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It’s been some time since I got out. I heard today that he’s seeing someone else. An old friend of his who I also know and like. Might he not behave with her like he did with me? Is that a possibility? Might he find her worthy of respect? I really really feel no sadness about not being with him. He was a bully. But what if he’s nice to her when he never was to me?
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I often thought of this with my ex , will he treat her any better? Does a leopard change its spots ! It’s good you feel no sadness from him moving on , it means you are healing and over him , every woman deserves to be treated with respect hun , every woman is worthy of being loved and shown love in the right , healthy relationship. It’s not you remember that , it’s them ! I think you should be glad & happy you are free to live your life and only feel sincere sympathies for his new girlfriend/ victim , the same fate you endured , she will eventually meet also , nothing will change hun x
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He might be nice to her for awhile, but eventually he will abuse her using the same abusive tactics he used on you. You are worthy of love and respect and your worthiness had nothing to do with his abusive behaviors. Abusers enjoy being abusive & see nothing wrong with their behavior. He abused you because he enjoyed it & because he didn’t see anything wrong with his behavior. These are the reasons you can be sure that he will be abusive towards future partners. It’s not you, it’s him. ❤️ It’s wonderful that he is your ex!
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Hi Lottieblue
I hope you’re OK.
I think your feelings are normal. After all you undured he’s moved on and if he treats his new partner better it can, potentially, make you worry that you caused the abuse by upsetting him.
You didn’t cause the abuse, he chose it and he will choose it again with his new partner if she doesn’t spot the red flags and hightail it out of there.
You weren’t upsetting him and receiving abuse as a response. If it feels like that was happening it wasn’t. Most abusers move the goalposts constantly. That way you will constantly fail trying to meet those goals and he will give himself an excuse to abuse you and make it look like your fault that he is doing so. The abuse was never about you, it was always about him. And he is still him!
He will woo her, draw her in, just like he did with you. Then, slowly but surely he’ll learn her ways and work out how best he can hurt her. Some of the abuse she experiences will be identical to the abuses you suffered, others will be unique to her.
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I struggled with this when I first found out my ex was seeing someone. I had the same questions was it me, did I really make him unhappy or was it my fault I didn’t get treated the way he was treating her – the Facebook profile pics and telling everyone he was so happy in his new life.
It took speaking with my womens aid worked in depth that I realised it wasn’t me and that this is a path these abusers take and in time he would start treating and putting her through what he did to me and sure enough he has started slipping and showing his true colours yet again.
Just remember you did nothing wrong, a counsellor once told me to make a list of reasons why you left (his behaviour etc) and times you question your decision look at your list. That part helped me too
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Men like this are often very clever. They learn from what did/didn’t work in one relationship and use this for the next one. This means they often seem to totally change when a new relationship comes along.
When I look back at our relationship my ex was a bit like a chameleon. He changed parts of himself to be what seemed the perfect person that I wanted initially. Over a very long time these parts slowly fell away and I was left really confused and trying to find the person I had fallen in love with. He kept telling me it was all my fault that he was stressed/angry so I would change my own behaviour trying to please him. I would see glimpses of the old person I loved which kept me hanging on in the relationship for much longer than I should have done.
I see my ex doing this with his new partner, but in different ways. He has changed (detail removed by Moderator) which just so happen to coincide with her views. I gather he told her (detail removed by Moderator) (total rubbish). He is morphing to be the person she wants him to be, and I expect this will last a good while until she relaxes in to the relationship and he can slowly reveal his true self. I feel desperately sorry for her. She no doubt thinks she’s found the perfect man, as did I at the start.
There are always underlying reasons people are abusive – unless he has had therapy this won’t change.
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My ex has just announced a new partner. I feel numb, I don’t want him back, but it’s a weird old mix of questions and emotions right now, many identical to yours and I’m finding myself questioning myself a lot. Ultimately these people need a supply and can’t be alone, they don’t change and the nice side will end soon enough, but it’s another loop the loop in the rollercoaster for us to get through x
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He will do the same to her for sure. It’s just a matter of when.
I used to think inwas the problem (Cos obvs he told me that) because his past relationships were fine. I used to think was he nicer to his ex. I cousknt comprehend it What had gone wrong with me. Then found out he was exactly the same with his exes. Uses 100 different tactics until one works and he has the control again. He will do it with his next too. They will all continue to do it over and over. I want to warn all future women. But of coirse we can’t. I wish we could tho. It’s fear rhat stops me. Scared of him.
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