Hi, old visitor back:)

[Happybean]

Hi,
I used this forum so much in the past, and it really did help me.

I have been out of the abusive relationship for several years now, and wanted to share that it really does get better. It has changed me, and because I have children with the perpetrator, they are really the victims now, as he tries to alienate them from me. But I am so happy on my own, I’ve built up a network of lovely friends. I feel safe and happy in my home, and now have a job I love. I recently complained to the police how they handled my case (he got off), and I received an apology. It doesn’t help now, but I eventually felt brave enough to complain about how they treated me. I’d been told to think about my ex’s job etc, and that he was very upset by my allegations. They didn’t track down witnesses, and even admitted they got him wrong! When my ex causes problems with my children I stick to my boundaries with them. I reinforce how much I love them, and I stand up and make my own decisions regarding them. He’s made it impossible to co-parent with him (we have no contact), which makes things easier. He is obviously not in a good place in his new relationship to keep causing problems. But I am happy. I’m not the same person I used to be, but I wouldn’t want to be. I would never want to be in the same situation again. I’m older, wiser and surrounding myself by people I can depend on:)

[KIP.]

Hi, thanks for sharing. Well done for complaining. I complained too about the court etc. Felt good. And might just make them think twice about how they treat the next victim or witness. You sound like you have your confidence back. Mine has alienated my son from me but I’m playing the long game. He will learn the hard way and my door is always open x

[lover of no contact]

Thank you for your lovely post. Not only have you survived abuse but you are thriving and flourishing. The smearing of us and alienating us from our children is very painful, I’d agree. My abuser has weakened the bond between some of my children and I. Typical abuser behaviour. Hopefully its only temporary weakening and not permanent. Usually when he has been ‘in their ear’ so to speak.

And you are right we have to do what’s best for us regardless of others’ preferences and persuasions. We need to keep our boundaries firmly and lovingly in place.

[stronger than before]

Such a strong person , your post gives me hope xx

[Happybean]

Thanks:) And if you could have seen me,and the desperate posts I made at the time, you would see how far I’ve come. It does take time, and I’m changed for ever, but I see that it’s for the better. I still treat others as I would like to be treated, I’m emphatic, kind -hearted – but now if I see red flags, or I’m not treated with respect, I walk away:) And every day is a step on the pathway I’m heading along. My youngest child has always been very defensive of her dad – but last week my oldest told me that the youngest finds it’s easier to approach me than their dad. She can come to me for anything. That’s the biggest break through I’ve had ever:) Their dad plays the victim because I spoke out after years, so they are torn, because they see me thriving and their dad now damaged by it all (in my eyes, bitter, angry, abusive, jealous because I left – after a breakdown). I’m not angry at him, I feel sorry for him and who he is – but in a way that makes me want to stay away). All of his relationships have been built on lies – lies about what he did to me, lies about him being a victim. Everything about me is true – everything I said, so all my relationships with people and my children are real – I’m loved and liked for who I am – he’s not. I underwent counselling at rape crisis, had amazing support by womens aid (was badly let down by the police), and had fantastic friends who believed me. I think he’s probably most mad that he couldn’t break me – I did have breakdowns, and end up trying to take my life, I was on medication for anxiety – it was bad – but I still came back even stronger xx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi happybean, that’s fantastic, you’ve done so well. I’m also out the other side and you’re so right about staying true to yourself and hanging in there. My children are the same. My eldest understands how he is and doesn’t see her dad so much, my youngest is also conflicted but both say they don’t feel safe to talk to him about anything because they can’t trust what reaction they’ll get. My youngest says his dad seems depressed despite his new relationship. It’s wonderful that our children now have happy, healthy mums and safe homes to grow up in. Thank goodness for women’s aid and rape crisis – they are amazing x*x

[Serenity]

Hi Happy Bean,

I am glad you feel this way and are so upbeat. Going through abuse is horrendous, and I felt my life wasn’t worth living at times. The only thing keeping me going was knowing that by me being here, they wouldn’t be forced to be with him.

My kids are also following the Pattern described by PP. Kids sense unease when they are with an abuser. x

[Author]

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