He’s making me feel guilty

[Itwastimetostopit]

Our relationship had to end it was so unhealthy. His anger was getting worse.
On edge all time my stomach in big anxious knot.

I was worried he would hit me again, he did it when said we over. He used to do then for long long time didn’t. Guess that lulled me into thinking things were better than they were before.
The arguments were nearly daily got to point I stopped trying to stick up for myself. Was effecting the kids

But it’s the emotional and control that I learnt was still abuse. Guess I got so used to it .
The changes in him when I was going out. I would go anyway but the fallout became normal .
Although last few months I couldn’t cope so cancelled plans with friends.

Accused me of affairs even though some weeks I had one day off.

His actions lately have been scary.

He’s now gone but still blaming me. There’s no contact at moment with me n kids. But know he’s still bad mouthing me

How do I stop him making me feel bad for how he feels?
Some days I feel stronger if then it all goes and I feel bad for getting help.

[KIP.]

He’s not making you feel bad. You are making you feel bad. I mean that in a positive way. Because you have the power to change how you feel and how you think about what happened. Know that you live in a FOG when with an abuser. That FOG is Fear Obligation and Guilt. These are the powerful weapons or tools that abusers use against us. They use these to keep us with them and to silence us. He is not your responsibility. He chooses to behave the way he does. This has no reflection on you. There isn’t much you can do about his bad mouthing you. My ex did the same. He’s trying to discredit you so that when the abuse comes out he can say, look I told you she was crazy or a liar or whatever. He may also be bad mouthing you so that he gets a reaction from you. Abusers cannot stand to be ignored. My advice is to stand tall. Ignore his behaviour. It only goes to confirm who he is. Zero contact and time will help clear that fog. Abusers also like to isolate us so when we go out to enjoy ourselves they make things so unbareable for us that we change our behaviour and stop going out. That means they can keep an eye on us and restrict any support network we may have. Read Living With The Dominator. Contact your local women’s aid for support and to ensure your safety. Never underestimate these men.

[Itwastimetostopit]

Thank you

I’m learning to understand the fog of it all.
I’ve got lots of support through services
Referred myself to freedom program.

Cos of things that happened my child is on a protection plan.
He’s not allowed contact

It’s just sometimes I feel bit overwhelmed.
I was with him a long long time
But I can’t excuse his behaviour at all.
I know that but sometimes I feel at fault and doubt myself

[Alicenotichains]

Guilt has been the emotion that has taken me back into the relationship each time it has ended. Despite the fact I was being abused, he made me feel that I had done something terrible to hurt him and that he couldn’t live without me. Being a compassionate person I found the guilt impossible to live with, so I would always go back. And then the remorse that he felt would quickly evaporate and the blaming and abuse would gradually creep back in. I felt guilt as a child when my mentally ill mother would neglect and be violent, then she would be hospitalised and I used to think it was because I had let her down. I think the same guilt is triggered by him when he manipulates me, so I am not sure my feelings are even about him, they are a shadow from the past.
I can totally understand the confusion that begins to creep in, was he that bad? Maybe it was me? Perhaps I am the horrible person he says?
But then I think if you can’t live without me, why didn’t you treat me better? Why don’t you treat me like I am precious? Why did you make me feel worthless?
I am beginning to see the power of guilt and I am trying to allow myself to let the guilty feelings go.
You sound like you are doing the best for you and your child. KIP is right inwhat she says about the FOG. I am waiting for mine to clear also. Sending you all the best in your fight for freedom from this awful mind game. Xx

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