He’s trying it all

[Sungirl]

I separated from my husband just over (detail removed by moderator) and I’m trying hard to be strong. I have support from a counsellor and family. I am now seeing even more of his manipulative behaviours. I heard not much from him for the last week and (detail removed by moderator) sent me 3 emails and has contacted 2 of my friends to tell them about his therapy that he’s started(my counsellor is surprised he has got this going just in 1 week). He’s seen the kids twice and the last time said he needed to get something from the house and then tried to talk to me. And now he’s sent some emails, all very apologetic and saying how he’s done wrong and he’s reflecting. But now he wants to move back due to needing to work from home next week and not having space where he is! What a joke! He even suggested I move out so that he can have a work space here. All that grovelling in the emails was just because of this, trying to get round me. I’m being firm and have replied with a no and need to be firm with some boundaries. He just makes me feel sick when I see him and he always says something that HE wants to throw me off guard.

[HunkyDory]

He’s lying. He isn’t in counselling at all I would say it’s impossible to get it in a week, I waited 6 months! You need to block him everywhere. All social media, change your phone number and get a new email address. Your family are supportive which is great so ask them to arrange what needs to be done for the children.

He is harassing you, ask him to stop then block all contact, keep a log if he persists but don’t engage. You could get an occupation order I think (I’m not great in that side of things but the other ladies are) to allow you to stay in the family home with the children. Get the locks changed as well,

Good luck and keep posting for support . You can do it xx

[Ariana]

hi..i just wanted to reach out and say i can very much relate to this. ive left numerous times and i’ve seen every tactic in the book, even stormed out once and returned 3 days later saying he’d tried to kill himself and had been in hospital…but he had a sun tan!!! i suppose they’re clutching at straws, playing the victim as they always do!! well done for staying strong. don’t fall for it, its a slippery slope. maybe just keep reminding yourself what lead you to separate in the first place.
all the best
A xx

[KIP.]

He is a liar and a manipulator and if he has a legal,right to return to the home then that’s what he will do soon. Please take steps to prevent this. You’re in a strong position just now as he doesn’t live there. Once he comes back it’s so very difficult to get him out. Many women then are left to flee with their children. Don’t let it get to that stage. Seek legal advice and get an occupation order in place. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline or your local women’s aid for help. Do not believe a word he says. He’s already trying to get your friends on his side. Tell them to block him.

[Sungirl]

Thanks all. I’m finding it so helpful and encouraging posting on here. One of my friends Tx me and he doesn’t know or understand what is going on so I think I’m just going to ignore him for now (the friend). I think husband thinks that if he does his ‘therapy’ (whatever it is) then all will be fine. I just don’t want any contact with him at all. He tx to say he’s sorted something else out for his living situation as his mum doesn’t want him there anymore. Fingers crossed. Am going to read back over my diary entries to remind myself.

[Eggshells]

It śounds as though you might actually believe that he is getting counselling. Trust me, he’s not!

His emails that say he’s sorry; do they actually say specific things that he is sorry for or do they just say that he is sorry for everything? I suspect he’s not actually said anything in those emails that you could use to prove to friends or the police that he is abusive. Seriously Sungirl, please block him. Get your burner phone so that he can contact you about arrangements for the kids or put those communications via your family. For reasons I couldn’t explain, it took me ages to block my ex and his communications just became more manipulative and more unpleasant. It was such a relief when I finally blocked him. I should have done it sooner.

[Camel]

Hi Sungirl

How nice for him that he’s ‘reflecting’, ‘getting counselling’ and is ‘sorry’. So what? Does any of this mean you’re obliged to reconsider the separation? No, of course it doesn’t. If you want to cut him out of your life you need to progress from separation to divorce. Do this with a solicitor with experience of abusive relationships. Abusers don’t play by the rules and will use their skills in manipulation to great effect unless recognised and stopped. As other women have advised, don’t engage at all with him, either directly or through third parties. (Read up about flying monkeys if you haven’t already.) You only need to communicate about child access. Anything else is harassment. Keep copies of texts and emails but don’t reply.

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