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I type this with no energy. I’ve not slept and I feel ill but I have to go to work today. I met him and just wanted to hold him and cuddle him and he’s finished with me. He wanted to meet and talk about his counselling sessions which I don’t believe he’s had. He said they’ve all advised him to stay away from me so I went all the way up to meet him despite him being scared of me and what I could do to him and his family and he ended it to cruelly hurt me. Then threw messages later if his much he will always love me and that we both just need to move on now from all the pain. He’ll have someone else lined up. I feel so ill. I won’t get through this. Agreed everything he has done and all the love and support and I gave him and he ends it.
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I’m really struggling this morning. Please get in touch. I broke my heart for weeks after I went to the police so as not to hurt him. I loved him so much. All that for nothing. He’s let me go after everything we shared together. All the help and support I gave to him and his family. Destroyed. I feel so I’ll this morning. I won’t be able to get through this.
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This resonates and it hurts so very much that you think you won’t get through it. You almost don’t want to get through it. I know. It’s the worst and it’s cruel. But the seconds and minutes tick on and although the pain is so great that it feels tangible, you have no choice. It’s hard. You are forced to confront the pain every second. I know. And you have my sympathy. No one should feel the way we do. Very few understand which makes it worse. I know the lack of sleep and the sick feeling. The constant battling against tears. I absolutely yearn to be able to meet mine after he ghosted me so cruelly whilst I had a miscarriage. I yearn to get that text. I don’t think I ever will which hurts me but I expect Tiffany is right. Meeting and having that text is major contact which sets you back. It’s so hard, but I trust the ladies on here. It feels devastating now, but I trust those who are here who clearly understand and have been through it that it must get better. It’s a waiting game and we’ve all got our own pace. When you hurt, just post here. I was so close to doing something last night and I posted here instead. I feel bad as I’m just always a grovelling hot mess, but the ladies here are so kind and patient and want to help you through it and help you get perspective even as you insist and make excuses for them. I know they are right. I cannot yet trust my judgement whilst he’s still got a hold on me and the way to break that is NC. It sounds os unsatisfactory because we just want them to change and see the light but they are defective, they can’t. If they could you wouldn’t be on this board. You would be able to talk to him, but you can’t as there’s no reasoning with these people x
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I’m so sorry PTH! He was the one who abused you and now he gets to reject you. It’s a double whammy and he has done this to make you think that YOU are the one who is in the wrong. It’s another tactic to bring you down and question everything that has happened. Don’t be fooled by this. He is the abusive one. You can and will get through this. The pain must be astronomical but it doesn’t mean what he did to you was not real. Every time you want to contact him post here instead. Hopefully you can get some sleep. When we don’t get rest our emotions are all over the place. Can you go to your doctor or book in with a psychologist? You have to get through this moment by moment. You are grieving a c****y person but it doesn’t mean the greif is not real. Sending lots of love xx
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Hi PTH, I messaged you this morning after reading your second post – I really hope you’re okay! I hope you’ve been able to catch up on sleep today. I know how you feel – my ex ended things with me after he assaulted me, over text no less. He said he was doing it because he is not well and needs help, and doesn’t want to ever hurt me again. It took me a while to understand that he did exactly what I needed him to do. He cut himself out of my life because I could never find the strength to do it – whenever we broke up in the past it always sent me into a mad downward spiral that would take me at least 6 months to recover from. Had he not let me go, I would never have realised that letting him go was the best thing imaginable for me. He abused me emotionally and mentally for years, then he abused me physically when he was out of control. I could never trust him again, the loving, trusting and healthy relationship we had at the beginning was as dead as disco. It would never ever make me happy again.
It will take you time, maybe even a long time, but you WILL feel this way about your situation eventually. With each day that goes by, where you sleep a little more, do a little more, laugh a little more, feel a little less anxious, cry a little less, breathe a little easier – you will realise that the time passing is making this easier, and you are healing. Go No Contact, you need that space to find yourself again as we lose ourselves in these DA relationships. Direct all that love and attention onto yourself. Treat yourself. Be kind to yourself. I promise you it will get easier until one day you feel like a weight has been completely lifted off your shoulders. I can’t promise you will stop loving him or missing him, but I do know from my own experience that those feelings calm down and become more bearable, they stop dictating your life and moods so much.
In the meantime, you have us, and we will hold your hand every step of the way x
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Thank you so much for responding to me. I was in a bit of a mess this morning before work. It comes in waves for me. Sometimes I feel that I am better off without him (not very often) and then I miss him so much and think about all the good things we did together. I will post more as it helps a lot because you have all been through the same and know the process. I absolutely know that no contact is the best way forward because I can’t reason with him and he is not rational. That is the frustrating thing and it is so difficult and hard to try and get my head around that. How the man could do everything for me and worship the ground I walked on to turn the way he has done like a different person. My whole world turned upside down. I wanted to spend my life with him. He still has me dangling on a string and I agreed to meet him (detail removed by moderator) and it was just to stick the knife in even deeper. I sat there with him (detail removed by moderator) for (detail removed by moderator) and I told him how much I loved and cared for him still despite everything and that all I wanted was to be happy because life is too short. I said if we could put things behind us and both move forward and stop going into the past and feeling bitter then we could do it. I laid my heart on the line and it’s not enough for him and he started bringing up what I had done…and what the ‘counsellors’ had advised him to do. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was recording me. I didn’t react and just listened to him when he said all of this and I just said okay well let me walk away then and I got up and walked back to my car and drove home. (detail removed by moderator) messages followed and then an email to my work (detail removed by moderator). Why not just say it’s over, I involved the police, and that’s it. Why meet up to tell me all of this and then send messages and an email still clinging on. I suppose to make him look good if the phone messages were ever looked at by the police. It’s such a shame because he is on self destruct and he sabotages everything good that he has…I know I have to keep remembering how badly he has treated me after the past few months and how bad that has affected me mentally. x
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Colouringinfairy I understand what you mean about the trust being gone. I have little respect for him now and I’m sure he lies to suit himself. He no longer adores me it feels like he despises me. I don’t think you can get that back and I’m sure he will just move on to someone who he can pretend with again until the real him rears his ugly head. Thanks for your private message too. x
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PTH, you are spot on there, this is exactly what they do, move on to hide, be with someone who doesnt see their BS and cold, callous, selfish ways. He will never be happy, because its just not within him, it was never you, always him and his behaviour, the next woman will now have the same head wreck and feel utterly broken, these men should come with a government health warning!
I agree with Faraway, he did this to leave you thinking it was your fault and to hurt you. He wants you to feel the pain of rejection; and he wants to mess with your head with the texts and emails which is also an attempt at him trying to leave the door open with you should he ever want you for anything in the future.
Your heart wants the lovely part of him, but now you know the person he really is, you know that you cant have the lovely part of him without the dreadful and you do not want this kind of man.
Do what you need to do to get through now and try not to look back too often, make it all about you now for a while. Sounds like it might help to spend some time thinking about why it was done for you, when the end started and why, what was it about him you didn’t like – so that you can get to a place where you have decided ‘yes I am done’ in your heart x
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I hope you’re feeling a bit stronger PTH.
Seeing him will sting after all he’s done.
It will get better in time and if he’s cutting off contact then it will make it easier but it will hurt none the less. It almost feels like he wanted to get one last jab in to hurt you even more. It’s best to cut him off as his toxicity will destroy you eventually. You need time to heal and recover. Contact with him will be opening the wound. I know it’s hard. I know I couldn’t trust myself if I saw my ex as I’m still weak. Even watching a drama on coercive control in a relationship today has reopened the wound and I feel very low tonight.
I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I’d seen my ex. Probably I’d be a wreck and cave in.
You will get through this as I hope we all will x -
Ladies on here have advised me to send one final message to say do not contact me again or approach me in work. I’m not there yet but I have to do it soon in response to his messages otherwise if he doesn’t get in contact again then it looks a bit odd me sending it when he’s not in contact. Mornings and weekends are so difficult. I miss his cuddles and just holding him. He has destroyed everything and said I have to admit the part I played in it all. I really don’t think he feels that he has done anything wrong. That’s one of the hardest things to get my head around. He is so disillusioned and thinks he’s the wounded party. He does admit what he’s done. It’s not that he denies it but we are both at fault apparently. Then I start to doubt myself because I’m not perfect by any means. The pain in my stomach and gut is so bad with stress over it all. When I went to the police I spent (detail removed by moderator) breaking my heart not wanting them to interview him as I knew this would happen and he’s left me anyway. We had all these things lined up to do together and I’m sure he’ll be with someone else at them. I helped to save his life from alcohol and this is how he repays me. I feel devastated and so lonely
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How do I lift myself out of this? Weekends are so bad for me. I miss him so so much and I had a hope that we would be back together and he would take my offer and tell me hiw much he loved me too. When I lived with him and his mum and dad he couldn’t do enough for me. I ruined this. He would bring my coffee in the morning, make my lunch, drive me to work. We’d have dinner together and laugh and love then I bought my house out away from him to be near my parents and things changed and he got worse and they can’t go back to where they were now I know that. I really don’t trust him and the lies just fall off his tongue now. Drip off him. I still miss what was though and all the things that we did. I just want him back with me and my heart feels like it’s breaking all over again and it’s so painful. I’m just sitting here feeling so hurt and used and made a fool of. I spent months helping him in his recovery. If he meets someone else now it will be another way to say look I’m with someone and I’m not abusive I’m a good person and what’s she talking about. I blame myself
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Sweetheart, you didnt ruin it for him; you were responding to his behaviour and the difficulties in the relationship. Took me about 3-4 months to start to see it more and more for what it was, him not me, at first I thought about where did I go wrong here, I wrote an honest list of all the things I did over the several years that could have caused him to feel aggrieved with me and I struggled to get 11 – then I wrote out his list and I gave it up in the 50s – kind of made it clear to me. I did get an opportunity to share my list with him and asked him if there was anything he could think of that I’d missed off and he said no, think that’s about it. I said I’d like to apologise for these things, draw a line so we can move forwards for our child, he agreed. I said can we have respect and honesty for our child moving forwards, otherwise I cant see how we will be able to communicate sucessfully for her, he agreed.
Twenty minutes later he put my child at risk by prioritising his own selfish needs and lied to me about it the following day when I questioned him about it after our child had told me what had happened the night before. This was when I cut contact for good – dont regret that – he still to this day blames me for being immature to others and says its because I am jealous – taking no responsibilty whatsoever for that night or the string of other things that happnened before this that led to me cutting contact – they have to be the victim to others don’t they – to save face.
Give yourself a couple of months, be kind to yourself, give yourself what you need whatever that is, and read, research, make sense of it all and what the hell happened. It’s normal for a responsible person to give time to thinking about where did I go wrong, there were two of us in this relationship and thus we are equally responsible for the failure of it – yes when there is not abuse maybe, but when there is abuse the responsibilty always lies with the perpertraitor – so I imagine it is no different here for you either. Looking forward to reading your posts down the line when you have washed this man right out of your hair! xx
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If it lets him feel superior in some way by ending it – let him have that, you dont need this. What you need is to get to a place where for you it feels done, that is all that matters, that’s what important here. You dont need to say anything to go no contact, you cn just do it, personally I think it kills them more to not know what you think and feel by just not responding – they tend to hate being ignored most x
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If he thinks he’s won something here it can give you the space you need to try and recover a bit too. I often think it would have been better for me if he’d ended it because it was the rejection he felt that turned him into an even worse monster, although I’m not sure he would have ended it because he knew he was onto a good thing and as he never really had an intimate, open and honest relationship with me ever really he never missed that when I withdrew, he only missed what I did for him, never me, it was me who craved the intimacy, not him. Might be better for you to think ‘let him get on with it – it’s going to be about me now’ or something like. Just throwing it out there for you to consider x
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this is where you need to be very strong minded. its not that simple i know. so i learned to do this at work because i had to deal with hard things -so i had a cut off point – when isaw thesign for home that was seperate. so i did the same kinda with this situation. in my minds eye i see him for who i feel he is. he is cold and and incapable person i see him as a nobody. that took time but overtime thats truely what i feel and think of him xxxx not sure if thishelps xxxx
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Thank you for replying. I absolutely agree with everyone who says no contact is the only way to go. Every time I see him it just sets me back ten fold. I feel a bit better today because I haven’t seen him in my building and his messages have stopped. It comes in waves for me and weekends are really terrible which sounds so sad because I work all week and Saturday and Sunday are the days I should be relaxing but my anxiety was so bad on Saturday into Sunday. I had so many vivid dreams about him and what he has done and my stomach was in knots. I know I need to remove myself from him as there is no reasoning with him and he is not rational. It would be a constant battle with him and I just don’t have the energy for all the games anymore. It’s true that I still crave what was so much but I doubt that is ever coming back and it’s heartbreaking but I am exhausted trying.
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So after him telling me he has to end it and draw a lie under things and we go our separate ways…he has sent me 4 messages, an email to my work and now another message today asking me if there is anything that I want to talk to him about or say and that he hopes I’m well. W*F! I am so exhausted with all of these mind games and all I want is a peaceful life and to be happy. I can’t live like this anymore up and down. I had a terrible weekend again full of anxiety, knots in my stomach and vivid dreams about things he has done. At least that is coming out in my sleep but I felt so unwell on Saturday into Sunday. I know deep down that he loves me but he isn’t capable of having a normal loving relationship sadly because he needs the control and chaos to keep him going.
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