Hi

[Jennaflorrie]

I am new to this forum. My hubby and I have separated many times during our marriage. He used to use my soft heart to lure me back. He would cry and say he only loved me….and didn’t want anyone else. Once back in the web……he would go back to that old cycle of abuse. Loving and affectionate…then getting annoyed by nothing and everything….then lashing out verbally (physically he used to give me a slap, a kick, throw something..but never beat me up, never did a real physical attack, more just a slap or kick on its own)….then the sulking and silence..which would last sometimes days…and then the apologises and the loving phrase again.

Got so bored with it all. I used to hit him back if he hit me. And I tried everything to get him to be reasonable. But nothing worked. I was such a softie years ago….there is a video clip of me – before I had my first child and I am so nice!! My voice is nice to my hubby….flash forward a lOT of years and Id be more intolerant. Hubby says he wishes I could be like I used to be….but that person has gone.

Last time I split with him, was (detail removed by moderator) years ago…I moved out of our sold property into a rental home with my two teenagers. Daughter had been affected by her dad. She was glad we separated. But then hubby started saying he had truly changed, that he wanted to go to church with me. He was using the God card I believed to worm his way back in. But over the weeks and months he was good as gold. He even went to church, week after week. His mum and dad said they saw a change.

Then I saw a property for sale which could be done up….sold and make a bit of money. We got a mortgage on the property. Its in my hometown. My family near by. Hubby has to be away for (detail removed by moderator) days at a time….when he is working. He stays with his parents as its too far from here.

Thing is….even though we are together and he isn’t swearing at me anymore and he isn’t being physically abusive at all. And he is coming to church still……I have no trust in him. Couple of incidents……my son complaining about his dad. My hubby calling my dad awful names and running him down to my children….my dad has since died and I find it hard to forgive the way he treated my dad sometimes too

He moans about everything. The house, he hates the area…..he thinks my sister is controlling. He doesn’t like one of my brothers. He says when this house is sold…he is going back and its up to me if I go back with him or not. He says HE is going to live back in the old town. Our children who are old enough to do what they want……wil go back….(though they probably wouldn’t) even my beloved dog is going to go back! He depresses me. Moaning constantly. Putting pressure on me to go back away from my family. He hates my family. Its drip drip drip.

But part of me, thinks well….he has changed. As a Christian I want to do what is right. But can a marriage die? He hurt me for so many years and made so many false promises. the trust has just gone.

He is away at the moment…working…..I don’t miss him when he isn’t here. When he is away…he says how much he misses us and me……but when he is here….all he does is complain.

For instance…(detail removed by moderator).as a family, we all went out to barbeque. Because our teenage son said something his dad didn’t like…he gave son a LOOK and said he was going home. So hubby walked all the way (detail removed by moderator)miles…home!! I stayed at Barbaque with son and daughter, but it spoilt a rare day out. I couldn’t believe it! The old hubby was back.

I am (detail removed by moderator) now. I was ill with an auto immune disease. I am ok now…but cant take stress. I just want to do what is right. But, in my heart…..I don’t love hubby. I think he is a moaner, ungrateful, miserable. But he is diabetic and has been since he was a child. I would feel guilty if I split with him and then he ended up dying…..6 months later!! You cant just chuck someone away? He has financially contributed to the house. I work too. But he has worked..and he has tried to change. But is it enough? Is he trying to trick me into going back to HIS home town? Can I forget how he treated his own daughter and caused her depression and also was so nasty about my father, even having a go at him and telling him off. My dad was a lovely man. My hubby spoilt the time I had with him.

Lots of questions.

[Ayanna]

Hi, this is a difficult one.
I know people who suffer from diabetes long term and they are moaners and they are often unpleasant. This is a fact that unfortunately seems to come with the illness.

I think you need to do what is best for you. If you think the best place for you is where you are now, close to your family, then you need to stay.

Did you speak to Women’s Aid?
Maybe counseling could help you see clearer what to do in your situation.

Is he aware of what he has done or is he in complete denial?

[Jennaflorrie]

(detail removed by moderator)

This house was just going to be for a short time….do it up…make profit then go back. But that hasn’t happened due to problems with builders. (detail removed by moderator) Strange really….because my hubby went to my dad to apologise for the way he had treated me – when we separated last. My dad had been so kind to hubby, yet he had a real go at him!

Hubby just says he wants us all to move back. He said last week he has just about had it with the situation. And wont be putting up with it any more. If I want to move back with him, fine, if not then he will go. To complicate things….my son and D both prefer the old area to here. But my D would then be living with her dad full time again….and being the misery he is….not sure that would do her any good.

I don’t think the house will sell for a while. Still a lot to do. But hubby says how much he hates the house. It is in a nice village. (detail removed by moderator) Nice garden. But he says he wants to get away from MY FAMILY.

Half money from this house would go to hubby anyway, but I would get money from my dad – once estate is sold etc.

Do what is best for me? That’s the problem….I just don’t know what to do. My sister says I would be mad to go back……but I liked the old area ad had friends there etc. But now my roots have gone down here..I have a good job a great church with lovely people.

Why cant hubby let me be happy? Why cant he be happy?

Hubbys parents are expecting me to move back to the old area…its where THEY are living. They have been very kind to H and our children, they are genuinely lovely people.

[Jennaflorrie]

Just to say….
The old hubby had in the past

Slapped
Kicked
pulled my hair (long time ago)
Thrown things at me
ruined family occasions – Holidays and Birthdays
Weddings etc
Been unwelcoming to my family
Sworn at me – F off usually, telling me he would dance on my grave, hated me,
Lectured me – berating yelling
Sulked – ignoring me for days
Verbally unkind to D
Played mind games – one year I didn’t know if he was coming on holiday with me and our young children, until we were about to drive off, then he appeared outside of the car, tearful, saying he WOULD come.
LOTS of mind games.

New Hubby
Doesnt tell me to F off anymore.
Rarely swears
Doesnt get physically abusive
Tries to get on with D now and encourages her
Helps more around the house.
Attends church with me
BUT
Rants about my family
Moans about the house
Has had run in with son who doesn’t particularly get on with dad
Has spoilt some days out with childish behaviour.
Was verbally unkind to my dad – who has since died.
Is now insisting I move back to old town (which would mean living together all the time)
He blames me for buying the house…says I make wrong decisions and HE will decide what to do once this house is sold! If I go back with him fine,if not then he wont be staying around here.

thanks for listening.

[SaharaD]

Hi Jenna

I search for a long time for a spiritual answer. I read the Bible, I read articles by religious leaders and I talked to God about my situation.

Here is my revelation:

You know what he is doing is sinful. Now no one is perfect. However just going to church is not enough. He should be going to Bible study regularly and have lots of one on one spiritual therapy with the church leader. If there is a men’s fellowship he should be going.

He should also be doing work on his psychology. Meaning a perpratrators programme, anger management and one on one psychotherapy. This is a long term lifestyle change.

If you don’t declare and follow through that his behaviour and thinking is unacceptable, you are sending the message that what he is doing is acceptable. There must be consequences for his actions. You have to change also and be firm with him.

I left my husband and have had no contact with him due to his sins. I’m not perfect. I see other men…that is my burden but I won’t enable him without evidence not just from his mouth but his actions and what others have witness.
His disrespect towards your family is unacceptable and unbrotherly and unneighbourly.

Do not go back to him. Maintain the separation as a consequences to his unacceptable behaviour and also to protect and strengthen yourself. He needs to go away and work on himself with no alterior motive but to improve himself as a man, a human and as a Christian.

Do not be fooled. Take wise counsel, pray and read your Bible. It will be revealed to you.

[Ayanna]

Hmm, I think you need to have a serious think what your priorities are.
You have to put your needs first.

He has changed, but there are still flaws that do not make you happy.
Imagine yourself living with him for another 15 years at least and you see him every day.
What would it do to you?
Are you prepared to live like this?
And then, if he sees you daily, will he switch back to his old abusive behaviour?
It is easier to pull himself together when he does not see you daily.

It is a known fact that abusers hardly change. Will he be able not to be highly abusive once you are together daily?

And then your job and social environment, do you want to give this up for him or rather not?

I think you should look into counseling. Your professional body offers 6 counseling sessions every 6 months. Take this offer. It might give you the answers you are looking for.
And also, the workplace usually offers counseling too. You could take this as well. That together would give you the support to make clear decisions.

[Jennaflorrie]

I am grateful to you both for your advice.

I should put myself first true. But, my D and S prefer the old town too.

Son says how he hates it here…D thinks he is echoing what his Dad says. Son and D are wonderful people.
D has improved since being here.

I will pray and read Bible..yes, that is true. Hopefully God will help me to make the wise decision. The Bible says God hates Divorce but people forget that God also HATES a man who covers himself in Violence.

H is not physically violent, but my trust in him is gone. And to live with him for another 15 years? That sounds awful.

[KIP.]

Red flags about your fathers estate. Your husband may have a claim on that money. Your kids will soon fly the nest anyway. You’re minimising his behaviour. Abusers rarely change. It’s just a matter of time and you’re clearly unhappy. Contact your local women’s aid. The can explain the dynamics of abuse. Using guilt to control you. Isolating you etc and I would speak to a solicitor soon x

[Jennaflorrie]

KIP my hubby says he don’t want ANY OF HIS MONEY. About my dads estate. Of course he would end up with money if it went into a property we brought together once this house was sold. BUT I just don’t trust him and I don’t know if I can face living with him full time. When he stays here for a few days at a time..all he does is complain. He says he HATES this house and will be glad when he leaves and he will never come back.

son is pressuring me too now…although he is an adult, he says he doesn’t like it here and I am breaking up the family by staying here. But when he has argued with his dad…he has told me his dad is a pain and that I would be better off living alone.

H Daughter and Son are keen to go back to old town, but not so much Daughter. But property is more expensive there and I have already put down roots here. But my in laws are expecting me to go back and tell me that the decision should be a FOUR way decision….between hubby me and son and daughter.

Not sold the house anyway, much to hubbys annoyance. So not going anywhere. Hubby says last week..he is coming to the end of the line. He feels this house will be his grave. he cant see himself escaping here. He is very gloomy. I am happy…..usually…..but he is very miserable and moans. Made up a song…….jdjddjdj the moaner, can he moan about it? jdjdjdjd the moaner, yes he can. (sung to Bob the builder tune) I guess I don’t have to divorce him, but I can tell him that I cannot live with him full time ever again. Just cant risk it

[Jennaflorrie]

Apologies for Raised capitals, meant to emphasise, not meant to be shouting. xx

[KIP.]

Hello, what I’m reading is what hubby wants and how your s and d feel. What about you in all this? Who is considering your feelings? Don’t listen to a word your husband says. When things turn nasty, which it sounds like they already are, he will use the finances for control too. He may say he doesn’t want money from your fathers estate just now but we all know that abusers are liars. Your children, as adults should be looking at your happiness too.

[Jennaflorrie]

You are right KIP. Daughter is the only one thinking of me.

This area is lovely. Pretty. surrounded by lovely countryside, nice towns near by. Nothing to dislike.

Its just because my family near by. Because I have settled. H says his work is important, but he could find something nearer? Of course my in laws are living in the old town and they are kind people, but they never ask me “what do you want to do”? Its just “Well, its a joint decision, 4 ways ”

I have made up my mind. I am never buying another property with him. I wont divorce him, due to religious reasons. But I wont be buying a property with him or living with him full time again. I just don’t trust him.

Someone said something which really sticks in my mind…….They will do what they can get away with.

They will do what they can get away with.

I feel pity for my H but no love. He is not a nice person. He is better than he was. My sister said “He is lucky that you took him back, he shouldn’t be making demands”!

[lover of no contact]

Hi jennaflorrie,

Welcome to the Forum. I too am religious and my religious beliefs were a major obstacle in me getting out of the ‘abuse cycle’ with my ex-husband. I believed in my marriage vows for better, for worse etc. I was very prone to readily forgive what I perceived were human faults and failings (it was abuse though).

Thankfully through attending support groups and a Forum like this I was able to change my religious beliefs/thinking and thus break free from my abusive marriage. I suppose I learned to stop ‘reacting to him’ thus my husband escalated the abuse and I could see it for what it was.

My mum was abusive too and then I would go to church and hear about forgiving those who sin against you. So back unto the merry-go-round of abuse I would go, for another spin.

Abuse is confusing and my nature is forgiving. Abusers prey on our soft hearts and forgiving natures. This Forum keeps me grounded in reality.

In my abusive marriage, my always forgiving enabled the abusive cycle to continue.

[Jennaflorrie]

Thanks Lover of no contact. Hope life is better for you now.

They do indeed prey on our forgiving nature and kind hearts. They sense that we can soak up all their nastiness…so THEY can function. They need to repent and sort themselves out. They are certainly not fit to live with anyone until they do.

what these abusive men are doing is sinful. full stop. And no good them praying or pretending until they sort themselves out…and we need to see genuine, prolonged change.

This house just isn’t selling….maybe God knows something about H that I don’t? Who knows. I am settled here and I have a great church here with lovely people and yet I am expected to just uproot again and go back to the old town.

Its a trust issue too. We can all only take so much. Then the worm turns.

[Author]

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