Hoping I can get through this and get myself back.

[Polardog]

Hi. I’m hoping that by being here I can feel less alone in what I’m going through and get more strength to get through this.

I was previously married for a long time (met my ex husband straight out of leaving home). After my divorce (which was amicable, we just grew into different people, didn’t have children together so was the right thing for both of us) I met someone who from day one appeared to be “the one”. I want to keep this short and sweet because I hate giving any space to what he has done, but also I know if I don’t talk about it I can’t get past it too. The shortest version I can give is that we were together for a significant period of time. During that time I discovered that he wasn’t fully divorced and at every point of moving our relationship forward he would create new scenarios as to why we couldn’t do what we had planned. His main thing was saying his ex wife was weaponising their child against him and then for the last few months of our relationship he claimed a close family member had cancer and that another very close relative was in a coma and then died. Basically he would get me to make plans with him constantly and make plans to move in etc then when the time came a new emergency or scenario would occur and I would be left wondering what on earth was going on. It got to the point where I started to question everything and he spent most of the time making me feel like an awful person for questioning everything even going as far as to produce a death certificate for said relative to prove his situation. I gave him so much more space and benefit than I should have because I genuinely believed he was going through a tough time and it was reasonable. But it turned out in the end my intuition was right and the relative was very much alive and every scenario he had concocted for ages was a lie. He was still very much married and she had no idea about me so I did manage to find space to go and find her away from him because as soon as I realised he had been emotionally abusing me for such a long time I knew she would be going through the same. It has been said by professionals involved that he is not even a n********t. Just an unsavoury human being.

Even once I ended it all he continued to try and manipulate me staying with him. I realised I had enough evidence (including testimony from joint therapy sessions) that I could take it further and so with the blessing of his wife I informed the police. I don’t know yet if I will press charges because currently processing what has happened is taking a lot of energy – the level of lies and manipulation is not fun at all. But I just want to come out of this ok and get back to being who I was before all this happened. I’d lost so many friends and become so isolated. I don’t want all my time with my friends now to be about what has happened but I know I need a safe space with people who do understand. I have a Domestic Abuse support worker and I have therapy too. It’s just so up and down and I think right now in these early days I have to remember who I was, not who he made me believe I was and hold on to that. I do worry because there have been a few times I almost unalived myself because of the stress of it all, but I know to get help so I have the support there, but I worry someone else might not and may not be ok because of him. I know I need to be selfish about my recovery so I am hoping being amongst other people who understand will help.

Thank you for listening.

[Lisa]

Hi Polardog,

Thank you for sharing with us and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear about the abuse you have been through, it sounds really distressing for you. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Polardog]

Thank you. I did speak to someone last week and I have a DA support worker in place now and am having therapy too.

[swanlake]

That sounds like an incredibly tough time with your mental health.
I’ve had several years of no contact and I’m still suffering with anxiety and depression and have had suicidal feelings.
I’m gradually getting my sense of identity back and discovering who I really am.
Take very good care of yourself.

[Polardog]

Thank you. I am sorry you are still going through it – remember how strong you are to still be here and still trying to find your way.

[Author]

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