He’s starting to blame me now

[Doglover99]

Nearly (detail removed by moderator) weeks out now. I am feeling much better this week. I have had another email from my husband, again very late at night and he was obviously drunk again. He’s now starting to say that all this is partly my fault as well, that if I’d spoken to him about everything months ago he could have had help to sort himself out, that he wanted to talk to me about how he felt about my son. He’s not eating, sleeping, he’s drunk most of the time because that’s all there is now for him. He is starting to blame me now but it’s still all about him it sounds.

I have tried not to make contact with him because I don’t want to make things worse. He’s obviously in a bad place and I’m dreading the time when he gets properly angry and starts thinking of ways to hurt me. The financial way is the obvious route because he knows that I have no money. I am keeping my distance for as long as I can.

I am feeling stronger this week but no doubt there will be down days. Financially it’s very worrying to start with but I’ll get there somehow and once things settle down we’ll be ok. I do enjoy being in our new flat. I even enjoy the alone times. My son stayed at a friend’s last night and I was all alone. I had an early shower, got in my dressing gown and snuggled on the sofa in front of the TV for the rest of the evening. And I actually enjoyed it. I’m not scared of being on my own at the moment, in fact I relish it. I’m sure there will be times ahead when I will feel desperately lonely but so far I am enjoying the solitude and the peace.

Still very very tired, I’m sleeping better every night but it’s still not enough. I’m still physically and emotionally exhausted but I like the fact that I can go to bed in the afternoon if I want and nobody is going to nag me about it. Everyone told me to take it easy and to rest and that is definitely what seems to be needed.

I was re-reading the “Why does he do that” book last night and was shocked again how many things I recognised there from his behaviour and it made me realise I was glad I am out. It may be a difficult road ahead but I have made the first step and need to make the most of my new life now.

I haven’t bumped into him yet, probably because he spends his days at home drinking. That’s what I’m dreading. He’s going to look awful, he’s probably going to cry (and he never cries), he’s probably going to beg to get another chance. That is when I’m going to flounder but I know I need to stay strong. Our lives are already better and it’s only been a couple of weeks. I cannot even imagine how it’s going to be when the flat is fully furnished with our things and when we are properly settled there.

Glad it’s nearly the weekend. I’m seeing a friend tomorrow and it’ll be good to talk with her.

Hope you are all having a good day.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Glad to hear u doing well, yes the no contact will u make so much stronger till u bang into him, dont worry if he crys and gets drunk,its always our fault , it couldnt possibly be theres, ignore what he says and try avoid reading the email, try get support with guidance how u can support yourself from support workers,not sure if u working or not, i ask for helped from a refugee support worker how to guide me even though i wasnt staying in one, they r brill at guiding u ,and yeah hun have all the sleep u need, this whole past year has been stressful for u,dont forget how he treated u , when he says should of spoken how u felt , u should remember did he let u talk,how rude was he,i never forget when u told me he came in one night after been out somewhere and squeezing your face and saying glad u wasn’t there , never forget how he made your son life hell , well thats why u not going back, he knew u came as a package with your son, u can do better on your own or with a new partner, just see him as an escape. Hows your son ? Has he agreed to go back to school yet

[Doglover99]

I keep reminding myself of the bad things he did to both of us. I really need to write that list down properly. I have scribbled every incident I can remember in my little book when I was still with him and the list was rather long then.

My son is better, he is calmer, happier and not so angry anymore at home. His body language is different and his face isn’t angry all the time any more. He has freedom in his own home now. He still gets frustrated with me because I keep asking him the same things apparently (blame my old age and old brain for not remembering). He actually tried returning to school this week. He got up on his own, got dressed and off we went. He got apprehensive in the car though and I started getting texts from him 3 hours later saying he couldn’t take it. The school welfare officer called me to say he was anxious, he’d had a panic attack and that he really couldn’t do any work that day. I collected him and it was obvious he had had a very bad experience. I won’t be able to get him back so the school is trying to think of another way he could do at least some of his exams this year.

He has lost all motivation though, he doesn’t care if he doesn’t get any qualifications. He’s not thinking about college either, he’s just living day by day, meeting with his friends. I am not sure what I can do to motivate him. Early Help are still involved so I hope they will be able to suggest something.

It will take him time to recover but certainly the early signs are good. He’s still a teenager so I will still have the usual problems to deal with. I am trying to get him to see someone from Victim Support but he’s not keen to have more “counselling”. I know that’s what he needs but I can’t force him.

[mixed-up mum]

Hi there Doglover – been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing – good to hear from you!! 🙂

Good to hear you are feeling better, stronger and more positive.

Don’t let him make you feel guilty, YOU are not responsible for him!!! Things are not easy for YOU either – but YOU are not sending him ‘poor me’ emails!!!
YOU are not making him drink – you did not go out and buy it and force him to drink it – we could all turn to drink if we wanted to – but WE are the ones with the kids to look after – and so me have to remain strong, and keep a clear head.

He had his chance to do the talking when you lived there – and did he??? Don’t tell me he didn’t know how bad things were and how unhappy you were!!??!! Excuses – don’t fall for his sob story!!

Yes finances are my main problem now too – I just don’t make enough to support my two, and keep the bills paid – at I never wanted to be on my own in my mid forties, and having to manage by myself.

He paid all the main bills and what I made payed the electric, and paid for any holidays or treats – so there is no more holidays and treats now!!!
I have the little I make from working, plus his maintenance, plus tax credits, and child benefit – and its just not enough – I’m having to borrow from me mam, and sister.

I always knew I wanted to leave, but it took me years to pluck up the courage to do it – I knew money would be tight and I had no idea how I would make ends meet – I need to get some confidence and self-belief, and try for more work – at the moment I just don’t think I could cope with it – I’m not clever, I have no qualifications – been in the same job for 30+ years – who would want me…….

Would you get any benefits?

Im not scared to be on my own either – I enjoy the peaceful life and doing what I want, when I want.
Yes you will have low times, and lonely times, but on the whole life is SO MUCH better – no arguments, no nit-picking – no silent treatment – just peace…..

Yes sleep – sleep and much as you can, when you can – if you’re not sleeping at nights then a 40 winks will just top you up and keep you going.

If you do bump in to him – just keep away – avoid him if possible or if you can’t keep him away at least head for somewhere public where there are other people about – then he’s less likely to make a big scene and a fuss.

If he looks rough its his own doing – he made the choice to drink – its not your fault, be strong – you CAN DO THIS – you’ve got this far – keep going!!!! 🙂

It’s early days – it will get easier, things do get better – you do get stronger – there IS light at the end of the tunnel – the new you is inside you – waiting to come out an blossom…..

You can make this house your home in time, go will get things to make it yours – and make a happy and safe home for you and your son. Hope he is being nicer to you now and appreciates what you have done for him?

Have a lovely time with your friend, relax and enjoy it – you desereve it after all you’ve been through.

Take care,
Good luck and best wishes,
M.U.M. x*x

[Doglover99]

Hi M.U.M. Good to hear from you and thank you for your advice. Just wanted to say don’t sell yourself short, you don’t need qualifications in order to be clever. Believe in yourself and you will find a way.

I think I might just be ok financially as long as I don’t get any huge unexpected bills. My benefit payments are sorted now and as long as I budget I should be ok. I’m thinking of learning a new skill in order to earn some more money for treats and unexpected expenditure. I would quite like to do something crafty. We’ll see. I do work but only part-time so have half the days free to do my own thing. Going full time in this job wouldn’t be an option and wouldn’t make it worthwhile so I’ll need to think of something else. I always quite liked the though of having my own little business so maybe this will be the start of something new in that respect as well.

It will be slow going getting the flat ready but I’ll concentrate on the living room and my son’s room first and my room can wait. As long as he’s cosy in his room, that’s the main thing.

I was dreading reading my emails this morning in case there’s another one from my husband but nothing, phew. I am keeping my distance as long as I can. It will be easier on him anyway, he may start to realise why I’ve had to do this if I give him some time and space. It’s too soon for me anyway to see or speak with him, I am only starting to get my head a little bit more together and will need time to get stronger in myself.

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Doglover – great to hear from you!!! 🙂

Thanks for your reply wasn’t on here last night, in fact not been on til now and didn’t see you had replied to me.

Oh I just seeing now I’m older how stupid I really am – I left school at 16 – trained and got a job – had my two kids – and they have been my life ever since – I do work part-time from home but – now I’m seeing other m**s my age going back out to work – and I just don’t have the confidence to try anything new – I feels so useless – and I’d rather NOT try than try and fail – I just don’t feel I have anything to offer an employer.
Some of my friends my age have gone on to retrain and are doing something totally different from what they were doing, I just don’t have the courage…..
Some of my friends are studying to get more qualifications and plus having a full time job, and a family to look after…..how they do it I’ll never know!!!!
I was never very great at school and now my memory is SO bad – I just can’t retain information anymore.
Eg you might say to me, I’m going on holiday a week on Saturday, or I have a Doctors appointment on Monday, or I’m going out next Friday, and by the time those days come I will have totally forgotten you said that to me….that is until you tell me about you Doc appointment, or tell me about your holiday – then I will remember oh yeah that’s right you had the Docs, oh yeah you were going on holiday – THEN I DO REMEMBER…..
My memory does worry me sometimes.

Anyway enough of me, back to you – that’s good you are able to support yourself and your son – as you say it’s the unexpected bills that throw you off track – if the washer breaks down or the car has to go in to the garage and you have a huge garage bill….at the moment I’m saving nothing – there IS no money for treats or holidays – that’s why I need more work – so I can SURVIVE on my own and not just get by……

Good for you having the confidence to try new things and and learn new things and do a bit of work for yourself.
Wish I had your confidence…. 🙂

Yeah the flat will come in time – you will put your own stamp on it and make it your own, and MAKE it a HOME. 🙂

Glad he’s not sent you any more emails – yes you are wise to keep your distance if possible – give you time to heal, and give him time to come to terms with the fact that you are no longer a part of his life.

You are doing great – proud of you – keep it up – well done!!!!

🙂 x*x 🙂

[one day at a time]

Hi dog lover,sending you a big hug of support. You’ve had lots of good advice here and I agree with it all.
I am in a very similar situation – its scary how similar it is to mine. I have been free from my abuser for a while but he continues to blame me for everything, tells lies about me to everyone including his children and lives a constant pity party.
It can be very draining emotionally so take care of yourself and keep talking/posting. The best advice I can give is what’s worked for me. Go as little or no contact as possible and focus on yourself and your family not him.
Xx

[Serenity]

Hi Dog Lover.

No doubt he is blaming you. This is what makes them abusers : the fact that they feel entitled to behave as they do, are self-centred, think everyone else is lacking, and have no conscience about the things they have done.

He claims that you should have spoken to him about it before, but that wouldn’t have happened, because if you’d have come to an agreement then that would have meant giving away his need for ultimate control and one-up manship, and they don’t like doing that.

I hear so many similarities between your son and mine. My eldest son and I were the focus of abuse, as you know, and he has been full cycle: anger, then going a bit wild, then saying he didn’t care about his future, and now he is starting to plan his future, and though he goes out with his friends, he spends a lot of time when at home in his comfy dressing gown, keeping warm and even sleeping a bit.

Some people who don’t understand the abuse express thoughts about this, but I completely understand him. He has just had to experience his dad’s latest mask fall, and I deeply understand his need for warmth, comfort, security. He is displaying some slight trauma symptoms, if you ask me. But all he needs is patience. So many people lack patience when other people are recovering. You can’t rush it.

When you say your son’s body language etc has changed- my son’s has too.

With your love and constancy, he will be ok.

I am amazed at how strong you sound. Carry on taking good care of yourself and building yourself up x

[Doglover99]

Hi Serenity. It does sound like your son’s gone through similar thing to mine. Mine has definitely had the anger stage and a bit of going wild too and now we’re at the don’t care about what happens to me stage. Let’s hope he gets through this soon so he can sit some of his exams this year. I wouldn’t want 10+ years to school go to waste at this stage but it’s ultimately up to him, whether he wants and is able to do them this year.

It has been suggested that my son should see Victim Support and I have an appointment with them. I just need to get him to see that person. I was warned that he will start showing symptoms of trauma and will need help but he will need to accept that help and be willing to engage in the process.

He still loves being with his friends and staying over at his friends having fun. I’ve had to accept that he’s old enough to want and do that as long as he stays safe. He loves having his friends round at ours as well and I’m trying to encourage that now. He does seem happy at home too, although I am boring company of course, but he feels safe and secure now and doesn’t need to behave in a certain way to avoid being told off. It’s nice seeing him relaxed at last. I hope that’s the start of his recovery.

He did say the other day how much he hates his stepdad, how he ruined his childhood and he is now getting all that he deserves. I realised that not only did he suffer directly at the hands of his stepdad but he also witnessed (heard at least) incidents between my husband and I. No wonder he hates him that much. His mother was also treated badly and any child, especially a son, wouldn’t want their mum to be mistreated. And he was too young then to do anything about it. How much must that have affected him. I hadn’t thought of that side of things before he said something about an incident going back 5 years. I was shocked that he remembered that and saddened at the same time.

Strangely I am actually feeling quite strong. I will keep on going, day by day. I started typing that list of incidents last night from my scribbled notes and I got to the end of page 3 and had only reached year 2011 from the start of our relationship. I was shocked! There is much more to come and I can only imagine what it’s going to feel like reading it all back when I’ve finished.

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

Was just thinking when I struggled to get my son in what they did was make a special timetable where he was only in for few hours 4 days a week , it still didn’t work brilliant but it’s an option

[White Rose]

It sound like you’re doing great! Well done and keep going.
Of course he’s going to blame you – that’s his way. He’ll blame you for ridiculous things too but ignore him. Keep no contact and if you bump into him walk on past.
You’re amazing remember that!

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Doglover – just sent you a reply but it’s about 6 posts up from here – just incase you missed it – as I nearly missed yours too. x*x

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Doglover – how are you today??

x*x

[Doglover99]

Hi there. Sorry, I haven’t had a chance to log on until now. I’m still so tired all the time but keep waking up early in the morning rather than when my clock says it’s time to get up.

It was my birthday recently and although I was dreading it, I had a good day. It’s the first birthday in years I haven’t spent with my husband. I expected him to contact me because he had said before that he wanted to see me on that day but I heard nothing…until the early hours of the following day. He sent me another email full of spelling mistakes, so he was obviously drunk again, and he wasn’t happy that I hadn’t contacted him. Why should I have contacted him? He could have sent me a message wishing me a nice day. I haven’t heard anything at all from any of his family either. I can only imagine what he’s told his parents and his kids. Oh well, I knew it was going to happen.

I’m enjoying the peace at the flat. We’re slowly getting it furnished and I am so amazed at how kind people have been to us. I even received a anonymous donation of money from someone at work. I feel humbled to say the least. Someone must have been looking out for me because only a few days later my car packed up and I had to spend quite a bit of money getting it back on the road.

The school thing with my son is still not sorted. I have a meeting arranged with my Early Help support and the council’s school attendance officer. I have tried everything to get him to school but he won’t go. I hope they can talk some sense into him but I doubt anything will make a difference to him. At the end of the day, he needs to put the work in and he doesn’t want to. I don’t want to alienate him by having a go every day so let’s wait and see what they can suggest. He is seeing someone from Victim Support soon too so that may help him as well.

I am hearing about more incidents between him and my husband. It appears that not only was it emotional abuse, there were also physical incidents that I wasn’t aware of. I don’t know why he didn’t tell me about them before but he is slowly starting to open up in his own time. No wonder he had such a hard time before if all this was happening as well. The thing is my husband was obviously very clever and made sure the physical threats happened when I wasn’t at home.

The strange thing is I don’t really miss my husband. I miss doing things with someone else but I don’t think I miss him. That makes me feel a bit like a cold hearted woman. How can I feel nothing when it was so hard to leave? I miss my dog terribly though but I enjoy being on my own. I still don’t have the energy to do all the things I was planning but slowly I’ll get there. I’m going to look up adult education courses this week and will sign up to something to learn a new skill. Something hands on and practical.

For you M.U.M., have the confidence to try something new. I guarantee you will surprise yourself when you take the first step. My memory is bad nowadays as well. My son gets so frustrated with me for asking the same things repeatedly. I don’t think I could do academic study any more but a practical course learning a new skill will be fine and it would for you too. You have managed to raise your kids without a degree education, have the confidence that you CAN and you WILL be able to progress and get that new job or go on a course for a new skill. Nothing is impossible. You have gone through worse and survived. What’s the worst that could happen? They can say no but keep on trying and you will find a way. That’s one thing I’ve learned, if at first you don’t succeed, try again and things will happen. And when you think what is the worst thing that could happen in a particular situation, it’s not usually that bad.

Take care. Big hugs to all.

[betterdays]

Hi I’ve been out several months after nearly 2 decade’s he’s blaming me still saying I shouldn’t of been so aurgumentative or we would of still been together. I wernt aurguing I were trying to point out what he were doing to me and kids but he would just screamed shout over me xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Doglover – great to hear from you again. 🙂

It’s early days yet – your sleep will settle – you have so much on your mind – so much to see to and do – its not easy to switch off.

It was my birthday recently also – and its a pleasure to mark another year of FREEDOM!!!!
I hated birthdays when I was with him – it only served to remind me of yet another year of my life I’d wasted with that man!!!
He’d always buy me big cards with a huge soppy verse in the telling me of his love for me – and I hated it – so false – if he REALLY loved me then he wouldn’t have been doing what he was doing to me…..

He does still actually buy me a card ( NOT a soppy one though!!) And he usually buys me chocs or a bottle of wine.

His family from the moment I left him wanted nothing more to do with me – so all of a sudden (though I’D done nothing wrong) I never heard from any of them again – it was hurtful – I’d been in their family for 20+yrs and all of a sudden that meant nothing – no birthday card – no Christmas card, no contact…..

But then as you say, what was HE telling them – HIS version of things would have been VERY different to mine!!!! But that’s the way it goes – he’s not going to tell his own family the TRUTH is he!!!!

And yes it’s times like this when you see who your REAL friends are – the ones who are there for you to listen and support – or giving you things for the house and even helping moneywise.

As for your son and school – you have done everything in your power to get him to go – what more can you do?
If he won’t go its his choice, his future – there is little you can do to force him to go.
You are going to need help to fix this – you can’t do it all on your own.

My ex was very crafty when it came to this kids – he always made sure I couldn’t see or hear what he was doing – and then they would come running to me in floods of tears.

As you say I don’t miss my ex – not in the least – I would never go back to him NEVER EVER!!!
But I do miss the company sometimes – and I miss cuddles – just holding hand or a soft touch on your back – he ruined all that – his abuse ment that ANY form of touch was a ‘come on’ to him – so I couldn’t go near him – but I do want to feel what that’s like agsin one day – I hope I will find love someday…..

As for my confidence – well I had ZERO confidence at school and nothing has changed from then – in fact cos of what I lived with for so many years I have even less confidence – my son is the same – he’s Dyslexic and struggles at school – so he’d rather not try at all than try and fail – he’s leaving school this summer and sitting ño exams – I worry for his future…..
He has terrible ‘attitude’ right now – can’t say a civil word to me or his sister – does nothing but sit on his Xbox and tablet all day – won’t go to bed – won’t get up – does nothing to help in the house – oh what do you do with teenage boys!!!

I just can’t study now – I never did have much brains and over the years what I did have has gone!!!
I just KNOW I’m not good at anything – and I feel so useless and powerless to try anything new – I can’t sing, dance, act, draw, paint, play any instruments, do any sport – I honestly have NO talents what-so-ever!!! 🙁 🙁 🙁

No one has ever told me I was good at anything….. cos I’m NOT…..

I admire you for your courage to try new things….you are so brave and a good role model to others on here.

Well done on how far you have come already – you are doing great!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

Take care.

x*x

[Author]

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