Hi I’m new and so confused

[Munchkin04]

I really don’t know where to begin. I’ve been with my partner for (removed by moderator) years and in my gut I’ve always known something was wrong. I look at myself over and over questioning myself. I feel like I’m going mad and want to scream from the rooftops in frustration. He gets so frustrated with the smallest thing, I can’t calm him, he twists everything is clever with words and I end up doubting myself. His temper is scary and he has been physically abusive. He never acknowledges things I say he gets me in such a muddle then tells me I talk rubbish. Brings up my past and tells me I’m just like his ex wife. When he’s not angry he is so lovely. I’m so confused. He criticises me then says it’s a joke. He doesn’t see reason or my side. I know in my heart I tell the truth when it comes to what’s happened and what started the arguments but he’ll turn it around lie about what happened and tell me he can’t talk to me I get defensive I don’t understand him I talk rubbish I can’t talk simple English. If I ask him to explain what he means as I do t understand he gets frustrated. He tells me that his friend agrees with him when he goes and tells him how I’ve been towards him. If I’m ill he gets frustrated. He’s always got something wrong he’s always moaning about something and I show empathy and understanding yet I feel like I don’t receive any. He only seems happy when he’s gaining something. He plays the victim so often and is so nice to others. I love him so much. Well I think I do I do t know anymore. I spend so many days in the bathroom crying trying to make sense of his warped sense of reality. I moved away from family to be with him and was very low at the time. He told me I cause him a problem. I just don’t know anymore. Sorry I’m rambling on I just need to talk to somebody. Im so so lonely x

[ladiesand gentlemen]

PLEASE get away from him as soon as you can, I know exactly how you feel, you love him BUT it doesn’t feel right, PLEASE listen to that voice within, its your subconscious telling you this is a dangerous situation.
Mine started off okay, then slowly slowly the abuse started, the little comments, the odd push or shove, keeping me away from family and friends, on and on over the years to full blown abuse in every way possible !!!! It made me physically ill and I had a full blown nervous breakdown, its taken me many many years to recover, PLEASE get our before the major damage is done.
It not you its him, he will make things all about him, play with your mind, make you feel guilty etc etc.
YOU are worth SO much more, the comparing to the ex wife is HIM never taking responsibility for his Failings in life, mine did the same re multiple wives, they cant all be wrong !!!
ALWAYS playing the victim, ganging up on you via others, classic abuser tactics, moving away from people is another one, I have been moved around so many times I have no friends left, classic abuse and control, if you have no one else he can use his coercive control even more !!!
It will get worse I’m afraid, listen to the ladies on here, we ALL know what you are going through, speak to Women’s aid, a friend, a relative, they WILL help you.
WELL DONE you have reached out, stay strong, take it easy with yourself
Virtual hugs x*x

[Munchkin04]

Thank you for replying. It’s so so hard having to make a decision you don’t want to make. In the hope that things will change. When I get a glimpse of the loving person he can be I give in. He never apologised though to him it’s like it never happened. He will tell me it’s not me it’s him when he’s calm. But i never know when it’s going to happen. I’m bobbing along treading carefully so not to upset him. I gain courage to talk to him which usually ends in him getting frustrated. He’s always telling me I’m acting differently when I know I’m not it’s like he’s looking for something to provoke me. He tells me all the things in me and yet he does all of them and worse. If I say anything that’s a slight criticism he takes it that I’m telling him he’s wrong and gets funny with me. He suggests things I should wear or how to have my hair and I don’t mind it, but if I don’t do it without him suggesting he says he thought this was different that it’s not reality it’s all false. I just don’t have his obsessive nature. He is a recovering alcoholic and he has an obsessive nature with a lot of things. He gets angry if a car is too slow in front of him. If the dog gets in his way. Says he can’t do anything without there being something or someone in his way. He says he has to think about what he’s doing like if he makes a drink he has to make me one or he thinks I’ll have a moan. I tell him that if I’m making a drink I’ll ask him out of courtesy. He is so concerned with how things impact him without thinking about the other person and how they feel. I could go on. I’m just so low. We haven’t spoken for days. I’ve tried to calm things reason. He’s twisted things to suit him and accused me of something I haven’t even done. Then said he’s getting on with his life and I should think about what I want. I didn’t start this I’m just trying to stick to the truth and get some reasoning. He’s changed his turn of events to suit him and I can’t win. X

[ladiesand gentlemen]

Sounds SO much like my life, treading on eggshells, trying again and again to make it work. Its HIM never YOU. They make us THINK we rely on them, mine was the same making me have short hair, dowdy clothes, if fact he took ALL of ME away, stopped listening to my music, stopped dancing, stopped laughing etc etc
They want to take over, and when challenged they get the hump, changing mood with the wind Jekyll and Hyde, charming to others miserable with us, ALL classic abuse tactics !!!
The quick to anger thing is classic too, they cannot control themselves, road rage, angry with animals and children, easy to do that if your a big bully, yet they want all the glory if their child has done well, I have been through exactly the same, trying SO hard to make him love me, NEVER getting anything back.
Not talking to you is another control tactic, make you feel like its your fault, they NEVER admit that they are at fault, ALWAYS work,parents,kids,the slow driver etc ALL classic n********t behaviour !!!
its REALLY REALLY hard, but PLEASE get away from him, those glimpses of the man you fell for WILL get less and less and from what I know and what I’ve read on here it WILL get worse !!!
Read some other posts, the ladies on here have seen it all, have great advice and will support you with what they say ,and you will get strength you probably, at the moment dont think you have.
Stay strong, hold your head up high ITS NOT YOUR FAULT
Keep posting, keep reading, keep reaching out,
Take care of yourself x*x

[Munchkin04]

Thank you so much. It does help to read on here. I was always such a positive person now I am nothing like that. I don’t know if it’s me. I messaged him (removed by moderator) asking if I cooked would he be around to eat. He replied that if I (removed by moderator). I said to him that I was just looking for a yes or no (removed by moderator). He said it’s too difficult and he wants nothing. I have been civil I say good morning. He goes out every eve till I am in bed. He hasn’t said two words to me. I feel like he’s always pointing out my faults. Maybe I’m too sensitive x

[Grey Rock]

Welcome. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I could have written your post word for word when I was still with my ex. Dr Ramani was a massive help for me when I found her videos on YouTube. It is massively confusing and exhausting living with someone like this and it’s easy to lose faith in your own thoughts and gut feelings. There’s a better life waiting if you can bring yourself to leave. Women’s Aid can help. Why not call them and have a chat as a first step? These people never change. We just get to see less and less of the darling prince and more and more of the true snake within.

[Anonymous]

Munchkin04 it’s all childish tactics to keep the polarity in a way so he stays elevated and you stay under he’s triangulating baiting and goading , gaslighting you , projecting , his friend may not have even said anything about you they like to bring people in( sometimes fake conversations)as an added encouragement to their fake superiority attempt to keep you under the fact you said your not sure if you love him anymore shows his behaviour is killing your feeling for him ( and it will and that’s a really good thing)I had a sibling who use to use the term , everyone or no one as an extra attempt to crush me down ( it’s all smoke and mirrors) he could be lying to people about you just to get them to say something about you , just see it for what it is classic childish schoolyard bully games, the mr nice mr nasty is a way to keep you addicted and trauma bonded to him your his primary source of supply don’t be a host to a parasite you weren’t born for that, I know it’s easier said than done but full on separation lifelong disconnection in every way is the only way to go , your dealing with a possibly character disorded individual , I hope you can see things for what they are now💛💛💛

[ladiesand gentlemen]

Its NOT YOU its him, as you can see we all know what he’s doing and why, he will continue until you break away from him(in your own mind at first)so many of us have experienced the same thing, they will use any tactic to get what they want and to keep control.
I WAS exactly the same as you from a happy positive person to a shuffling(Literally)wreck, unsure of every decision always checking with him first, doing ALL I could to please him, it was never enough, never good enough, he completely destroyed me in every way possible.
I would talk to Women’s aid, your GP,anyone you can trust, I did that recently with my wider family and was surprised just how much they had worked out for themselves.
As we cant reveal ages on here, just to say as an older lady, PLEASE get away from him as soon as you can, this will get worse !!!!
Maybe you are a sensitive person(they like that)in my mind its perfect to be sensitive, makes YOU a very valuable person and you DONT need this horror in your life !!!!
Its really really hard to break away(you think you love him) PLEASE believe me when you break that last little bit of bond, you will feel 10 feet tall and stronger than ever.
Ignore him, see how that goes for now, YOU are SO MUCH better than this relationship
Stay safe, believe in yourself
Take it easy x*x

[Munchkin04]

Thank you all so so much. He has messaged to tell me it’s over and he wants to tell me what he’s going to do going forward. I’m scared to listen. I’m a wreck I’m at work in a heap. Why? He’s being so flippant with me making comments that are so not needed. A horrid attitude towards me like I mean nothing to him. That’s what is upsetting. The way he acts he switches off all emotion like I don’t mean anything. I feel sick. I am an older lady I have two failed marriages behind me I thought this was different. He’s always told me this is different for him he’s had so many relationships all have failed. I have had a couple and feel so naive and not worldly. I’m a wreck x

[Anonymous]

Munchkin04 he’s a sick minded individual who is still trying to control you at a distance he’s intention trying to hurt you all of his relationships have ended and that’s for a very good reason he can’t sustain them or he’s been left , these people don’t have normal empathy capacity it’s really not worth trying to figure out the why’s and wherefore’s with him he’s banking on that to keep you confused and under just where he like you the most and where we want you to get back up from , he’ll probably try to , make you jealous , harass you , lie about you try and get you to feel sorry for him and use every trick in the book , you’ve got our support , Lisa is there too , women’s aid , instructional videos you’ve got a whole host of things please take care , there may come a day your teaching these things to other people who are unsure , self esteem drained and psychologically feeling trapped but you can’t be you while your there ,it’s adult men having childish tantrums see it as that and the polarity should change a little 💖💞💖

[Lisa]

Hi Muchkin04,

First, welcome to the forum. I can see you have already received a good amount of insight and support from the other users. Please do prioritise your wants and needs in all this. This is no doubt a very anxious, emotional time for you and understandably so. Feel all that you need to feel. Just know this man wasn’t ever going to change for you (or anybody) and ultimately separation can mean a new start where you can look forward to living your days without an abuser constantly chipping away at your self worth and confidence. The positive person you remembered yourself to be will come back and you will flourish.
Do speak with your local domestic abuse service so you are not going through this alone. They can help put things in perspectives, assure you of options and keep you focused on doing what you feel is necessary. They’ll understand what you are going through. Know that you owe him nothing at this point. He wants to even separate all on his terms and meet with you, but if you are not comfortable with that, you can set boundaries as to how you want to move forward. For example if you must have some level of communication, you can text him that this is only to be done via email to minimise him trying to control, intimidate or manipulate. And this way, you have everything on record.
For extra support over the phone when you need, you can try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200, or visit their website at http://www.supportline.org.uk.
I hope you find this useful. Do keep posting to let us know how you get on.
All the best,

Lisa

[Munchkin04]

I am overwhelmed by your words all of you. Thankyou. I am scared as I live with him and I know he’s not going to want to split the house fairly. He’s always said I didn’t put in as much as him. I paid a fair amount I had from a previous split and have given the house love and monetary input monthly. I am scared to even listen as he always tell me how this is affecting him and he’ll do something silly if this continues. Start drinking again for example. I know I will cry and I don’t want to in front of him anymore he hates tears has no time for them x

[Author]

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