Hi! New to this forum and can’t seem to heal.

[Palo Santo]

Hi everyone,

I’m obviously new here. I left an physically and emotionally abusive relationship (detail removed by Moderator). For a long time I felt I wasn’t as abused as other women and therefore felt embarrassed posting on forums like this. Fast forward to now and I fully realise what I went through was traumatic and serious.

My ex never hit me you see. This was always his justification as to why he wasn’t abusive. He used to call me names, threaten to take our son away from me if I left, told me no one would want me, a single mum of two. He used to get angry when ever I questioned his love for me which would result in more name calling, threatening to put the dog down, threatening me. He would then apologise and say he was disgusted with himself and when angry wanted to hurt me as much as possible but I would make him angry because of the way I spoke to him (apparently like a child being told off). He was also sexually pushy and agressive and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

By the time I had decided to leave he had kicked me (pushing me with his foot he used to call it), thrown things at me, would square up to me and raise his fist to me, would grab me in a head lock if I tried to leave the house. He eventually strangled me three times. I still didn’t fully leave him.

The thing that made me finally leave was witnessing him kicking our dog repetitively one morning and that’s what made me call the police. I realised in that moment I wasn’t the problem and it took him attacking a defenseless animal showed me that.

(detail removed by Moderator) He claimed I was abusive to him which the police or social services didnt persure.

(detail removed by Moderator)

At every step I’ve tried to move forward but it’s not easy. Now the problems I have are around our son, drug abuse and my sons behaviour. I’ve spoke to social services who say I’m in a tricky position as I’m d****d if I do and d****d if I don’t. If I pull contact courts will feel its hasty and if I’m seen to not act, I am considered an unfit mother. Recently my son who is (detail removed by Moderator) has come home saying “mummy’s house dangerous, all better now” and it breaks my heart knowing the manipulation of our son has started. God knows the impact this will have on him.

I find everything exhausting and I try to deal with each problem as it arises but honestly, I’m tired. I’m emotionally exhausted and I feel like I can’t move on. We also work for the same company and (detail removed by Moderator) I was approached to say he threatened another woman in work (as banter) but said (detail removed by Moderator) and it brings everything flooding back.

I was hoping to reach out to others who have been through others and who can relate hence why I’ve joined this forum. It would be refreshing to speak to others who understand as I feel like people around me don’t ‘get it’. So hi! Sorry it’s a hi under such sad circumstances for everyone on this forum.

Thank you for reading my post.

[Watersprite]

Hello and welcome so sorry for what you have been and are going through. You have done so well to leave and think letting SS know sounds like a sensible plan it is good things are on record. The most important thing is to build yourself up as you can’t pour from an empty teapot. It must be so hard having contact and hearing things at work and from your son. It is hard to heal when that is still ongoing. I know it’s not fair but is there anything you could do to reduce that? Have you had support to help you process what happened – maybe you could get some talking therapies or do the freedom project? I think it’s very normal to still struggle – it takes a long time – be kind to yourself. I really understand and others who haven’t been through it can expect you to just get over it – it’s just not that easy… I hope you can get some support in real life but keep posting you are not alone x

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Palo Santo,

I also struggled with admitting to myself I was abused, it took a lot of time for me to actually accept it. I felt like I didn’t quiet belong with the survivors. I think this is also partially because the abuser never admitted it was abuse or took accountability for their behaviour- it took a while for me to understand he didn’t need to.

I can understand how it can feel emotionally draining. I think especially when children are involved it can be particularly difficult. I would look into researching the best ways around how best to approach the situation with your little one and if there is anyway you can help the impact it has on him in the long run. Possibly looking at podcasts, books or information online. Depending on the age, sometimes they say upsetting things, ( even if we know where it came from) try and remain non-retaliative and maybe do some fun rituals/games so that he feels like your home is safe.

Working with the perpetrator can be a little tricky. But I guess it can work as long as there is sufficient distance between you. However it sounds like it is re-triggering for you as well. There is a high probability that his behaviour will continue towards others and you may have to see/hear about it if you work with him.

The drug abuse angle is a little tough, I would say keep searching options in order to try and find one that puts the safety of your child first. Try and look for alternative advice than the one you recieved.

For me healing consisted of having counselling/therapy, spending time with loved ones and family, trying to love myself, excercise, yoga and meditation. There maybe lots of avenues to explore about yourself as well, where parts of yourself had to be muted for your ex you can now finally embrace it and love yourself for it.

I hope this helps

[Author]

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