if it’s appropriate for you to post it on here.
I would not advise writing on the public forum exactly what he is saying as that could identify you.
Also, if it is in relation to a current or upcoming court case then you also should not post it.
Please also remember you can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a support worker in confidence. It can sometimes really help to talk things through.
9th February 2016 at 7:52 pm #9396
Feel like we are now going backwards instead of forwards and all those pictures in my head of our little house just me and my little girl and going 😢
I’m a failure in many ways – need to put a big smile on and shout out yes it’s my decision and I want to move home – am just avoiding everyone as they can all see through me !!
Have also now opened a bottle of wine !! 😢😢xx
9th February 2016 at 8:21 pm #9397
Moon, I know it’s hard making the right decision because you have probably got a lot of things to consider, your job, your home, your daughter, him and the list goes on no doubt.
Break it down to small pieces here with us and we will put our experienced minds together for safe resolutions.
Don’t put anything that will indetify you,
Like what you do for a living, anything that if he read( because the message board is a public forum ) he could work out it was you.
Better to be safe, some ladies have said before that they feel their partners must have tried looking them up on here.
So to start you off- have you managed to get some time off work? And do you own or jointly own your own home or is it rented?
Moon , check your messages too
X x x
9th February 2016 at 8:21 pm #9398
I have tried desperately to reply to your pm 😢
I can read any pm’s but it won’t let me reply keeps saying there is a problem ggrr
Not sure if I can post my private email ??
Sorry Daisy but was worried by something and need to ask you ??
Anyone else that has pm so sorry but can’t respond 😢😢
So need this to work and don’t know why it doesn’t x
9th February 2016 at 8:37 pm #9400
Only by private message, don’t put your email address here,
Log out and log back in moon, see if that helps you private message x x x
9th February 2016 at 9:42 pm #9407
I really need some help Daisy and Lisa o can’t reply – I’ve logged out and tried again 😢😢😢x*x
9th February 2016 at 9:52 pm #9409
Hi Moon try to start a new private message instead of replying to an old one. Please try to call the helpline also. They always ring back if you are safe in a refuge protected from the abuser.
Don’t give up. Keep saying to yourself in the mirror that you are a strong woman and that you and your daughter deserve better than to be controlled by him.
I would rather die homeless and starving on the street that return under the control of my abusive ex-husband. He is not worth it but you and your daughter are worth everything.
Every moment of freedom is precious and if you need some encouragement: pour that bottle down the drain or loo.
10th February 2016 at 8:13 am #9431Confused123Participant
HOpe u can log in now, i tend to log in then go straight to bottom of pages where all topics listed then message that way,i know its silly but sometimes u cant reply or get through to someone, i randomly try to message any one if i cant log in till i get through to person im trying to communicate with , hope u ok , thinking of u
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