Hes making it so hard

[Losingbattle]

So after splitting hes still in the house. I agreed he could sleep on the sofa until he found somewhere. But hes showing no signs of even looking. Plus he keeps making emotional comments about how he doesn’t want to split up. He made a comment saying I’m making him feel like I don’t want him here. Truth is, I don’t. I didn’t say that to him, I’m not nasty. I’m trying to keep things civil but hes making it so hard. Hes obviously holding out waiting for me to change my mind. I don’t want him but I’m scared that I’m going to fall back into the trap I’m going to be back to square one again

[Eggshells]

Hi Loosingbattle.

It sounds like you are going to need some help and advice. Do you have a keyworker from your local DV charity?

If not, you can find your local charity by using this link https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ or you can call WA.

I think that you said in your last thread that you were prepared to move out if necessary? Your local DV worker should be able to help you with an exit plan. As you have suspected, he’s not going anywhere; he never intended to. In his head, he believes he can win you round. The attempts to get back with you will be ceaseless now. The sooner you get out the better.

[Losingbattle]

I find it so difficult talking to people about my problems face to face. I do suffer from anxiety so it really flares up. I have however sent an email to the womens aid organisation to try and get some advice or help. Thank you eggshells for the kind support

[Eggshells]

Yes, I understand that anxiety and the feeling that you cannot talk about it. You are doing amazingly well. You have made the firsts steps by talking about it in written form.

If it is difficult for you to voice it all, I wonder about trying the new “Chat” facility that Women’s Aid have? I’m just a little worried that emails can slip down the priority list. xx

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

[Wiseafter]

I just want to say that I also found it really hard to talk to people, get help and open up. Panic and anxiety as a reaction to his words and behaviour is completely normal and can be totally overwhelming and stop you taking any action. However, if you can take the step, talking to professionals, talk to your GP about some counselling support, get some legal advice or trust a close friend or family member who has your back and who can offer an objective view and help you to focus on the facts and what YOU want to achieve and YOUR needs and objectives, is really helpful and takes some of the isolation and confusion away. Since opening up only recently I have been able to go from feeling trapped and alone to understanding that I am not responsible for where my ex lives, his belongings, how he lives, his words or behaviour. That I must focus on myself and shift the power if I am to move on. It also shows him that I am not isolated like he wants me to be because now others are involved. I agree with eggshells, the sooner you can get support and take control the better. He will just continue to wear you down, or abuse you until you are trapped all over again. Let us know how you get on x

[KIP.]

He’s going absolutely nowhere. He’s always managed to wear you down and bully and manipulate you before and he thinks he can do the same again. When he realised he cannot change your mind his abuse will escalate to violence. It’s a dangerous time for you so be guided by women’s aid. Get some advice about an occupation order where you have him removed. Or lie to him and tell him you want a trial separation if he moves out then you change your mind. Women on average return 7 times to an abusive relationship so don’t underestimate how hard it is to break free. If he won’t move out then you should do so. Safely and without his knowledge x

[RedGiraffe]

Hi, I’ve just gotten out of a situation very much like yours! I ended the relationship and he stayed on my sofa for a while (a lot longer than I had anticipated).
I opened up to my GP who then referred me to a support worker (who has been amazing emotional support for me). I took a bag of things (docs, clothes, children’s things) to a safe place so I had a quick exit should I need it – I would suggest this as leaving the relationship is the most dangerous time for us!
I then gave him a deadline! As this date neared I could see he still wasn’t going anywhere so I started looking at my options to leave and found somewhere to private rent – he realised this and moved himself a few days later, therefore I have kept my house. I’m not saying all situations go through quite like this and Altho it took longer than I wanted it also went more smoothly than I expected!

We’ve also kept things friendly so the sake of children – this has shown sometimes difficult as it does allow access back into my head, but I’m stronger now and I know the signs and I’d like to think I wouldn’t fall for it again, but it’s still early days!

I wish you all the best, I just wanted to comment my situation as it was very much like yours x

[bumbum]

You could cal the police to forceably remove him and his things. I understand that is extreme though. Particularly if your scared of how he might act. You don’t owe it to him to be nice or to let him stay though. Your happiness and safety is most important.

[Losingbattle]

I’ve been talking to my mum today and I am planning on leaving a few bits at hers just incase. She doesn’t really have any room but if it comes to fleeing I can go there with the kids. Today has been a particularly bad one. As soon as I went out and didn’t text back when he wanted he started sending abusive messages accusing me of being with a man. This led to him swearing when I got in and telling me how horrible he thinks my daughter is. She wasn’t here to hear it thank god. Hes very money orientated. Hense the reason I have so much debt. So he has said if I get him £(detail removed by Moderator) for a bond he will leave. I’m tempted to give him it out of my own bill money just to get rid of him

[Author]

Posts