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Back to reality with a bump. Had a fantastic day with my beautiful, funny, clever kids which ended rather horribly. Because I’ve stood up to my mother, (who uses childcare over me) I have had to ask my children’s father to have his children a couple of hours, a couple of times a week at most in the evenings so I can continue to provide for the kids entirely myself as I do now. He went horribly crazy about this, has called me a wh**e, s**m, unfit mother and there’s no way he will be helping me with the children unless I get down on my knees and beg and show respect. Unbelievable. What’s more unbelievable is that it’s taken me til today to realise how abusive he is and was in our marriage. I thought it didn’t work out and we argued and he was from an old fashioned (detail removed by moderator) background but that shocking verbal attack this evening while I begged him not to when my little girl could hear has made me realise it was so much worse than that. I have realised this week how damaging an influence my controlling manipulative mother is and how my relationship with her has allowed me to think of my relationship with my ex husband and ex partner was somehow acceptable. How could I have been so blind!?!? Also it’s funny how both my mother and my ex husband have told me what a mess I am and how useless I am yet I’ve never felt quite so in control and clear and focused in my life. They aren’t hearing what they want from me so therefore I’m “unstable”! Very odd reality we live in when we are surrounded by abusive and manipulative individuals isn’t it? X
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Absolutely mindblowing and so true!
It is great that you have gained such insight into the dynamics of all these relationships and that you can see how well you are doing and how superior you are in your development compared to these abusive people.It is typical that they try to put us down when we rise.
You have done amazingly well and you are on the path of freedom.
I hope the opinions of these abusers did not hurt you too much. Do not let them get to you. You have done better than them and you know what goes on.
You do exactly what is right. I hope that you find a perfect solution how to take care of your kids and go to work, all by yourself, maybe with the help of friends instead of these abusers.
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Wow. Good for you that your are beginning to think clearly. Perhaps now you can see how you fell for your most recent abuser. It’s great knowledge and awareness. If I was offered extra time to spend with my children, I would jump at the chance. How can these men make them feel like a burden? Their own children. Just when you think they can’t abuse you anymore, they do it through their children. My friend worked nights and got a uni student to stay over those nights, cheap and the kids had fun. I don’t know if you do night shifts but there might be some ideas or more help out there for working mums.
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Hi ENF,
You will be absolutely fine, because you have such insight into their behaviour!
“My relationship with her… made me think my relationship with ( him) was somehow acceptable”
“Funny how they’ve…told me what a mess / how useless I am, when I have never felt quite so in control/ clear/ focused in my life!”
You’ve got it! You can see through the chaff!
My mum intermittently does this ( she’s improved since I told her I was on to her) and my sister is dreadful. Only the other day, she upset me after I rang her after months. She hinted that I should be more acquiescent- because I stood up to her some months back! No way, Im never going back there! I won’t ever be a harsh battle axe, but I will, without fail, stand up for myself. My younger sister says I didn’t seem to realise how domineering my elder sister is, but that she was a bully all my life.
Ayanna has expressed it very well: you are superior in your development to these people. You come across as very wise and clear-minded, but also very kind.
I am glad you can see how controlling and manipulative your ex is, too. My ex was from a different culture and I think I made too many ex uses, thinking he had been brought up differently, but at the end of the day his problematic view of women ran a lot deeper than just culture: I think he has a pathological fear and hatred of women that I didn’t dare look at.
Your ex will try to sabotage your well-being and development. My ex took my money and tried to sabotage my career. Don’t go to him for help. Rely on kind friends and good people in the community.
You’re destined for great things! 💛
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