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Hello,
I’m new to the forum.
I have been reading some posts and will respond to some of them soon.
I was wondering how you ladies cope with the guilt tripping from an abuser?I was in a (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship, we were together from the age of (detail removed by Moderator).
I’d say he was always clingy and jealous, I slowly stopped hanging out with my friends because he wanted all my time.
We had our first child when we were (detail removed by Moderator).
Id say this was when the proper abuse started.
I think perhaps he was jealous about not having all my time and attention.
He was very lazy, never cooked or cleaned, never did any washing up etc..
I worked fulltime until (detail removed by Moderator) before my due date and had to do all the house stuff, even putting out the heavy wheelie bins etc..
This behaviour has kept on even now when we have 2 children, I work full-time and he only works (detail removed by Moderator) hours a week.
I would do all the housework, he doesn’t even know how to use washing machine.
He is still very jealous, his behaviour escalated to accusations of affairs, not being where I said I was, including work.
He would constantly ring and text asking when I’m home.
There was a physical assault earlier in the year and I never reported it.
Since then,I think that was the turning point for me.
I think he sensed how I resented him and his control and cohesion got worse.
Things came to ahead in (detail removed by Moderator) while we were on holiday.
I called the police and he was locked up for 24 hours, then they set bail (detail removed by Moderator).
After the bail ended, I applied for non-molestation and occupation orders. (detail removed by Moderator)
(detail removed by Moderator)
(detail removed by Moderator) he tried to enter property, even though I asked him to stay away for now.
(detail removed by Moderator)
He left in the end because he was worried about getting arrested again.
Over the weeks he has bombarded me with messages and phone calls.
He takes the kids to school since I start work before they start school.
I don’t really want him doing this as its too easy for him to get to me, I’d rather no contact.
My mum lives nearby and can do the school runs.
He constantly makes me feel guilty, he’s homeless and in debt because of me, he’s lost everything because of me.
The kids lives are upside down because of me.
He says all this and more.
I can see on this forum that guilt tripping is a common trait for an abuser.
How do you deal with it?
I feel like a yoyo, one minute I want to work at the relationship, the next I never want to see him again.
It’s took all my strength not to give in to him so far and I’ve kept him out.
The police have been fantastic.
I have had to call them a couple of times (detail removed by Moderator).
Sorry for the long post, I thought I’d give a bit of background.
There has been much more abuse, it would take all day to list it all. -
Hi Footballfan1,
Welcome to the forum, it’s good that you have been reading some posts and are recognising his behaviours for what they are.
These men are so self centred and entitled aren’t they! Everything is always all about them and not one bit of consideration for anyone else. (detail removed by Moderator).
The fact that you know that this is guilt tripping should help you feel that you are not responsible for what is happening in his life now and that he is responsible for the consequences of his behaviour. Put your boundaries in place for what you think is acceptable and stick to them. He says he is homeless, where is he sleeping? If he is at a relative’s house or a friend’s house then he is not ‘on the streets’ homeless and there is a process he can go through to enquire about housing. He can find full time work if he needs more money. These are his problems for him to solve, not yours and not your responsibility.
Ask your mum to take the children to school if this is less conflicting for them at the moment. If he wants to see the children then try and sort something out with a third party mutual friend/relation to help arrange that, but having him in your life on a daily basis at the moment is not going to make things any easier as you’re having no space from him at all. If he is going to harass you and continue to abuse you you have every right to stop him seeing the children and he can contact a solicitor for a Child Arrangement Order to be drawn up.
I understand this is a very difficult time for you as you have been together since you were (detail removed by Moderator) and probably have no other relationship experience to gauge this by. Over the years you have grown from children to adults but you have not matured the same and have now grown apart. Although he was the part time worker it doesn’t seem that he pulled his weight with the child care and running of the household and you were left to do the bulk of everything, add in to this the violence and abuse it’s no wonder you have had enough now.
Stay on track to end this relationship if that’s what you want. Just because you have been with him for most of your life doesn’t mean you have to spend the rest of your life with him. There are lots of men out there who do not treat women this way, but first you must learn to live independently and get a good support network around you. If your mum is willing and is close by then this will be invaluable, I was fortunate enough to have my mum AND my ex’s mum help me with my son and I don’t know what I’d have done without them.
So, firm boundaries are the answer to your question, and not to take on any guilt for his consequences to his actions.
xx
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Hi Wants to help.
Thank you for your reply.
You have hit the nail on the head.
You are very perceptive.
I’m glad you got to the other side and have moved on.
It’s great you had both your Mum and ex’s mum to help out.
(detail removed by Moderator)
Yes your right, I’ve had no other relationship other than with ex, he was my first and only partner.
I’m not in any rush for another relationship, I have my 2 beautiful sons to bring up first and my job which I love.
I am very grateful for what I have and I feel for lots of the ladies on this forum, its truly awful how much abuse is happening.
I will take your advice and set clear boundaries.
He is currently at his mums but he said she wants him gone (detail removed by Moderator).
I suspect this is a tactic to make me feel guilty as his mum is very lonely and doesn’t have a car, I’m sure she is grateful to have her son around with a car yo get groceries, go to appointments etc.. xx -
He’ll be as likely to be (detail removed by Moderator) very soon as I am to winning the Euromillions next week!
If I end up winning the Euromillions I’ll pay for a hotel for him – at the opposite end of the country to where you are!Be prepared for his hoovering tactics now then if he is starting to tell you his sob story of woes and how awful his life is going to be. Your life has been awful with him in it and he was never prepared to listen to anything you had to say, so let his woes go in one ear and out of the other too. Our many mistakes (I’ve made them too) is when we listen to them and actually start to believe them and feel sorry for them.
I went back to my ex after hearing his sob story and believing how much he was going to change and do things ‘differently’ but within 48 hours of returning he started to go back on what he said and suggest that I be the one who does things ‘differently’ as they were the things that made him angry with me and react in a certain way to me. Thankfully, I’d had some DA input at that point so I left again very quickly and went back to refuge and I’ve never been with him since. Never looked back either, and I was your age when I left him.
You sound as though you know what you want now and that you’re on the right track. As everyone on here will say, look at their actions, don’t listen to their words. You’ll see he’ll start off saying all the ‘right things’ but when you don’t fall for them he’ll escalate to the nasty behaviours we’ve come to know very quickly.
xx
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Lol that made me laugh about the lottery!
Your right, they don’t change and never will.
Your ex sounds just as horrible as mine.
What makes some people behave this way I’ll never know.He absolutely can get more work, it is his responsibility.
He has gone through life dropping out of jobs, having time off sick, falling out with colleagues etc and I was always there to catch his fall.
Thats one of the reasons I work fulltime and not him, he isn’t reliable enough.I know what you mean about changing tactics, one minute he is nice and says nice things, the next he has flipped and is psychotic.
This led to an incident (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago, I hadn’t let him in the house at all then we had 3 or 4 good days.
I let my guard down and let him in.
He was (detail removed by Moderator) early collecting the boys, it was (detail removed by Moderator).
I went upstairs to get the boys dressed and he followed me.
One minute he had been calm, next he started shouting at me about (detail removed by Moderator).
I had let him take them to look at and he said I (detail removed by Moderator).
I really had not done this!
He said hand them over to me now , I said I don’t have anything to handover.
I ran down the stairs to get him away from the kids.
He followed me.
He got right in my face and was shouting.
I asked him to leave, he refused.
I had left my phone (detail removed by Moderator) so I started to run (detail removed by Moderator) to get it to call the police.
He grabbed my leg and dragged me (detail removed by Moderator).
He was going crazy shouting, my eldest heard the commotion and was crying (detail removed by Moderator).
(detail removed by Moderator).
In the end I (detail removed by Moderator), he would be in big trouble for being here.
He legged it out of the house.
(detail removed by Moderator) -
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Hi Footballfan1,
You sound so on track with his manipulations.
I am imagining that you have only stayed with him all this time because he has been so successful at blaming you for all the abuse, (via his denials, blames and minimisations), and that you have no experience of other relationships, or indeed living by yourself because of your age when you met and became involved.
This makes me very sure that it him that has broken up the family, its him that has made himself homeless, and its him that has put himself in this situation. All of that is totally on him. I’m pretty sure that all you wanted to do what to stop the abuse, and thats what you’ve now done, and continue to do. It is very hard, it can be, incredibly difficult to stop them getting through to you. They can be like water, you plug up one leak and another one springs up. Keep plugging the gaps, you need to match him move for move, and I’m so glad you have the police on your side, keep reporting each incident to them.
(detail removed by Moderator)
Have you got support locally, as they can also put you in touch with other services to further secure your house, change locks, put camera’s up and lights, as well as advising on keeping safe. Also the Stalking Helpline may be able to offer further suggestions.
warmest wishes
ts
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Hi and welcome, HFHelp has already given you some sound advice…. I wanted to add about hoovering tactics…
I was with my husband about the same amount of years as you were with yours (detail removed by Moderator)….
When I finally separated ((detail removed by Moderator) attempt) he acted suicidal, depressed. The (detail removed by Moderator) time he said he was suicidal I rang the police do to a welfare check and he never claimed suicide again, he uses his awful childhood as a way to manipulate, he suddenly wanted to do ‘jobs” around the home (the family home which he neglected for all the years we were there), he used our children trying to emotionally manipulate them…
I stopped him seeing our teenagers as he was claiming bad mental health, of course I wouldn’t let anyone near my children if they are telling me they are mentally unstable… he blamed me for his mental health of course he did, then blamed me for tearing family apart, he has nothing and I have everything blah blah… it didn’t stop until zero contact..
My advice is yes zero contact if you can. Ask your mum to do school drop off. Go no contact if you can ❤ do not listen to a word he says as he will keep lying to you to get what he wants which is a way ‘in’ …these men like to win as it is like a game to them x
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Hi thanks for your reply.
I’m sorry to hear you had a similar experience, and for (detail removed by Moderator).
It’s a long time isn’t it.
I’m glad you were determined to get through all the challenges.
My ex has done the same over the years, threatening suicide.
He had a difficult childhood too and I used that as an excuse for too long.
Lots of people have difficult childhoods and become decent humans regardless.
I’m definitely going to look at the 0 contact thanks, my head is much better when I dont hear from him.
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I had to call the police again (detail removed by Moderator) after a calm few days.
He dropped the kids off from school and asked if he could come in to talk.
I agreed and asked me why I don’t love him anymore etc..
Nothing I was going to say would be the right answer.
Within 5 minutes, he had escalated quickly.
He threatened physical assault.
(detail removed by Moderator)
I called 999.
Eventually (detail removed by Moderator)
2 police officers came and logged the incident.
They suggested no contact for a week and have told him this too. -
Morning Footballfan,
I am so sorry that he escalated again, it’s so important that you are reporting the incident… power to you x
As the police have told him to stay away and for you to go zero contact for a week is a good time for you to clear your head from him. It is difficult to heal when they are still in your life, if he comes to you at all ignore him and ring the police, no matter what lies he is saying to you.
You sound strong, keep pushing forward, baby steps if it all gets too much ❤️-
Thanks Hereforhelp,
Your right, I need to use this time to clear my head without him being in it.
It all came from nowhere, the anger.
I’m going to get in touch with the children’s school and fill them in.
I hadn’t done so yet, but I think it’s needed.
The police said the school would have been notified by them anyway for safeguarding purposes. X
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Does he often ask you if he can come in to have a talk? This sounds like a manipulation tactic to get you to let him inside the house, so he doesn’t have to leave right away etc. It doesn’t sound like he had anything real to talk about, he went straight to guilt tripping. Take this week of no contact to get some much needed breathing space for you and your kids.
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Hi Hope22,
He mostly tries talking to me on the phone, but this time, he text asking if we could talk when he dropped the boys off from school, he asked me to hear him out.
I honestly thought the talk wouldn’t go too bad since he had worded it like that, and we had had a not too bad week.
I hadn’t let him in the house since a different incident a while ago, this was the first time in a while that I let him in.
I usually take the keys out of the locks and hide them when I know he’s picking up and dropping the kids off even though I’m not letting him in, just incase he tries it on.
I’m not letting him in again, I told him he has blown his last chance yesterday before he left.
(Legal detail removed by Moderator).
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It just goes to show you that its all manipulation. Your ex found out a way to get you to let him in the house again, even though he clearly had nothing of importance to say. (Detail removed by Moderator). Your ex is only thinking about himself and will say what ever it takes to benefit him. Stay strong, you are doing great!
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