- This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 4 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
He has been saying he will do whatever it takes to not lose me so the other day I asked him to admit to our grown up kids exactly why our marriage was in trouble and he has. Our eldest has said the way we are living is cruel on all of us and we need to make a decision once and for all. Hubby has been crying non stop begging me not to leave, promising to do whatever I need. I told him I didn’t trust him to not revert back to normal in a few months and I didn’t want to regret staying. All this because I have removed my wedding ring.
Apparently he’s told them about the time he assaulted me (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. My girls have noticed a change in him, he is less angry.
But I am now so confused because I had decided I was leaving and that was it. Now I feel bad for causing everyone pain and part of me wants to give him another chance but the logical side of me is saying no more. -
I feel like I am the bad guy now. I’m the one asking for the room to breathe and for us to separate to give us chance to try and get our heads sorted and he is the one who the kids feel bad for.
I wasn’t there when he rang them so I don’t know the spin he put on it. But that’s what I feel he will have done. They now feel sad for him, like I’m the one causing all this heartache which I guess I am really but they all feel I have gone too far.
He has changed but I don’t know if it’s genuine or just another ploy to stop me leaving. I have used the checklist on Lundy Bancroft’s website about the things they should or shouldn’t be doing if they are genuine about change.
My girls don’t understand that how he treated me years ago is the reason I react the way I do now.
Now I feel like I should back down and give him another chance. I probably shouldn’t have asked him to tell them but I think I did it out of frustration and fear that I would be blamed for the marriage breakdown and yet here I am and it’s the same anyway. My eldest hasn’t rung me to check if I am ok or to hear my side.
If it wasn’t for my grandson I wouldn’t be able to hold it together. -
His tactic now is to play the victim in all of this and manipulate through pity. If he cared anything at all for his family he would have accepted that you don’t want to be with him anymore and left. Staying with him is going to give him all the ammunition he needs to carry on his pity party and drag your kids into this. My ex spun all sorts of lies with the children and I’m now estranged from them. These men will use absolutely anything and any one to regain control. You’re in an abusive marriage. You’re desperately unhappy. That’s enough to walk away. He’s playing Mr Nice now so that prevents you from leaving because you feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Our brains are frazzled with abuse. He’s going to blame you for the rest of your lift whether you stay or leave. My advice is to get all your ducks in a row. Tell your kids you’re leaving an abusive relationship and don’t wish them to get involved but you need their support. You can bet in the background he will be undermining you every step of the way. He won’t cooperate and will leave you will nothing if you allow him. The gloves are off. Be very careful.
-
-
I don’t know what the current level of abuse is Catjam, but from your post it sounds like it’s not good. Your son’s comment about it being cruel really stood out for me. It sounds like you know leaving is for the best.
I honestly can’t believe somebody who has been abusive for years has just magically changed. The abuse is caused by deep rooted stuff, it doesn’t disappear just like that. If by magic it had, i would expect him to show you a lot of patience and respect your need for space. He would understand that it will take a lot of time to regain your trust. He wouldn’t be continuing to manipulate you into staying.
Your girls may need time to take it all in. Their reaction now may just be the shock. Maybe they will learn from this how not to get caught in an abusive relationship by educating themselves about abuse to understand what you’ve been through. They may need time to fully acknowledge what their father has been doing. You’re right, you’re not responsible for their choices. By leaving you’re being a good role model and showing them how to make brave choices.
It sounds like he’s doing his best to make this difficult task even harder, and that’s because he’s pulling out the big guns to keep control.
Sending love and courage xxxx
-
The first thing that springs to mind is “Has he really told them?” My ex claimed to have told his family. What he actually told them was “She says I did this….. She says I forced her to ……”. Its very different from admitting his behaviour and has the affect of making the victim sound like a neurotic fruit loop.
His changed behaviour is very enlightening isn’t it? It shows us that he knows the correct way to behave in a relationship. It’s unlikely he’s discovered that over night. He’s always known how he should have been treating you – with love, kindness, respect and as an equal. So if he’s always known that, why is he only choosing to behave like that now, after all those years of abusing you?
He will try to pull out all the stops. Many men will try to turn the kids against the mother. Mine tried. I don’t know your family dynamic but I told my grown up kids that their father had been abusive, enough that he could go to prison if I reported him. I told him that I had been warned that he would try and turn them against me and asked them to please not let that happen. I asked them to remember that they knew me well enough to know the truth about me. I told them that if they wanted to ask me anything, then I would tell them but otherwise I wouldn’t involve them.
When I moved out, their Dad did a real number on my eldest. My eldest turned up, furious with me for not telling his Dad my plans.
When I explained calmly and honestly why I had done it that way, he totally got it. He knew his Dad and me well enough to see the truth for what it was.
My eldest now knows most of what my ex did to me because he asked. My youngest knows nothing except that his Dad was abusive, he doesn’t want to know. It took them both a while to accept the truth. My eldest now lives with me and is having counselling to help him deal with the fall out of being raised by a coercive, violent father. My youngest still sees his Dad and is still being controlled by him but accepts that his Dad abused me.
I feel like I’ve gone off track a little but I guess that the point I wanted to make is that this is a man that they have a strong bond to – it may be love or it may be trauma bonding. Who knows? Either way, it will take them time to fully accept the truth. But they have a strong bond with you too and I’m pretty sure that your bond with them is forged through love.
Remind them that you love them. Remind them that they only know their father’s side of the story so it is not really fair for them to take sides. You could consider giving them the option of hearing it from your side but make it clear that it is their choice. You don’t want to force them into knowing things that they may not want to know.
It is going to be difficult, you are going to need strength now. He will try his best to manipulate all the people around you. His aim is to get you to stay. Just keep reminding your kids that you love them and keep asking them not to judge as they don’t have all the facts.
Sending hugs. xx
-
Thank you all. I decided to ring my eldest to apologise for not trusting her enough with the truth. She has the closest bond with him. He had told them but i got the impression he downplayed it. She asked me questions and said she understood it better now. I didn’t bad mouth him at all, merely explained that I had requested he got help or let me walk away and he was doing neither.
I also said I wouldn’t want them to take sides and I was trying to go the route that was the better option. I mentioned Refuge and women’s aid.
She is hoping we can work it out but understands that I have to do what I need to be free and happy.
He clearly does know how to treat me well, it’s just sad he didn’t learn it years ago.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
