Hi, Confused and need someone to listen

[PuzzledUnicorn]

Hello, I’ve recently joined because I am surrounded by people who keep telling me I am a victim of domestic abuse and I cannot process the emotions I feel about it. I do not see myself as a victim, I’m more strong willed than what other may think. it just doesn’t always come across that way as I’m a shy person.

So basically, I was with my partner(still seeing but live separably now) for over (detail removed by Moderator) years and even though he had quirks we were happy until I fell pregnant. He was happy at the though of becoming a Parent but has no idea what it means to be a ‘Father’ and that was when I noticed that he wasn’t who I though he was.

Now I was really ill, I found out I was pregnant really early because I was just being sick, falling asleep at my desk and couldn’t even walk down the wine aisle without being disgusted. On the plus side, it was the best diet I’ve even done, I lost 20 lbs in (detail removed by Moderator) weeks!!(which I’ve now gained back with extra…) This was the whole the nine months, and I had to go to monitoring every week because my bump was small. (Baby was a healthy (detail removed by Moderator) lbs)
And instead of support I was Blamed and got called Lazy by the last person who should have said it.

Here are some examples of what happened when I was pregnant;
We were part way through moving house and my mum was helping, I was really useless so I sat down and was resting just thinking “don’t be sick” over and over. then he came in looked at me and said “(detail removed by Moderator)?!” shook me out of my trance/half asleep state asking if I was serious. At the time I just though it must be because his stressed about getting the move done and its only when I look back that I think he was a (detail removed by Moderator)!

I kept picking up on things that didn’t seem right. like the expectation of cooking, cleaning I was suppose to do. not to mention the amount of sex and money he expected from me. I started to feel resentment towards him every time he expressed his ‘disappointment’ after I said ‘no’ to his expectations.

Example 2: I had my (detail removed by Moderator) over and we were watching a film on Netflix then it was bedtime, just normal routine but then, My partner wanted to make them watch ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ rated 18! Which, as a responsible adult, I said not and continued to send the boys to bed, the oldest only just turned (detail removed by Moderator)!
Once bedtime was done I sat back on the sofa and looked at my partner then he looked at me with Pure Anger. so I asked “what? you’re not happy that i will not let an (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) year old watch an 18 rated film?” I didn’t feel scared when challenging him, because I was in the right!
Then the Crazy happened! He started to smash his head with the remote and then when the batteries fell out he dropped it and started punching himself with his fists.
I was stunned and trying to think how do I respond? I wanted to respond in a way that wouldn’t make him think this is okay because his done this before when I’ve said no. this is his full on ‘Man-child toddler tantrum’
My response got a reaction. I waited for him to stop then said as calmly as i could “(detail removed by Moderator)” to which he pinned me down on the sofa and yelled in my face. I cant remember everything that was said but things like;
– I was undermined him in front of the boys,
– I pushed him to do it,
– I was lucky it was himself and not me.
I was frozen in fear, and all I could think it well its my fault for pushing his buttons. I was still pregnant at the time so I pushed him off and shouted back at him ‘(detail removed by Moderator)?!’
He stormed out of the house but his words left my mind whirling that it was my fault. which I now know i did nothing wrong

I have more examples but my point is that I’m confused about if I have been abused, and which type of abuse? because he never hit me.

Please help me clear up my though or let me know if you feel like this too.
And if you need more examples of things he did, I’m not short of any.

Thanks for reading x

[Lisa]

Hi PuzzledUnicorn

I just wanted to show you some support. It’s not ok for you partner to expect you to cook clean, have sex when he wants and ask for money. He does not sound supportive at all.

From the incidents you have described, it sounds like he is emotionally abusive towards you. He acts like a child when he does not get what he wants and tries to make you feel guilty but you have not done anything wrong, you are a very good mum. Pinning you down is very aggressive and must have been frightening, he could have really hurt you or your baby. He blamed you for this outburst but again this was not your fault. It’s concerning that he could become physically abusive again.

I really hope you are able to get some support in place. You can find your local domestic abuse service here https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

 

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