Hi … new , suffering badly

[Fuzzyfelt]

My fiancé ended it (detail removed by moderator), a petty argument that escalated out of control. since then he has ignored me, blamed me for my anxiety and lack of understanding. I was suicidal as he had become my life and I was wracked with guilt.
Friends have since said that he is abusive. And I googled (detail removed by moderator) and OMG it described our relationship. He love bombed me, asked me to marry him, bought me clothes,furniture, weekends away … phoned / messaged incessantly. Amazing sex, I felt worshipped. Then gradually it stopped… he said I was needy, and he would switch his phone off, say he told me things and blame my bad memory ( when I knew he hadn’t told me) he slowly changed the rules until I was obsessed all the time . The anxiety in my stomach was crippling… if I questioned him he would then ignore me .
he would FaceTime me if I went anywhere, questioned who I’d seen , ask to see my intimate parts to see if there was any evidence of other men! He called me needy when I needed treatment for an abnormal smear test. Said I overanalysed everything but he’d forgive my behaviour.. said I’d never been loved as much but yet I didn’t feel it.
Now he’s ended it he ignored all my messages for a week.. I was suicidal. I decided to go no contact and now he’s threatened police as wants all the gifts back ( he messaged my friend) I have ignored this and got locks changed. Now he’s started going up school to get his daughter when his ex had stopped him from going up there. It’s like he’s taunting me!
Prior to all this we had a 2.5 yr affair after he pursued me for over a year ( he said he felt no guilt) I ended it and no contact for 7 months . I Started a new relationship and he came back into my life, flew to where I was holidaying and proposed in front of friends. I fell for it.
I have been left broken, lost my future, I can barely function.
I be deleted all social media and asked friends not to tell me anything . But now he’s trying to get at me and I just want to move on

[KIP.]

Hey there. He sounds like such a typical abuser. You’re doing the right thing by going total no contact. If he tries to contact you I would get the police involved. He sounds like my ex. He won’t take no for an answer. If you had an affair with him then he’s also a cheater. My ex had a woman lined up to try and make me jealous. Typical abuser behaviour. They are also accomplished liars. You will get over this. You will get stronger and you will realise what a lucky escape you have had. Don’t fall for his games again.

[Fuzzyfelt]

Thank you for your reply KIP, I’m did contact the police and they advised me he’s psychologically abusive and said to keep no contact. They were going to visit him but I didn’t want him to know he’d rattled me. I’ve had my locks changed now as he refused to give them back until he’d got everything back he’d bought me.
He’s very clever and in the forces, very charming too . I can’t cope with him going up school and also I’m getting paranoid he’s going back to his wife and she’ll be laughing at me. Iwont let him back but yet I yearn for the man I thought he was… and it hurts so much.

[IrisAtwood]

I am always surprised when I read how similar accounts are of a certain type of abusive man. It breaks my heart that so many of us have suffered and are suffering because of their abuse.

Mine also ended the relationship during a very petty discussion and without any warning at all. He gave me two days to leave our home at the same time as I had several other major, life changing, upsetting experiences.

During the relationship he often told me that I had forgotten things because of my bad memory. He told me that I was crazy, that I needed help, that he would try and help me to become more normal. He would change the subject frequently and interrupt me constantly when we were talking. I have found out that all of this is called gaslighting and is part of the abuse that women like you and me, and many, many others experience.

I also recognise the feeling of being broken and having lost your future. The thing to remember is that you still have a future – a future in which you can live a life free from abuse. Recovery is possible. I moved out almost six weeks ago and despite feeling as you do now for the first few weeks I am now feeling more positive and can think more clearly about what happened.

You can recover and things can be better than they are now.

[Greyskydarkdays]

It may seem hard but stay strong, you don’t want to be decades in then wishing that time he walked out I wish I’d have stayed away, trust me if I could go back to the day he walked out I’d be a different person now, but instead I’m lonely no friends hate myself can’t do anything right can’t think for myself the list goes on, he will do anything to get you to come bk, I hope u have the strength to stay away good luck to you, keep smiling

[Fuzzyfelt]

Ladies, I feel for you both and yes we will survive and yes I’m glad I’m out. The hardest thing is coming to terms with the fact it was an illusion… and I was never loved.
He chased me for years and I was never interested in him as ( I’m told I’m attractive) and he is bald, overweight and not attractive… my friends don’t understand how I could of liked him. He got under my skin I guess.
I went to body combat last night and boy did I punch and kick and it felt great!!!!
I’m just anxious now if he will be at the school later .. guess I’ll have to pretend he doesn’t exist. Just hope he doesn’t go up there with his ex or I may lose it!

[KIP.]

Try not to think of her. She will have been abused too and if he has managed to manipulate his way back it will be to try to make you jealous and get a reaction from you. She is just another victim and you should pity her. Can you get someone else to go to school till you feel stronger? Yes it’s hard to realise they wear a mask. But he has shown you his true colours, believe him x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Fuzzyfelt,
Congrats you’re out. Sorry you’re going through the tough lost and lonely and can’t manage without him period. That’s rough. I have never physically left mine, but have emotionally left him many times. Sounds bizarre I know, but listening to everyone’s posts about how it feels, it’s remarkably like when I’m psyching myself up to leave and refuse to sleep in same bed, no physical contact, barely speak etc and his attempts to bully or sweet talk me back before crushing me again for daring to push him away and stand up for myself.
So when I say I sort of understand, I really do. Your mind is full of doubts whether you’re doing the right thing, longing for the ‘nice’ him to hold you, tell you he loves you and makes it all go away etc.
Fuzzyfelt, it just gets worse and worse until there’s no kindness let alone love from them. You can’t back down AGAIN because you just don’t have the strength or energy to do it all again and your defensive walls around the tiny remnant which was once your heart are so thick and high you feel numb like a robot going through the motions of existing, surviving from one day to the next. You feel bad now, but you’re just pining the loss of the FEELING of being loved and cherished. Losing actual love is very hard, but you have your precious memories to hold on to. Losing a fake love like we do I believe is harder because we eventually realise that none of it was real and wonder if they ever felt anything but power over us. When you feel yourself weakening or like me just needing a hug because you’re hurting so badly, stop and remind yourself that he doesn’t love, care, or respect you, he isn’t honest and open or faithful to you. And he’s the one who threw you aside when he decides he wants a change. They lose their hold over us then. It makes it easier to see through their masks and keep seeing the real cold hearted, cruel men they really are. Don’t end up like Greysky, myself and others suffering decades of abuse until you feel like a robotic shell of yourself. Hold onto who you are and keep punching and kicking!!

[IrisAtwood]

‘Losing a fake love like we do I believe is harder because we eventually realise that none of it was real and wonder if they ever felt anything but power over us.’

‘The hardest thing is coming to terms with the fact it was an illusion… and I was never loved.‘

I agree with both of these statements. It works both ways though. I realise now that I was in love with a fantasy, not the real man that I lived with.

The full horror of his not loving me hit me when I was talking about how I wished I was dead and he told me that I could kill myself as my adult child (a major reason for my staying safe) would get over it. I do not know a single other person who would say that to a stranger, let alone someone they said they loved. The contrast with my response to his own threats and attempts was astonishing. I was shocked, heartbroken and wanted to protect him and keep him safe. That memory is one of many that I return to when I start sliding down the rabbit hole of missing him.

I spent (detail removed by moderator) with my ex and he nearly killed me. God knows where I would have been after decades, so his leaving me as a (detail removed by moderator) punishment was actually a gift of freedom – once I recover!

[Fuzzyfelt]

‘Losing a fake love like we do I believe is harder because we eventually realise that none of it was real and wonder if they ever felt anything but power over us.’

‘The hardest thing is coming to terms with the fact it was an illusion… and I was never loved.‘

Those quotes reduce me to tears as it’s so spot on. And yes you are all so right. TBH I never considered him abusive and was on the waiting list to deal with my anxiety that was ruining my relationship!!! Enough of this madness… how I wish I could wipe him from my mind and heart and not waste an atom more energy on this B*****d

I didn’t go to the school today and got a friend to pick my son up to avoid seeing him. I have also made enquiries about changing schools as my lad isn’t that happy at the school. Then I can rule out anymore playground meetings. I’m trying to cut out all opportunity for any meetings .
And yes all that kicking and punching feels great ( hopefully I’ll have very toned arms ASAP)
Nb he’s not my sons dad

[Author]

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