Hi I’m new

[Luckybug]

Hi I’m new to the forum and just need somewhere to talk really.

Basically I’ve been with my partner (detail removed by Moderator). We own our house together. I have (detail removed by Moderator) children from my marriage before this.

My partner and I get on amazingly when we are good. But when we are bad we are bad. In the past I’ve been called fatty, piggy, have been made to feel worthless as I lost my job and despite acting like my biggest supporter I had and still have this thrown in my face. Despite having a new and better job. And part of the reason I lost my job was because my head wasn’t in it due to things going on at home. If I talk to any make friends at some point it’s used against me and I’m called derogatory names. When he gets in these moods he switches off and im expected to leave him alone for days until he snaps me it of it. He tells me he doesn’t love me and hates me. That im boring, and when I tell him how much I love him he says they’re just words and he doesn’t believe me, I just don’t want to be alone.

Well on top of that it gets physical, because I push to talk and try to sort things out (usually arguments are over pathetic things, like (detail removed by Moderator)) being strangled isn’t unusual and I’ve had bruises on my head from where he’s squared up to me. The new one is spitting in my face (detail removed by Moderator). He doesn’t hesitate to break things and then it’s my fault for pushing him.

I do love him and he has a lot of history and struggles to communicate how he feels. I don’t want to leave him. I’ve asked him to get help but he’s reluctant. I don’t know why.

Anyway sorry for the long message. I just needed to vent x.

[Lisa]

Hi Luckybug,

Welcome to the forum. I’m really glad that you’ve found this space to vent and get support from other women who understand.

It’s very common for abuse to happen in a cycle and for there to be a mix of good and bad times with an abuser. This is part of what can make domestic abuse so confusing and emotionally damaging. It’s from someone that you love and have hopes for a future with. Abuse is all about power and control and he is the one taking control of when you’re allowed the good times. It’s really important that you’re in control of the decision about whether you want to stay or leave, no one here will judge you for that and most, if not all, will be able to relate to how you’re feeling.

You mentioned not understanding why he doesn’t reach out for some help for himself. It is his responsibility to get support and his reluctance to get support, even though it sounds like you’ve tried to help him do this, is telling. Most people would understand that this kind of abusive behaviour is unacceptable towards anyone, let alone a partner, and would want to seek help to change or might even decide leave if they don’t think they can change so as not to continue hurting someone they care about. Abusers don’t take real responsibility for their behaviour or feel that they should change, frequently blaming others for their actions so see no need to seek support.

It sounds really difficult and scary that things sometimes get physical. Blows to the head and strangulation are both particularly dangerous and it’s important to get checked by a medical professional after something like this happens to make sure there’s no delayed or lasting damage. These escalations are not your fault. They aren’t because you push and try to talk about things. He is solely responsible for assaulting you, there is nothing that you could do that would justify this kind of reaction. Abuse is a choice the perpetrator makes.

If you wanted to reach out for some ongoing support, you could speak to your local domestic abuse service, they should empower you to make decisions and help you plan how to stay safe. To discuss your situation in more detail you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Ricepudding]

Hi I’m new to this feel stupid and confused and shamed. It all started (detail removed by Moderator) years ago I left my first relation after he hit me many times said horrible thing then told me he wished he’d gone out with my sister bye. Then I meet my partner thought he was the one (detail removed by Moderator) years latter my eyes have been opened. I lost my mom (detail removed by Moderator).my life was blown apart I had to go on antidepressants and see a Councillor. I found it hard to open up but when I did some thing started to make sense now. The lack of friends. He makes comment about what I wear. He phones me all the time why haven’t you answered where are you when are you getting back who are you talking to. He drives past work just to see if the car is OK.The last one is we have motion cameras in the house which he keeps watching when I am home. But now I am Tring to work out when did it start is it all in my head is he just looking out for me.

[Grey Rock]

Hi. I’m sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found the forum and are posting.

What you describe sounds very familiar. Abusing comments, gaslighting, isolating you, video cameras to monitor and control. Coercive control is illegal. Abusers don’t go back to being their person they pretended to be at the start. Googling the cycle of abuse might be useful. Please do reach out for support from your local Domestic Abuse charity or Women’s resource centre. If you live somewhere very isolated perhaps it would be easier to speak with your doctor who can put you in touch with an appropriate organisation.

Please don’t expend too much precious energy trying to unravel the history of this relationship just now. That can all be done with support (maybe through doing the Freedom Program?) later on. Likelihood is that you’re physically and mentally exhausted at the moment just getting through each day, so any extra bits of energy need to be used for planning your future and safeguarding yourself.

Being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave. You are an adult and have human rights and are allowed to leave – he hasn’t got to like it.

Take care. And keep reading and posting on here. This forum really helped me when I was getting out / had just got out.

GR xx

[Ricepudding]

Thank you it’s nice to have some to talk too and understand what it like

[Author]

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