Hi everyone, feeling sad and confused

[strawberrycarmex]

Hi all, I’m new here as I have recently just broken up with my partner for the millionth time and I want to try and stick to it now. It’s really hard not to think about the good things now he’s gone and I feel very alone but I know it’s for the best. I’m trying not to feel guilty and convince myself back into the relationship again or make excuses so I’ve joined this forum to hopefully help chat to people who are/have been in a similar situation as me.

I do think the relationship was abusive but we were also codependent on each other and very attached. We are sort of everything to each other if that makes sense. (detail removed by moderator) and I find it really hard to not keep going back as it feels extremely addictive. I think I just need to write it down to clarify to myself that I’m not mad and I do have a valid reason to leave. Maybe the abuse was not so clear to me a lot of the time as I easily forget conversations and things that happen so maybe it was a way for him to make me question my reality?

In general he did often say things to me that were quite belittling and he was very impatient and snappy with me. I don’t think he trusted me either as there were multiple instances where he would claim I was looking at another man in a certain way which was wrong (detail removed by moderator) He’d shoved me a couple times when we were out drinking, granted not enough to push me over but still a shove. He also verbally abused me in the street, threw my bag on the floor (detail removed by moderator) He punched a hole in my wall but says he was trying to do it in privacy and out of my way aka not directed at me however this was still in the same room as me and I did feel panicked as he was definitely angry (detail removed by moderator). Most of the worser incidents have been when drinking and drugs are involved. Besides that he has shouted and sworn at me, called me names, told me to shut my mouth, I guess you get the picture. This has been over quite a long period of time. There have been small or sarcastic comments said towards me regularly that may not be so obvious too but I can always just sense a sour taste with his words and I’m consistently asking myself what does he mean by that? Sometimes I have snapped back at him and then I feel guilty and wonder if I also abuse him… it’s so confusing.

It’s really hard because each time this has happened he’s tried to deflect in some way, if I bring something up I’m causing arguments and being too sensitive/need to take a joke or let it go. Usually I’m blamed for going on at him and winding him up to the point of him reacting. And that I should expect a reaction if I’m going to go on. He’s always eventually apologised and says he’d never hit me but he still tries to justify his actions, flips blame and denies any sort of abuse. The hardest bit is I don’t think he’s even self aware at all and has no idea he’s doing it. He’s got a lot on his shoulders and is stressed 24/7, and been through a lot of trauma surrounding his family life.

It’s very difficult not to feel love for him and as he has also been so kind and loving to me and I can see how much he is affected by family issues when he was younger which were not his fault. I feel so sad that he had to go through it but at the same time he is an adult now and I don’t think I should have to keep making excuses for his behaviour if he won’t go and get help. I’m quite lost and I didn’t realise how much this has affected me or how to move forward now.

Those are my reasons for leaving anyway… maybe someone can reassure I don’t know. Sorry for the long message!

[Better-days]

Hi I’m still in a relationship desperate to leave, over the years there’s been a few times it could have ended when like you I had a chance and I regret so so much going back and now two kids and years in I see no way out. Plz don’t make the mistake I have I look back and torture myself for getting to this horrible place I am in. The way you are feeling is natural it’s easier to remember the good times but you deserve to be treated better and with respect I promise he will never be able to give that to you x*x

[strawberrycarmex]

Hi better-days
I’m so sorry that you are having to go through that still. I understand it must be 10x more tough now you have your kids. My ex always wanted kids and I do too but I definitely think it would’ve been a mistake to go down that route with him. I really appreciate your message and I just hope in time I can stop thinking about him and it will be a distant memory. Thank you and I hope you are able to leave and things get better for you because you also deserve nothing but respect and kindness <3 x

[Better-days]

Thank u it means a lot. Don’t settle for less that you deserve I hope you’re ok. Stay strong x

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