His Partner Doesn’t Know

[Phoenix1626]

TW – Sexual Violence, Coercive control

Hi all,

I have recently got out of an abusive relationship with my next door neighbour. He started pursuing me shortly after I moved in and was very manipulative with his tactics. He refused to take ‘no’ for an answer – even when I pointed out that I could see he has a partner who he lives with who is also my neighbour.

Unfortunately, he wore me down to a point where I felt safe to go round for a cup of tea with him, telling me that he and his partner had split up and that he wanted to talk about it. This led to a sexual assault. I froze when it happened and my mind then invented a story that it was consensual. It took me a long time to confront what had happened. Needless to say, the story about him and his partner splitting up was a lie and they are still together (timeframe removed by Moderator) later.

The physical relationship ended quickly when I told him I could hear him talking to his partner through the wall after things had happened with us, and that I felt very uncomfortable about it. The way he could act so normal, even minutes after being with me, was so disturbing.

Unfortunately, he continued to violate me in other ways, pushing boundaries, watching me in my garden and commenting on what I was wearing, encouraging me to get involved with other men and then listening through the wall, and using push and pull tactics along with devaluation to erode my self worth.

There were many more abusive things he did, but to go into it all would turn this into an essay. One of the most disturbing parts was how he told me – a woman he had assaulted and coerced – that part of the reason he’d been so unhappy with his partner was that he wasn’t ‘getting enough sex’ from her. He said he’d threatened to end the relationship over it and that she had begged to stay, saying she could change. He then told me things had since improved then in that area. I find his horrifying as I type it now even months later.

Even though we weren’t in a formal relationship, he also started exerting subtle control over what I ate and drank, framing this as ‘health advice’. He also started trying to control my routines, including when I went to bed, and he controlled who I spoke to about the situation, asking me to show him my gallery on my phone so he could see if I had screenshotted any of our conversations.

I noticed him and his partner also had a rigid routine, going to bed at the same time every night, even at the weekends, and that he controls what they eat. He also seemed to control all the finances, making all the decisions about their property and savings. I heard her on the phone telling someone he makes all the decisions.

He also told me a former girlfriend had lied and said he gave her an eating disorder and that he was a horrible person. However, from my experience with him, I feel this wasn’t a lie at all.

He used triangulation to make me think he was treating his partner better and that he viewed her as more worthy of love and respect. (detail removed by Moderator) I still struggled with believing the treatment I was getting was because I was ‘less than’. (detail removed by Moderator)

In (timeframe removed by Moderator), they moved house, but only (location removed by Moderator) down the road. They are still visible to me in their new property when I am outside in my garden (detail removed by Moderator).

I cut contact with him (timeframe removed by Moderator) months ago and have started the recovery process. I have accessed support from relevant authorities and services. I have mentioned his partner to them, but it’s incredibly difficult to see her still there, knowing she doesn’t know what happened or what he did. The way he approached me makes me think it wasn’t the first time he has done this, nor will it be the last. This could put her physical health in danger as well as her emotional wellbeing.

I struggle a lot sometimes with not being able to do more for her.

I know it isn’t safe for me to directly expose him as he is so close and I know she won’t accept the truth until she’s ready.

But watching it play out sometimes feels like torture. I’m not in a position to move right now, nor do I want to feel chased out, but it is on my radar for the foreseeable future.

I also sometimes even now still question if I’m wrong about their relationship because she has stayed for (timeframe removed by Moderator) years and because he confused the narrative so much.

Any support is really welcome and gratefully received. It feels overwhelming sometimes carrying all of this while being in such close proximity to him.

[Lisa]

Hi Phoenix1626,

Thank you for sharing with us. It is understandable you feel overwhelmed- I hope it has helped to post on the forum and seek support from other services. Bloom may also be helpful to explore their online courses. The free courses are created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma. The courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries. You can find Bloom here.

Keep posting when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

Posts