He’s still controlling us

[Dillusionalworld]

I was in a violent relationship for years, I managed to break away from this person when my child with him was still a baby and I’m now happily married. My child’s father has stopped the maintenance payments I need for our child’s extra curricular activities, because they now refuse to see him as they’re scared of him. He’s walked into our family home before so we now keep all doors locked at all times. I’m getting panic attacks again. Even my husband is scared of him! He’s now threatening my husband and harassing us, and driving past the house whenever he feels like it. He’s even gone so far as to call my child’s doctors telling them I don’t give them their medicine for their condition (he’s the one who never did so we stopped his overnight contact) and that I’m making it worse on purpose. I’ve even been questioned about this by the doctors and recently it has got worse but they don’t believe me now, said they will do blood tests to make sure my child is having the medication. He’s even convinced people I have mental health problems and I don’t. I’ve been to the police but they can’t do much as we need evidence, even though we have this through threatening messages. Social workers are trying to force my child to see their father too and I don’t think it’s right! Our GP admitted their condition worsened through stress. Should they be listening to my child? To my child my husband is their dad, he’s always there and never lets them down. I want to take it to court so we can have it in writing that my child lives with me and my husband at all times, because my child is scared he may take them, but would they even acknowledge in a court that contact is not wanted? My child is adamant that even with supervision they still don’t want contact and has told a social worker this. But he’s said I’m telling our child what to say and they believe it! We all want him out of our lives for good but we don’t seem to be able to achieve this. Im now in touch with victim support as things have got that bad.

[Dillusionalworld]

So my day got worse 😔 he’s now telling the social workers I was always buying cocaine from him. I don’t even touch the stuff. Today I had a social worker tell me that I never suffered any abuse by him and that I make people look bad when I want them out of my life. I called victim support and cried my eyes out. They called them “horrible people” which I think is putting it lightly… they’re allocating me a support worker through Refuge. God knows I need someone to talk to right now.

[Lisa]

Hello Dillusionalworld,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place with others who understand what you are going through.

I am so sorry to hear how your ex-partner has continued to be abusive and controlling towards you and your family and the impact this is having. Do you keep a log of all of the incidents? By reporting everything to the police it will build a history of the abuse you are experiencing. I am pleased you have the support of Victim Support and you are being allocated a support worker. The 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) is also available if you would like to talk things through and to discuss any other options. Rights of Women are also a really useful organisation for free legal advice via their website and legal advice lines (http://rightsofwomen.org.uk).

Keep posting to us when you can; it can really help to offload your thoughts here to others who have experienced similar.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Dillusionalworld]

Thank you Lisa.

We have the police involved but unfortunately until he does something to us we’re being told they can’t do anything. We keep a log of everything even screenshots of the threatening messages the police have seen. My family called the police too as he’s been harassing them and turned up at my mothers house and scared my child. They ran upstairs and refused to see him.

I thought after all these years I was ok, but today I’m really not. I feel just as scared as I did when I was with him. I’m not even staying downstairs on my own when the children go to bed. My husband hasn’t been allowed in the family home for months. My ex’s lies and manipulation have played a part in this, but he doesn’t realise how strong we are together. But, I feel vulnerable again without my husband here.

He’s trying to destroy my family. He’s already torn us apart. We’re going through parenting assessments and the last one is this week. They’re going well but the social workers are refusing to believe the past abuse with my ex, it’s like he’s placed on a high pedestal and no one can touch him. Coming from professionals that’s really hurt me today.

I spoke with someone from Refuge tonight and they’re arranging support for us. My child needs as much support as she can get too. I don’t think I realised until now just how much he’s emotionally abused them. If only they could see the harm they do 😢

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Dillusionalworld

I am so glad to hear you will have 1-2-1 daboutreach support. I hope that is imminent for ou. How awful that all this has come up again. Theres an age at which children have their own view on contact taken into account.

It would be right to write to challenge on what basis of evidence the social worker has made these claims.

I think it’s really common to assume a woman is making it up and telling her child what to say. Which is awful to be accused of when trying so hard to be careful around that.

He is quite the fool though for telling them you bought coke off him!! So he’s telling them he’s a dealer!? …and that’s not ringing any alarms bells with them?

Do you have logs of your history with him, previous reports of his violence to you, old messages containing threats or anything?

Keep posting and I hope you hear from the outreach support soon.

Warmest wishes ts

[Dillusionalworld]

Thanks Ts,

Over the years I was in the relationship with him there were numerous calls to the police from myself and my family also. (Court detail removed by moderator). 

My child tells everyone what their father does with them (smoking in the car/ scaring by shouting in their face/ leaving unattended in public places/ not providing equipment for medical needs/ not administering medication/ forcing them to sleep in the same bed as him/ making cereal with warm milk as he has no fridge) the list is endless, but it’s not listened to. They say he needs parenting classes, I say he’s never changed and never will.

Tonight, just to top off my bad day, my child told me their father told them that we broke up because I hit him!! The actual nerve of it. I can’t even refer to him as a man any longer, he is a monster.

Honestly the entire drug dealing/usage situation is beyond belief. When I first became involved with him I had no idea, he hid absolutely everything from me and was a different person. Within weeks he moved himself in and the comments started, and then the awful smirky looks at me, then he made me quit my well paid office job, cut me off from friends and family and before I knew it I barely left my apartment, didn’t have a phone and he forced me to move to where his family lived and the violence began. Gradually the drug usage became apparent and he was even smoking crack cocaine and injecting himself with steroids. I tried to escape on numerous occasions but he always found me, or dragged me back in by my hair. I never agreed with the drugs, I never had any either.

(Detail removed by moderator).

Surely social services cannot put my family in danger like this? I am currently living in a situation where everyone around us is siding with my abuser, and it’s making me physically sick. I’ve lost nearly 2 stone in the last 8 weeks, you can actually see my bones now 😢 I eat perfectly fine as well. My husband nearly cries when he sees me at the supervised contact once a week. It’s the only time we ever see each other now.

I’m living in hell. Everything is used against me, including the fact I had a child with this man. Regardless of the fact I tried to leave when I first found out I was pregnant. I have two other children, one with disabilities and this is also being used against me too because I knew about the condition before they were born. They’re also using the fact I used to have my own business and was registered for VAT??? How does that even go against me?

We’re not a “Jeremy Kyle” type of family, as my sister so elegantly told them 😂, we are respectable, educated parents with morals and above all else we love our children and want to protect them from harm. Even my education is being used against me. I’ve enrolled on (detail removed by moderator) and the social workers encouraged me to do it, even giving me advice on the student finance, now they say I’m in the wrong and not putting my children first… I can’t win and yet he gets away with ruining our lives.

I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall…

[Ariel]

What you have written is so terrible to hear. I really thought that the social workers and police etc would be on our side. I really hope it gets better for you and I’m sure it will.
After reading this I feel like moving away.
I have no advice to give, as I think I’m about to go through a lot of this. I just want you to know that we are all here for you.
X

[Ariel]

Ps when you are strong enough do your degree it will make you feel he is not stopping you from living at least one part of your life.
X

[Dillusionalworld]

Thank you Ariel,

I haven’t been on here for some time as so much has happened. I’m still living in fear something else will happen from my childs father. I found out he’s also told the social workers I’m a heroin dealer! You cannot make this up. I wouldn’t even know what it looks like! It appears I failed the parenting assessment (which was horrendous) they claimed the children sre at risk from ME and that I lie and have mental health problems and an agenda etc etc. It’s all a load of nonsense. It was even suggested my husband shouldn’t return. Well something clearly happened because our actual social worker dismissed all of it. Even what was said at the child protection conference we couldn’t attend. We don’t understand any of it. It’s gone from us being the worst parents imaginable to actually being listened to. But I did report one of the social workers, actually a few of them, and suggested they receive further training on dealing with survivors of domestic abuse.

My husband is back home, we had a wonderful Christmas, the children are happier and finally we have a lovely social worker who appears to be helping us. Best of all I’m not so stressed!

It seems that a lot of things they claimed I was lying about have been proven to be true. Especially now my childs in a new school and they’ve just had a psychological assessment. It’s showing everything I’ve been saying all along which is what their father ignored and placed the blame on my husband and myself for my childs behaviour.

I’ve been told my child’s father has offended again. When will it stop? What does it take to actually stop these men from hurting others and to finally get the law on our side? My child is continuously refusing to see their father and I’m actually glad. They’re very strong willed and have spoken their mind to everyone. Now we’re going to have a advocate. Social workers are saying they wouldn’t facilitate contact now anyway after what he’s done recently. Which of course isn’t being taken any further because the woman is frightened. Like I was.

I actually kick myself now for all the times I lied about the abuse, covered it up and even told the police it was my fault or that I attacked him. It’s like he was in my head the entire time just using fear to prevent me from leaving. But I blame myself now. If I had done more, fought it all harder, even the wrong decisions that were made by officials, maybe these others after me wouldn’t have gone through what I did.

With three children with extra needs I’m climbing the walls, I need to do something with my life but I’m afraid to do the wrong thing now, but I know I’d be even more afraid to go out to work right now. I’ve started crocheting and I’m hoping to have a stall at a few Easter fairs to sell what I make (with my Husband present when he’s off work) and raise money for a charity that helps people in the situation I was in.

My abuse story started in (detail removed by moderator), I’m hoping after all of these years things have changed to a point where it’s not always a case of you’re not believed.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Dillusionalworld, i am aghast at what you have had to put up with for so long, how you are still able to be so articulate and are on here still offering others support is a testament to how strong you and your husband are. I’m glad the social worker saw through the sea of c..p. (Detail removed by moderator). I definately agree that some social workers need more training in regards to domestic abuse and the intricacies that surround it. We know everything your ex said about you is what’s called projection, he’s really telling the world, giving his confession, only no one is listening properly. I hope and pray you get closure soon. Your poor children and husband, you must be very strong together, even though you may not feel strong. Good luck my friend, I really do hope your situation gets resolved, I really do.

Best wishes
IWMB 💕💕

[Dillusionalworld]

Thank you Iwantmeback, it most certainly hasn’t been easy, but we’re fortunate the truth always has a way of showing itself and we are indeed very strong together. I don’t think I would have survived any of this without my husband’s support, even when he was removed from us for 5 months.

My child is no longer fearful of being forced to spend time with their father, which is a added bonus to the situation. It appears he has destroyed his own life with no help from anyone else. Of course, I’m fearful of any repercussions his actions may have on us as he lives so close, but I have alarms I set on the windows and doors when my husband’s working nights. My toddlers are oblivious to everything that happens so that’s a blessing, they keep me occupied.

I’m sure one day we will receive apologies for the way we’ve been treated, but in the meantime all I can do is raise awareness and campaign for domestic abuse survivors to be treated with sensitivity and respect. It’s not easy what we go through, but being called a liar hurts more than any punch he ever threw at me.

[Author]

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